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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

535 replies

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:18

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 02/08/2026 11:09

SD has a whole other family to give her presents. Are they all giving the three children exactly the same?

ThisISmycircusandtheseAREmymonkeys · 02/08/2026 11:08

What do your parents think about it?

ThatWasAFunDay · 02/08/2026 11:06

That’s really tricky. Do you see them a lot?

nomas · 02/08/2026 11:05

Moonnstarz · 02/08/2026 10:59

8 years is a considerably long time, and considering it sounds like she lives with him the majority of the time then this does sound like she is being seen as not part of the family.

What do you normally do with gifts for the girls or the family in general?

If giving others £1000 and then one £50 this does seem quite contrasting..

Show quote history

She joined the family when she was 9. Maybe it would be different if she had joined as a baby/toddler.

Plus, OP’s nieces turned 17 years ago, so things can change, financial circumstances can change. That era of £1000 gifts may have passed how.

It was DB that made a commitment to his step-dd, not OP.

AnonyMumAuDHD · 02/08/2026 11:01

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:43

Step children see their dad every other weekend.

So it’s HIS and his family’s place to pay for driving lessons and to provide the larger gifts - unless he is also required to spend the same money on his children’s step siblings? It doesn’t go all one way.

You’ve done nothing wrong and don’t own your step nieces any more than the generosity and kindness you have already shown them.

Moonnstarz · 02/08/2026 10:59

nomas · 02/08/2026 10:40

Sorry but you can’t expect £1000 for a step-child who has only been in the family for 8 years.

Show quote history

8 years is a considerably long time, and considering it sounds like she lives with him the majority of the time then this does sound like she is being seen as not part of the family.

What do you normally do with gifts for the girls or the family in general?

If giving others £1000 and then one £50 this does seem quite contrasting..

AnonyMumAuDHD · 02/08/2026 10:58

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:36

They’ve been in the family for about 8 years.

Erm, but surely the step daughters have a father and his family too? Do they give your nieces money and generous gifts to make it even as well?

Harvestmoons · 02/08/2026 10:51

It was very generous of you OP to pay for your nieces driving lessons. This does not mean you are obliged to pay for your DB's step children's driving lessons as well. Very CF behaviour for him to expect that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2026 10:49

Cheeky sod. £50 plus gifts is a very generous present, he should be grateful.

IonianNerveGrip · 02/08/2026 10:48

Your brother has a cheek.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 02/08/2026 10:48

He’s is being a massively CF. He should be delighted you got her anything.

Followthesunshine · 02/08/2026 10:45

Your brother is being very unreasonable. If he divorced would your step niece realistically have anything more to do with you? Also its not for your brother to spend £1000 of your money, he is being incredibly cheeky

FilmsandBooks · 02/08/2026 10:43

I can’t imagine ever doing this. All of the stepchildren in my family are treated the same as the other kids. Cruel to do otherwise imo.

Original poster
OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:43

Step children see their dad every other weekend.

OP posts:
IStillHearTheWaves · 02/08/2026 10:41

Moonnstarz · 02/08/2026 10:39

Wow that is significantly different, especially as she has been part of the family for 8 years.
I would definitely be miffed too.

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Presumably, she has her dad's family who give her gifts?

nomas · 02/08/2026 10:40

Moonnstarz · 02/08/2026 10:39

Wow that is significantly different, especially as she has been part of the family for 8 years.
I would definitely be miffed too.

Show quote history

Sorry but you can’t expect £1000 for a step-child who has only been in the family for 8 years.

IStillHearTheWaves · 02/08/2026 10:40

Your brother is an idiot. If he wants to treat his SD as his own, that's all well and good, but you dont have to.

Has his bio children lived with him full time? Does the step daughter?

Northernladdette · 02/08/2026 10:39

Sounds like he was hoping you’d pay for her driving lessons too 😣

Moonnstarz · 02/08/2026 10:39

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:37

£1k each.

Show quote history

Wow that is significantly different, especially as she has been part of the family for 8 years.
I would definitely be miffed too.

MyPlumHelper · 02/08/2026 10:38

See, step children get the best of both worlds. They get a biological family and a step family, and the step family are expected to treat them as equal and give them equal so they get presents from both families equally.

You are not this young woman's aunt. Surely she has her own mother and her own aunties and uncles who can buy her gifts why should you pay for her driving lessons.

Original poster
OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:37

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2026 10:22

How much did you give nieces?

£1k each.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:36

They’ve been in the family for about 8 years.

OP posts:
WhatAMarvelousTune · 02/08/2026 10:36

Obviously you can give what you want.

For me it would depend on the circumstances and the relationship. If this is a child who has lived full time with your brother since she was a baby, for example, then yeah I think you’ve been a bit shitty.
If this is a child you’ve barely met because your brother only met her mum a year ago and she only visits once in the holidays, then I think it’s fine.
Obviously I’ve picked the two extremes of the spectrum there but you get the idea.

Naurrr · 02/08/2026 10:31

How much does he spend on gifts for all your household? What a whiny nob.

Moonnstarz · 02/08/2026 10:31

Hmm how long has she been in the family and how much did you give your nieces?
£50 sounds quite generous for a niece anyway (that's all my kids get from their grandparents!!) but if in your family the norm is much more then I can see why they would be a bit off (if the step niece has been in the family a few years).

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