AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

Agree with this. Feels very entitled of the brother to me

Sorry @Namenamchange I didn't mean that as a reply to you in particular.

This is another case of I wish people would read the whole thread.

I think you were very generous to the step niece. She also seemed happy and grateful with your thoughtful gifts. Job done. No one was traumatised.

Your brother on the other hand sounds weak, greedy and passive aggressive. He has a nerve talking to your parents about his disappointment in your gift. Had he saved 15 pounds a week since the 23 year-old got her driving lessons he would have been prepared. You are not financially responsible for his lifestyle choices. And as others have pointed out, step niece's biological father is in the picture - why isn't he providing driving lessons.

I also don't think you should say anything but I think it will drive him mad and he will have to blurt out something. Instead of being grateful you got two daughters on the road - he thinks you haven't done enough! He is a bloody chancer. Be prepared with some comebacks.

Op, it sounds like you are very kind to your brother’s SD. Your gifts to her were thoughtful and it seems that she was delighted to receive them.

I would not bring it up with your brother, and I would be telling my parents to butt out, unless they wanted to be the ones to pay for the lessons.

Your DB needs to grow up.

Sounds like SD is happy and it’s bro who is disappointed as her mum might now have to pay for driving lessons.

It’s So so hard because sometimes you just have to be the bigger person … I was always treated as an outsider by my dads girlfriend and it makes me really sad remembering how hurt I was by it. I imagine her argument would have been that I had my own mum/ extended family. I do, and we have a strong relationship, but it didn’t mean that I was left out / sidelined. I remember watching them all open presents and not having anything at all (I’d had mine at other times) but I remember feeling awkward not because I wanted presents but it made me feel unwanted when I didn’t have a choice about being there.

A thread like this prompted me to text a step uncle on my mums side recently. He and his wife were so wonderful to me and my sister when we visited - we were treated the same as my step sisters, they always had little treats for us all, we were all invited to sleep over etc etc he replied saying how it wouldn’t ever have been otherwise as we were great kids, but in any case we were children. Which is the point really. Kids don’t ask to be in blended families and we owe it to them to be kind.

When people argue that step children (with the other family still around and involved) should be treated just the same as the other children by extended family, it always makes me wonder:

If the marriage splits up, would the child's biological family still be facilitating contact with all these ex-step-relations? Would the ex-step-relations be given birthday cards or be visited in care homes after a split? Will they all be invited to the child's 18th/wedding/etc?

If not - if indeed the relationship only lasts while the marriage lasts - then why expect everyone to pretend it's exactly the same as the other children?

You are not being unfair, I presume your SN also recieved gifts from her biological family, do they buy for your neices ? If not, don't give it a second thought, your brother and his wife are being grabby.

I would have treated them all the same.

I think your gifts have been reasonable.

DB (CF) was probably relying on you paying for the StepDC’s lessons. Oops! More fool him. You’ve been more than generous and that’s all there is to it. StepDC’s biological family can pay for their lessons if they’re that bothered!

Your step Nieces mum and dad are the ones who need to pay for her lessons or she gets a job like the rest of us did to pay for them!!!

your brother is annoyed as he thinks he will be now looked at to fork out for lessons!

the cost of driving lessons now compared to 6/7 years ago is more than triple so no way would £1000 go very far for lessons now either!

Sounds like DB expected you to pay for SN driving lessons. Of course it’s reasonable to give a SN lesson than nieces.

and he is allowed to be upset by it.

But is he allowed to guilt his sister for thinking differently? She is equally allowed to make her family the way she wants to.

she isn’t your niece though 🤷‍♀️ apart from marriage and will have other relatives who can treat her the same as you treat your nieces and nephews by birth. What happens if your brother gets divorced? You won’t see them again! I think personally you have a child a very decent generous present! Your brother shouldn’t have spoken to your parents about this and then them tell you! THAT is the off bit! They should have just told him you gave a very generous present to his step daughter and he should be grateful with what you gave! You aren’t an atm!!!

Where do you draw a line though ? I wonder if the extended family of the birthday girl’s mum give gifts and to a similar value to the OP’s nieces (especially given the large age gap) as they do to the birthday girl.

Also not every gift has to judged on the cost, the OP gave driving lessons to her nieces, six or seven years later she gives her brother’s step daughter a bottle of perfume she likes and £50 cash - a lovely and thoughtful gift for the 17 yo who is delighted and appreciated the gift.

She isn't your niece though, her own parent's, aunty or uncle can buy her driving lessons, I wouldn't worry about it, your brother can't expect you to handover a grand to someone who isn't actually related to you! He's cheeky for thinking you should. You've got her a very generous thoughtful present, she sounds grateful. It sounds like your brother and his wife just expected you to fund her driving lessons and now they will have to instead so aren't happy, not your problem.

Sorry if I've missed something but for me, I feel quite deeply about all children being treated the same in this sort of situations.

I probably would have vented to my parents too because I would be hurt whether my kids knew or not. It's something lots of people do it didn't need to be passed back to you. It is a reminder that as much as you wish for it, some family members just don't view children that you love, like you do.

It doesn't make me a bad person or a money grabber because it isn't about the amount or having to pay for something it's about the different treatment and he is allowed to be upset by it.

Absolutely. This girl has a Mum & Dad, a step-dad, presumably extended families on both sides and maybe a step-mum - why should be there be an expectation that her step-dad’s sister would gift her a set of driving lessons?

OP spent £100 on her gifts - I’m sure not all her actual relatives spent as much or gave a gift at all.

Imagine being that entitled holy shit 😲 though i see the entitled Mother brigade are out in full force again.
Don't bring it up @OnTheWatersEdge and laugh in his face if he has the audacity to bring it up with you.

I’d say £50 is very generous, step niece or not. I never had anything like that from any of my aunts and my brother and sister have never sent my step children even a card. I think your brother is being ridiculous, is his SD actually disappointed with what you gave her?

I think it's unreasonable expectations that set people up for disappointment. Did the step children's aunts give your nieces a birthday present? Your brother can expect but doesn't mean you have to do it.

I had a step dad from the age of 10.
Zero expectations from me that his family would do anything of the kind for me.
I was my mum's responsibility solely.

I think it's lovely that you've built a relationship with her and spent over £100 on her birthday gifts that she appreciated.

However, your brother sounds like a cheeky, grabby fucker.

I think that you have given your step Niece a really generous present/amount of money

50 for all of them quite enough. Keep it simple. Your brother can put it towards the driving lessons and pay the rest.

I would say absolutely nothing to your brother and continue to treat your nieces. You got your brother’s step-child a lovely gift as well as cash and she appreciated it.

It seems strange that he would expect you to spend the same amount on his step-daughter, especially given the age-gap, etc.