Page 15 | AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

Boreded · 02/08/2026 16:28

With all of the context you’ve provided I see no issue at all in what you’ve given her, I suspect your brother was hoping not to have to pay for driving lessons for her 🤷‍♀️

She sounds like she was happy, and she got a nice set of presents and money so I wouldn’t worry.

Your parents probably shouldn’t have said anything to you (unless he asked them to)

Sensiblesal · 02/08/2026 16:27

AnonyMumAuDHD · 02/08/2026 11:13

No, it was £50 and other gifts for STEP nieces. Totally acceptable.

I would be interested to know that the step nieces’ dad bought for the OP’s nieces? Do you think he is spoiling his ex-wife’s step children to any degree at all?

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Why would he buy gifts for kids he has no connection too?

Quitelikeit · 02/08/2026 16:26

There is no right or wrong here

The fact she has her own fathers family, her mums side means that you are a bonus side - therefore she has three sides buying for her

I think it was very kind of you and I’d love you to have been my step aunt!

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 16:25

YANBU.

You’re fine. He may consider his stepchild to be equal to his actual children, but she’s not your niece and you aren’t obliged to consider her to be, or to have the same relationship with her as you do with them.

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2026 16:10

I wouldn't mention it.

Your step-niece has an involved father in her life. It's not as if your brother has been in her life from babyhood. If anything, her biological father could view it as you stepping on his toes if you handed his daughter £1k for driving lessons. For all you know, HE may want to do that.

Vanillaicelatte · 02/08/2026 16:04

I gave my niece 250 in cash
a camera that she wanted ( around 150)
a bag that was around 60 for her 18th

she just passed her driving test a month after her birthday and bought a car so I filled her car with petrol & paid for a mini service , got her full RAC cover for the year and paid to have a apple car play media installed for her

There is no way I would even consider giving anything to her step sister . I barely know her .
a card if I remember that would be it

my niece is my family I speak to her regularly been on holidays with her and I’m as proud of her as I am my own grown up child .

I always get my nieces lovely presents for Christmas & birthdays they are my family

her step sister is just the child of someone her dad married .

nomas · 02/08/2026 15:56

MILLYmo0se · 02/08/2026 15:44

To be fair if I made the decision to cover the cost of my nieces driving lessons, and therefore obviously her slightly younger sister too, it wouldn't occur to me that anyone would be expecting me to cover the same 7 years later for the ten year old that has recently come into the family. I would have to halve what I gave my nieces in order to cover the 2 step children too. Now if they d been in the family since toddlers and id always know I was dealing with 4 rather than 2 children maybe I could have saved more, but at the same time why should I feel like I have too rather than their parents extended families

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Agreed. Why are people remembering what happened 7 years ago and applying it to a step-niece?

nomas · 02/08/2026 15:53

Ecstaticmotion · 02/08/2026 12:48

Wow so many people are so horrible on this thread. How many of the people who have said it’s fine what she’s done have grown up as stepkids? I can’t even be bothered to talk you all through how effed up and simply lacking in reality this biologically obsessed orientation is, but just know that how you treat children shapes their whole selves and lives. Eurgh.

I don’t think we’re the ones ‘lacking in reality’.

If a 17yo is shaped by her step-aunt not giving her £1,000 then that’s not on her and parents, not OP.

Mingou · 02/08/2026 15:52

Moonnstarz · 02/08/2026 10:39

Wow that is significantly different, especially as she has been part of the family for 8 years.
I would definitely be miffed too.

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of course it's different, she's there aunt. She is not this girls aunt.
It's not weird or wrong to give more to your relatives than to others.

MaggiesShadow · 02/08/2026 15:51

Skippyasyermuni · 02/08/2026 15:44

I wouldn’t be able to let it lie, but I usually do poke the bear and maybe make things worse 😳.

I think I’d have to text my brother and say, “I heard you were unhappy with our gift to X. We thought we got her something she would enjoy as she seemed to really want that perfume and some money to go shopping seemed a nice gift for her age. We won’t be paying for her driving lessons as she has her own mum, dad and grandparents and aunts and uncles. It’s such a shame you don’t seem to value the gift we did give, but we think we’ve always been generous and welcoming and will continue to do so. But we will of course see our nieces a bit differently, just like your wife’s family see them differently from her child. I hope this doesn’t cause any issues in the future and I’m glad X was so pleased with her gifts when we saw her.”

I'm like this too and would probably do something similar but I have learned that it really is fueling the fire.

OP's brother is an adult. If he has a problem it's his job to bring it up. If he stays silent then it remains his problem and not OP's.

Thankfully, step-niece doesn't seem to be as ungrateful, rude, and entitled as the adults in the situation so it's probably better to let it blow over.

Skippyasyermuni · 02/08/2026 15:44

I wouldn’t be able to let it lie, but I usually do poke the bear and maybe make things worse 😳.

