AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

Then you'd be grabby and entitled too.

The OP isn't this teen's aunt. OP's given her £50, perfume and other gifts. That's pretty damned generous for a 17th birthday.

If the step niece's actual parents or step father can't be arsed giving her driving lessons, why on god's green earth would the stepdad's sister be the one expecting to?

I think your brother had a cheeky running to your parents to complain, OP, and they certainly shouldn't have passed that on to you.

You are a generous gift giver OP. It’s uncomfortable for me to read your dbro response to your generosity is criticism shared with your parents. Driving lessons are so very thoughtful practical and helpful. What a wonderful gift and I hope they both learned to drive.

sounds like Dniece enjoyed her $100
value gift. She appreciated it.

spending on step children/ non blood line is a polarizing topic on MN. I personally do not spend on my brothers step children
or my own stepchildren the same. I am very generous to my own dc and nieces and nephews. This is my choice my money my time. It’s a bit easier because they are all older than my dc.
lastly…really do your parents brother his partner her ex his family etc etc think you should be funding step niece driving lessons?!

Your DB is very unreasonable and cheeky tbh. He didn’t pay for the driving lessons and he’s expecting you to pay for his SD too.

But definitely don't mention anything.

I assume that he'd got into his head that you pay for driving lessons for 17 birthdays, and therefore assumed that you would do the same thing.

But hadn't actually really thought about the fact you aren't related to the birthday person

Yanbu at all. I can't believe people expect you to pay for your step nieces driving lessons, it was extremely generous of you to do it for your actual nieces.

Spending £100+ on her is lovely and the gifts sound very thoughtful.

To be blunt - so what if she doesn't value her as part of the family in the same way? This girl is almost an adult! She should be able to understand that her stepfather's sister isn't going to feel the same way about her as she does blood relatives she's known from birth.

I care more about my siblings than my aunts and uncles. I care more about my aunts and uncles than my cousins. None of this means I don't love my cousins. I don't think people would be up in arms on here if I didn't spend the same on my cousin's birthday as I did on my sister's.

its such a difficult one. Blended families can be a nightmare for the wider family. Don’t feel bad. £50 is still very nice to receive. You may not afford to or be expecting to give more £1k gifts.

Your brother assumed you would fund step-nieces driving lessons too. Don't broach the subject unless he brings it up.
I had similar issues with extended family. It was expected that what I did for one, I would do for all. It didn't matter that my financial circumstances might be different or my home situation changed.
It's not easy territory to navigate.

I think there can be levels to family. OP got step niece a thoughtful gift and seems to have a positive relationship with her - that doesn’t mean the relationship is (or should be) the same as the one she has with her actual nieces.

I think of it like Mother’s Day - I liked and had a reasonable relationship with my stepmother growing up, but it was lesser than the one I had with my actual mother. The gifts and recognition I gave to my mother were substantially more valuable/meaningful than the relatively token gifts I gave my stepmother. After all, I didn’t choose her, I didn’t view her as my mother, and as it turned out, after my father died, the relationship faded to basically nothing as we weren’t really family - it was a mutual connection that brought us together and once the mutual connection was gone there was nothing holding us together.

OP has said the idea that she might give 1k simply didn't occur to her, which would seem to be the opposite of obsession? DB, who feels differently to her, is evidently the one who's given it more thought and decided to raise it with wider family.

Just do gifts and maybe add £50 gift cards for each if that is what you want. No more money. That is my advice.

I agree with this. Ignore him & move on. He’s a right cheeky fucker to ever expect you to spend £1000 on his DSD! What you bought sounds lovely & very generous.

I always find it bizarre when people obsess about bloodline like this, as though they were the last of the Romanovs rather than mid-level HR managers from Guildford.

I’d leave it alone.

I’d also ask your parents why they bothered to mention this to you. Was it to stir things up?

You were very generous to spend £100 on the stepniece - your brother sounds like a knob!

Leave it. He was expecting £1k which is ridiculous. If he splits with his now wife, you’ll never see step niece again. You’ll always be an aunty to your nieces.
Also he’s had time to save for driving lessons. He can embrace his step daughter as a daughter and that’s great, but she’s also got a father, and her father’s side of the family. Is he going to expect driving lessons from them? Her actual blood relatives

Your parents told you for a reason. What do they think you should do with the information they gave you?

I wouldn't broach it. What good would come of it? He thinks you should've given DSD 1k, you don't, and he thought it was appropriate to drag your parents in too.

Wouldn’t the step daughter have her actual aunties and uncles to buy her presents too though ? You’re an additional/ extra adult in this scenario so I think what you did was fine.

besides, affordability changes for people too. You give what feels right at the time.

Ooosh 100 v 1000 is mean
i have step daughters and they’ve been embraced by all of my immediate relatives and treated like family…. Because they are.

We gavw our step niece exactly what our other nieces and nephews got for there birthdays. I wouldn't differentiate between them like that. I think to give £50 to your step niece ans £1000 to the other nieces is favouritism at ita finest. All shows you dont value her as part pf thw family the same way.

It's your choice, I wouldn't do anything- as a stepchild myself I wouldn't have expected the same, but families differ.

Then we’ll have to agree to disagree.

I’m the step child in my family and, really, the level of entitlement encouraged on behalf of stepkids who have their own bio families is ridiculous. The message this girl gets is: your step aunt values and cares for you enough to give you gifts and some money on your 17th.

Hopefully step niece’s dad and his family value and care enough to fund her driving lessons and also buy her step siblings gifts, but that is outside the power of OP.