AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

But she presumably has relatives on the other side of her family. Surely they should be the ones to chip in for the driving lessons for her - like her own actual blood aunties/uncles?

OP's DB is being very cheeky.

Also I would DIE before making a fuss of my sister not paying for my child's driving lessons. That is a parental responsibility in my view - not for other family members to fund.

Entitled beyond belief.

Your brother is a cf. End of.

Nobody gets to tell anyone what sort of relationship they should have with a third party.

It makes me so cross - and it comes up all the time on MN - when adult children acquire stepDC and expect their parents and grandparents and siblings and friends to treat said stepDC as they themselves have chosen to (as bio kids, normally). Normally crops up around inheritances. This is trying to manipulate (“oh but they’re just kids and they’ve been through so much!”) and manoeuvre people into places and situations that benefit them and them only. It normally doesn’t even necessarily benefit the step-child in question other than superficially.

It’s really, really hard being a step-parent. Harder than being a parent imho. This is part of why it’s so difficult: you have to manage the child’s natural and normal reactions to the consequences of adults’ - ie, their parents’ - fuck ups. You DON’T do this by palming the work off onto people who don’t want to and never chose to assume the burden. You do this by being what you chose to be: a step parent.

If someone has a problem, it's their responsibility to bring it up. If he can't be mature enough not to do that, then ignore him.

The entitlement from some people is astounding. And your parents should know better than to gossip like that.

Step families take many shapes and forms and whether or not you treat stepchildren (or step nephew and nieces) the same as blood relatives depends on what the stepchildren are receiving from their other family.

Well, they are with their dad EOW, so it’s not OP’s problem if he can’t offer to pay towards his DD’s driving lessons.

I agree, Bro had expectations that were absolutely bizarre and bitched to his parents about it. In their shoes, I’d have told him he was being ridiculous, and to expect that level of gift from his wife’s ex and their family. I would never have mentioned it to OP.

I hope DBro isn’t expecting OP to leave his step kids the same as his bio kids in any wills because if he is, and his steps kids are getting an equal share of his/new wife’s estate, then they are going to be better off than OP’s nieces because the step kids will inherit from the Ex/his family too. I hope OP will consider sorting out her will so that it benefits her nieces … but would not say a word to Bro or parents if that is what I chose to do because I suspect he has expectations there, too.

OP's brother doesn't appear to be upset that the relatives on his wife's side don't ever bother getting his own daughters anything for birthdays and Christmas.

OP bought driving lessons for her nieces at least seven years ago when their step-siblings were about 10. They wouldn't even have been aware of the cost of driving lessons at that age.

OP has spent £100 on her step-niece for her birthday which is quite a lot considering the lack of reciprocation on the other side of the family towards OP's nieces.

Exactly. Do they?

I suspect what has happened is that your brother has raised your step-niece's expectations that she will be getting the money for driving lessons.

In all honesty I suppose it depends on how you want to be perceived in your relationship with your stepniece.

I have a step-grandaughter and I treat her exactly the same as my biological grandkids, she is a child and even though she has a full and good relationship with her absent bio Father, she lives as part of our sons life and we accept her as such. I want to be treated as her real granny and so I treat her as my real granddaughter and put biology aside.

If the message you want to send is that she is not your real niece then crack on. There is a big discrepancy between £50 and £1000. £1000 is a very generous gift for a 17yr old. What have you done in previous years, have you given her less then too?

Then I say to myself that perhaps you didn't give her the £1000 as you felt you only gave it to your bio nieces as you knew their parents didn't have the money for driving lessons and you are assuming your stepniece's bio Father did and I could see a case for that argument had you explained that beforehand, setting expectations. But intention doesn’t erase impact.

I see why your brother is disappointed in you, he’s upset about what it means for his stepdaughter’s place in the family. I think you have handled it without consideration for how this would be received emotionally. I think you have basically sent the message that your stepniece is not as important to you and if that is the message you wanted delivered, you have probably achieved it.

No-one can tell you what to do with your money, £1000 is very generous and I think you need to have a conversation with you brother about your rationale and if it doesn't stack up, you may want to reconsider the size of the gift you have given to your stepniece but when two children in a family receive £1000 each for a milestone birthday, and the third -who has been part of the family for eight years - receives £50, that isn’t a “slight difference in circumstances.” It’s a statement. Whether intentional or not, it communicates:

• You are not equal to them.
• You are not my responsibility in the same way.
• I don’t see you as part of the same circle.

My sister in law does exactly the same. She treats my daughter (her bother’s step daughter) as if he were her biological dad. I appreciate the grammar is a bit off, but you get my drift 🤣🤣

Putting £2000 aside for driving lessons is very different to £4000, if this were 4 biologically related children you may not have been able to budget that and they'd have each gotten 500.

Yes, this very much so. He hasn't been able to save up the money for his own children's/step children's driving lessons, but he assumes that you have!

Like so many times when you try to be kind, if OP had given them £100 each and kept the £1,800 to spend on herself at the time, none of this scenario of her being a big meanie would ever have arisen.

There's an almost identical thread where the OP is being told that of course her brother's step children don't need to be treated the same as nephews and nieces.
Mumsnet is weird sometimes.

I would absolutely not expect my sibling to treat my step daughter the same when the value is that high! Xmas day, make sure that the gifts they open in front of each other are similar value (my sister did this but then put money in my two’s bank account) as from personal experience that feels extremely demoralising BUT £1k to your brothers step daughter is incredibly unrealistic! I would actually feel very embarrassed if my sibling/parents spent that much on my step daughter!

