Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

535 replies

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:18

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
catcatmewomeow · 02/08/2026 10:31

I said YANBU because it’s your money and up to you how you spend it, but I think this depends on a few things. How long has SN been in the family? Is her bio dad involved? Realistically step-kids tend to get more for Christmas and birthdays because they get two lots of presents, so if bio dad is still involved I think that changes things massively.

BlackBean2023 · 02/08/2026 10:30

There’s not enough information to know if YABU.

do they have contact with their dad/paternal family? My ‘dad’ is actually my stepdad - I don’t know my bio dad and my dad has been in my life since I was 2.

Does your step-niece see you as her auntie or her step auntie?

whats the monetary difference?

obviously gifts shouldn’t be expected but if you made a big deal out of paying for the driving lessons for DN’s then it’s not surprising that it was expected you’d do the same again.

HermioneWeasley · 02/08/2026 10:30

It depends

if he’s raised her from a baby, she lives with them full time, had no contact with her father or his family and think of your brother as her Dad, then it might have been more predictable that he’d query the difference in treatment.

if she lives with them part time and has a relationship with her dad and his family then definitely not unreasonable.

what did her paternal aunt give your nieces for their 17th?

justasmalltownmum · 02/08/2026 10:29

Your brother should pay for her lessons. Cheeky

nomas · 02/08/2026 10:26

YANBU your brother is being very grabby.

Don’t give any more money.

DoAWheelie · 02/08/2026 10:23

How long have they been in the family? If it's been a long time and they are closely integrated into the family then YABU. If they have only been around for a year or so then maybe not.

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2026 10:22

How much did you give nieces?

ScarlettSarah · 02/08/2026 10:22

I think it depends on whether she's been a part of your brother's family since she was very small, in which case YABU... or a recent addition who you don't know so well, which would be more reasonable.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2026 10:21

Depends how close you are to her.

If you have the same relationship as you do with your nieces then you were mean.

If you don’t have the same kind of relationship and aren’t close then £50 is plenty.

MudLark87 · 02/08/2026 10:20

If he hasn't raised it with you, then don't bother.
However, is there a way to make it slightly less obvious to the step niece next year, as must be hard seeing how differently she is being treated if she lives with them/close family etc?

Swipe left for the next trending thread