AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

Realistically, how bothered is a 17 year-old girl about her stepfather's sister anyway? There are people here acting like this is a small child who has suddenly been snubbed by what she thought was a beloved favourite auntie. In reality, she probably thinks of OP as Steve's sister who was nice enough to give her some perfume she liked AND some cash.

Very good point

They'd obviously budgeted with you in mind for the lessons instead of having saved from the time you paid for the two nieces.

I'd love to know what the brother and SIL's relationship with her ex-husband is like. I wonder how much of this is down to the brother playing Bobby Big Bollocks, showing off that he can provide his stepdaughter's driving lessons, without mentioning he was expecting the money to come from his very generous sister.

Unfortunately this is the sort of thing that makes people stop giving.

Not for not wanting to, but it turning into an expectation.

They'd obviously budgeted with you in mind for the lessons instead of having saved from the time you paid for the two nieces.

I've learnt the hard way that when you give, it's then seen as your duty when it's actually a gift with no strings.

This will also make you wary of spending for your older nieces as you'd then have to match it for the younger ones.

I wouldn't say anything unless he brings it up. He'll know you know as your parents are sieves.

I am sorry you don't have relatives on both sides.

Is that the fault of this Aunt? She had nothing to do with these children joining the family - why do you then think she has an automatic responsibility to them?

Their mother and stepfather do - not her.

If you don't have relatives on both sides, do you expect other people who are not related to you to fund things for you?

I think I don't understand your argument.

OP has already confirmed that they don't. I don't think they buy OP's nieces anything whereas OP does buy gifts for her brother's step-children for birthdays and Christmas.

I treat my cousin's children differently to my niece. They're all blood relatives, so there's no issue with a "step" relationship - I'm just closer to my niece than I am to them. I really don't think the OP has done anything wrong because she doesn't feel the same way about an unrelated child who she met aged 10 as she does about nieces she's known since birth.

OP has previously said that her nieces' step-mother's family don't buy her nieces anything so there is certainly no reciprocation from that side of the family. OP spent £100 on her brother's step-daughter (£50 worth of presents and £50 cash) for her 17th birthday (which isn't even a 'big' birthday) and her brother has the cheek to complain.

He obviously doesn't complain that his wife's family don't buy for his daughters. He either cares more about his step-daughters than his own daughters or he is doing this at the instigation of his wife.

But they're not the same, are they? Just as aunts and uncles aren't the same as parents, and cousins aren't the same as siblings. It's okay to have different degrees of feelings for people; it doesn't mean you suddenly hate the people to whom you're less close.

Realistically, how bothered is a 17 year-old girl about her stepfather's sister anyway? There are people here acting like this is a small child who has suddenly been snubbed by what she thought was a beloved favourite auntie. In reality, she probably thinks of OP as Steve's sister who was nice enough to give her some perfume she liked AND some cash.

They are different.

Because it’s not about the actual amount. It’s about treating people differently

The irony of describing someone who spent more on her nieces than their own father did as "miserly"...

If we're going to argue that it's not worth losing the relationship for the sake of £2k, then surely it won't be too great a hardship for the brother to not receive that money for his stepchildren? After all, he'll care more about the relationship than money... won't he?

That’s fine. I do not doubt there are areas and social groups in which it is much more common.

IRL I suspect it's quite common to appreciate that people will have varying perspectives and experiences.

The same people might even feel differently depending on what's being given. Common enough for people to do parity for Christmas, birthdays and so on but distinguish when it comes to inheritance or substantial financial gifts. Personally we always give a present to all, but the issue of larger money questions hasn't raised its head.

My experience is the opposite, it’s only on MN I find large groups of people who are bio-relationships obsessed and very stingy /miserly

Exactly, but same for me. Neither of us are right or wrong but the way your post read felt very much you saying it was factual. Apologies that I misunderstood the tone.

Because decent people would treat them the same. Not decent people would treat them differently. It’s normal to demand decent behaviour from extended family.

Sure, in my opinion, based on my own real life experience. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I understood the opposite. If thats the case I think its different for sure.

Yes in your opinion, certainly not my experience in RL.

I don’t think it’s at all heartless not to treat someone as something that they aren’t. Nor is it treating them as a ‘second class citizen’. Op isn’t this girl’s aunt, and the relationship she has with her is a completely different to the ones she has with her actual nieces.

I’d say 73% is probably about right. In my experience, personal and professional, the families that insist that no distinction be made between blended and nuclear families are the exception, not the rule. The idea that you ‘must’ treat biological and step relatives exactly the same or woe betide you and your house is an attitude I’ve only really encountered on Mumsnet.

She was covering the driving lessons for her nieces when her step niece was a ten yr old newly in the family. If I commit to a £2000 expense for my nieces it wouldn't occur to me that that bound me to a further £2000 cost 7 yr+ down the line to children that have just come into my life.

If I have understood correctly, the step niece doesn't even live with the OP's brother full time?

I was the wealthy childless aunt, took my niece and nephew to Disneyland Paris and on the way back they started ranking their favourite aunts. I was last on my nephews rank, my wife, their aunt through marriage was higher than me 👍

I posted further up in the thread, I was the one who alled your brother grabby and passive aggressive

I think you are getting a hard time in the latter posts. Most, I am guessing couldn't be bothered to read the full thread and relevant information.

You sound like a brilliant Aunty and Step Aunty. You have been generous and kind to your Step Niece and she was grateful. 17 year old girls are easily disgruntled (I have one not long past that age) and often wear their heart/emotions on their sleeve, had she been unhappy there would have been signs. All the presumptions of her rejection, low self worth are exactly that presumptions. Yet the whole thread weighs in on your brother's presumptions of your £1000.

It's totally relevant that your Step Niece has regular contact her biological father. Surely he is the first port of call for a generous birthday present or any immediate family on that side.

Still think don't say anything, but also be prepared for him or being unable to 'keep it all in'