I would make sure my daughter and step daughter are treated the same (to some extent (clothes, pair shoes, pocket money when out together etc) but again driving lessons (for example) may have an unfair balance as my two have my ex husband (high earner) or from my sister, parent etc (unlikely but even so) to help with driving lessons, university etc. And I wouldn’t say to my ex “you cannot give my two £££ as my step daughter won’t have that so you have to pay for her too or my two don’t get the help) because he would absolutely tell me to fuck off!

And the same applies the other way round - if my step daughter was supported more than my daughter from the other half of their family I wouldn’t expect my partner to pay for my daughters lessons to keep it fair! We both may choose to, to ensure they have the same amount from us but we won’t stop their other side of the family adding their own contributions!

We are taking our kids (we have a son each too) to Asia next year and for that they will be absolutely treated the same but again - if my ex gives my two extra spending money i
wouldn’t expect him to supplement my partners children!

So…. Your brother can choose to treat his daughter and stepdaughter the same but you don’t have to!

If they don't keep schtum about anything then he can't have had any reasonable assumption they would here. I highly doubt he has nobody else he could confide in.

Ouch. 1k versus £50. After 8 years. Unless there's something else at play here then that was a stingy and hurtful way to behave.

You can't turn the the clock back, but if you could have known how this would turn out, it would have been better if you could have given the girls themselves £100 of presents and the balance to your DB, and told him it was your contribution towards driving lessons 'for your kids'. Then, if he spent it all on the first two... well, that's him not treating his own kids equally, isn't it?

Could he not have saved up over the past years himself to give the equivalent to his step-DCs on their 17th birthdays? Has he just assigned 'paying for driving lessons' to you? Does he think you're an endless tap of money, and he only has to present a 'qualifying' child in order to 'earn' £1,000 from you once they're 17? What if he'd ended up with 8 step kids? And am I reading it correctly that he'd only been with her mum for a year when you gave your DN's the money?

I do feel for the step-DN, as she never chose to be in a family set-up as she did, and none of this is on her; but your DB is an absolute CF.

The cheeky bastard was expecting another grand to be spent on his step-daughter’s driving lessons. Whilst she was happy with her present, he wasn’t. Presumably because he or his partner may have to fork out now. He’s got a cheek.

Step-Auntie paying for driving lessons, so it’s her Mother’s new bloke’s sister?

What about her father? Her maternal Grandparents? Her paternal grandparents? Your parents? I would tell him there’s a lot more people in front of you in the queue that are liable for coughing up for driving lessons before her step-auntie.

Honestly, that sounds very generous especially as it appears that your nieces don't receive much, if anything, from their step-mother's family. It's hypocritical of your brother to complain about you to your parents when he doesn't have a go at his own wife about her family not bothering with his daughters and being much less generous than you.

You should have posted as the SDD mum and you as her Stepdad's Mum, the replies would have been the opposite. You've declared that she isn't real family. I think that it's fine to not see step children as you do biological family, because as said by a pp, if the relationship breaks down, you don't see them again. I'd speak to your brother so it doesn't fester and come up at Christmas (if you all meet up).

This with bells on.
You’ve been very generous so just let it blow over. Your step niece sounds well adjusted and very nice. She’s clearly happy with your lovely thoughtful gifts.
If yr brother personally raises it with you, you now have some fodder from Mumsnet opinions to chuck back at him.

This is a very difficult situation and blended families are always difficult to navigate as there are so many variables.

I had a stepfather growing up and his family always bought me a token gift for birthdays and Christmas but I would have never expected anymore from them as they were not my family and I had my own grandparents, aunts and uncles. I always thought it was nice they thought of me but I never referred to them as my family.

I think the very fact your brothers SD has her own dad and extended family means that she be treated more favourably than your own nieces if your brother got his way. Does your nieces step father and his family lavish them with expensive gifts?

If your SD had no other family than her mum and your brother I think your brother might have a point but it shouldn't be on you to gift driving lessons when she has a whole host of relatives that could do the same. Sounds like your SD was very grateful for the gift and money she got and it's her mum and your brother that are the problem.

I have a stepdaughter and if anyone in my family did this we would honestly have to consider if we wanted to remain part of their lives. But we feel exceptionally strongly about children being treated equally as children of our family: it’s not about high value gifts, we would say if you can’t give everyone the same then please give nothing to anyone. I’ve raised DSD since she was 2 with DH though and DH and his siblings had a horrific experience with a stepmum, so we are probably over sensitive to this kind of thing. Luckily it’s not an issue and my family treat her equally. I think there’s a huge difference between £100 and £1000 and it’s very “othering” but it’s MN where no one in a stepfamily should do more than the very bare minimum so I’m sure you’ll get complimented for even giving her a gift.

I agree. But Mumsnet is very anti step family 🙄

You either give them all the same or not at all, especially after 8 years.

No of course not but he hasn't directly has he. He told his parents and it is the OP saying she feels like he wanted her to find out because they don't keep anything to themselves. It doesn't mean that was the case.

YANBU and there is no need for you to say anything to him at all. The gifts you gave were more than enough. The cheeky bugger is being incredibly grabby.

It is up to SN's mother and father to fund the lessons. Of course, your brother could chip in but it sounds as if he prefers to spend other people's money.