AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

Dramatic nonsense. I have step siblings, I never expected their mum to spend as much money on me as she did on them, she's not my mum! I haven't seen her for 10 years now, when my dad got divorced she never spoke to me again. Not surprising, we're not family after all. I still see my step siblings and our children love eachother but I would be pretty pissed off if my dad gave them a third of his estate when he died, they're not his children. They know that and so do I. No self esteem was destroyed by us knowing this it's just a fact.

Meh if he can’t bring it up with you say nothing, and tell your parents to stop passing on comments.

Their bio relatives can shell out 1k if they want. Why should you?**

That would be the principled thing to do. In this house it would be under discussion.

But @blossomtoes that is the OP’s brother’s set of choices. He cannot impose it on her. @OnTheWatersEdge has had no say in her brother’s decisions but she’s expected to fall into line?

yes, of course it must be tough on the brother, and ideally his step-daughter would be accepted by his family, even though she’s not his DC by birth. But he made those choices - he can’t force his sister to simply obey his choices!

Wow so many people are so horrible on this thread. How many of the people who have said it’s fine what she’s done have grown up as stepkids? I can’t even be bothered to talk you all through how effed up and simply lacking in reality this biologically obsessed orientation is, but just know that how you treat children shapes their whole selves and lives. Eurgh.

As a 10/11 year old just coming into the family at the time the nieces were turning 17 and getting driving lessons it may not even have registered with her. She clearly did not gave an expectation of lessons and was delighted and appreciative of the lovely presents she did get, its only her step-father that seems to expect his sister to fund these things

What's the betting that the brother's anger at his stepdaughter being treated different doesn't amount to him giving the OP £1800 back so that she'll have only spent £100 on each girl?

So if DSN was 10 when DN received the driving lessons, she won’t be aware of DB’s £1000 birthday gift expectation. UNLESS…DB has been saying to her every time the topic of driving comes up, “Not to worry—Auntie OnTheWater will be giving you £1000 for your 17th, which will be more than enough for your lessons.”

Wheres SDs bio dad & family?

If your DB wants to provide financially for someone elses son thats on him, not you.

But your step-niece presumably has a father and aunts and grandparents on that side of the family? So she has rather more opportunities for being given substantial presents than her step-siblings.

I think sometimes we have to accept that our birth families might not always embrace the family choices we make as much as we’d like them to. You had no say over your brothers family choices, and he really shouldn’t try to make you behave the way you don’t want to.

Sometimes we can’t control or dictate everything in our wider family.

Of course he's upset. He thought he could milk the cash cow for his wife's children too, and has now found out otherwise.

Does the step niece know about the differential treatment. For how long has she been part of your brother's life.andvis bio dad still on the scene? Did she get money or expensive gifts from her mother's or bio dad's side of the family? All of these things might be relevant.

I think you could have informed your brother in advance that you wouldn't be doing the same for his step daughter to have given him opportunity to address any expectations she might have had. Disappointment at that age is easier to handle if you are forewarned . If she is treated very differently and doesn't have other wider family filling the gaps, I can see why your brother is right to be upset , but I guess he and she and your sister in law have to get used to it, as you can't be compelled to treat her the same as your brother's own daughter's even if it's hurtful. I would think on how ' fair' the treatment is overall.

Pretty crass to be mentally spending a grand of someone else's money for them...

But there's a lesson here, which is that it would be best for everyone to be aware they can only blend the parts of a family they're in charge of. If it's going to be that much of a problem for you (general) should your extended families not treat all the kids in a financially identical manner, the onus is on you to sound everyone out as far as possible beforehand. And not blend the families if you can't be sure everyone agrees.

Omg this is really sad. That poor girl has been party of your family for 8 years and you've still singled her out for second grade treatment.

Its not about the money, its about the fact you've chosen to make such a glaring, obvious difference.

If your brother had had a 'new' live in partner for 8 years would you treat her as his wife, or decide that she hadn't been around long enough?

I don't get how families can be so cruel to step children. If your brother treats her as his child then so should you.

Step children take a lot of parenting. It must be very hurtful to him that you don't consider her his 'proper' child.

But SD has a dad too that can treat her your nieces didn’t.

Her bio dad should pay for her driving lessons surely? You paid for your brother’s girls to help your brother out.
I’d ignore it.

Not if you are happy to accept that yourself neice will likely feel very bad about this ... unworthy almost.
I'd treat them all the same personally.

He hasn't got the guts to tell you himself. Ignore him - and your parents are being pricks for telling you.

I have step parents and I've never expected their families to treat me like they do his actual children. If I was the stepchild here I'd have been thrilled with £50 plus gifts.

How about your DB gets off his arse and gets an extra job to pay for his own children's driving lessons, and the blended family he has created, rather than expecting everyone else to pay for them?

Also, I had a step mum, and I have step siblings. I would be really annoyed if my own blood family stepped back in any way for fear of offending them.

That would just be another nail in the coffin of having this blended family imposed on me. I am in my 50's now and they are still the bane of my life, my no.1 issue with no let up from it.

Projecting 😕

I also think a lot of men would be less than thrilled at their ex-wife's new husband's family stepping in to pay for their child's driving lessons. Wouldn't this be something he wanted to do?

When you’ve spent years working hard at creating a blended family, scrupulously treating every child exactly the same as far as possible, it’s very jarring when something like this happens. When this happened in our blended family the most upset, offended and vocal about it were the favoured “children” who were furious about it. It’s crass not to follow the lead of the parents in this situation.

£50 vs £1000 is quite a difference. (I was expecting you to say more like £200 on the other nieces!). Well done on the 17 year old for apparently taking that on the chin.

Maybe he can put his hand in his pocket for the driving lessons. Not your responsibility.

Do you have children?

Huge difference in money but it's difficult. Step niece I presume has help from her dad and his side of the family too, something your nieces wouldn't get?

Anyway, presents aren't always about money, it's about getting something that was wanted. Driving lessons is generous, perhaps SN will need something later on that's more expensive that you can help out with? Anything though comes from what you want to do, not what you feel obliged to do or guilted into doing by your brother.