I think I’d have to text my brother and say, “I heard you were unhappy with our gift to X. We thought we got her something she would enjoy as she seemed to really want that perfume and some money to go shopping seemed a nice gift for her age. We won’t be paying for her driving lessons as she has her own mum, dad and grandparents and aunts and uncles. It’s such a shame you don’t seem to value the gift we did give, but we think we’ve always been generous and welcoming and will continue to do so. But we will of course see our nieces a bit differently, just like your wife’s family see them differently from her child. I hope this doesn’t cause any issues in the future and I’m glad X was so pleased with her gifts when we saw her.”

MILLYmo0se · 02/08/2026 15:44

PrettyPickle · 02/08/2026 13:58

In all honesty I suppose it depends on how you want to be perceived in your relationship with your stepniece.

I have a step-grandaughter and I treat her exactly the same as my biological grandkids, she is a child and even though she has a full and good relationship with her absent bio Father, she lives as part of our sons life and we accept her as such. I want to be treated as her real granny and so I treat her as my real granddaughter and put biology aside.

If the message you want to send is that she is not your real niece then crack on. There is a big discrepancy between £50 and £1000. £1000 is a very generous gift for a 17yr old. What have you done in previous years, have you given her less then too?

Then I say to myself that perhaps you didn't give her the £1000 as you felt you only gave it to your bio nieces as you knew their parents didn't have the money for driving lessons and you are assuming your stepniece's bio Father did and I could see a case for that argument had you explained that beforehand, setting expectations. But intention doesn’t erase impact.

I see why your brother is disappointed in you, he’s upset about what it means for his stepdaughter’s place in the family. I think you have handled it without consideration for how this would be received emotionally. I think you have basically sent the message that your stepniece is not as important to you and if that is the message you wanted delivered, you have probably achieved it.

No-one can tell you what to do with your money, £1000 is very generous and I think you need to have a conversation with you brother about your rationale and if it doesn't stack up, you may want to reconsider the size of the gift you have given to your stepniece but when two children in a family receive £1000 each for a milestone birthday, and the third -who has been part of the family for eight years - receives £50, that isn’t a “slight difference in circumstances.” It’s a statement. Whether intentional or not, it communicates:

You are not equal to them.
You are not my responsibility in the same way.
I don’t see you as part of the same circle.

And once that message is delivered, you can’t un‑ring the bell. Even if you now try to “top up” the money, it won’t erase the original choice. It will look like damage control, not genuine inclusion

To be fair if I made the decision to cover the cost of my nieces driving lessons, and therefore obviously her slightly younger sister too, it wouldn't occur to me that anyone would be expecting me to cover the same 7 years later for the ten year old that has recently come into the family. I would have to halve what I gave my nieces in order to cover the 2 step children too. Now if they d been in the family since toddlers and id always know I was dealing with 4 rather than 2 children maybe I could have saved more, but at the same time why should I feel like I have too rather than their parents extended families

MaggiesShadow · 02/08/2026 15:41

Oscillating · 02/08/2026 15:36

Fucking hell..... Yeah you clearly don't see her as family

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That's fair enough though. Not everyone has to agree, and not everyone has to think that's how they'd feel but the OP is entitled to feel how she feels about her nieces and nephews, and step-nieces and nephews.

It doesn't make her a monster. It doesn't make her some sort of Disney villain. People have different levels of affections for different relatives and friends. That's just life.

Viviennemary · 02/08/2026 15:38

I wouldn't be inclined to be generous in future. Give them all the same. ie a lot less. Then they'll all be equal.

Oscillating · 02/08/2026 15:36

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:37

£1k each.

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Fucking hell..... Yeah you clearly don't see her as family

Anyahyacinth · 02/08/2026 15:31

I think your gifting sounds lovely, thoughtful and generous OP

Your DB sounds greedy, how would he know if your circumstances had changed? You were incredibly generous to his older children and gave him the capacity to save for his DSD's driving lessons. Please don't be used, when you've been so kind

LejlaKapovic · 02/08/2026 15:29

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:18

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

No, I wouldn't say anything. He didn't direct his complaint to you personally, so why should you address his complaint?

I'd definitely not like to be told that I should give the same type of gift to someone I'm not related to as I do to my nieces. This kind of entitlement would make me not want to splurge on his children ever again. The nieces get a token gift and a card, and the step daughter gets a verbal "happy birthday, hope you'll have a wonderful day".

I hate when people blend families and expect the extended family to see people they barely know as blood relatives that should be treated as such. As long as you're polite and nice, and include these people when it's fit, I think you're doing all you should.

Morepositivemum · 02/08/2026 15:16

Ah right sorry op, I assumed the birthday was in the last few years

Treemouse · 02/08/2026 15:12

You don’t have to provide them with the exact same value of gifts. Given step niece was only 10 at the time of you gifting the driving lessons to your nieces I feel the expectation of you paying for SN’s lessons are from brother not SN as it was so long ago. This is a very different situation to you gifting nieces much more expensive Christmas gifts than SN ant the same time for example. Your brother should not have assumed you will pay £1000 for driving lessons for any child or step child he has.

LoveItaly · 02/08/2026 14:52

AppleKatie · 02/08/2026 14:47

I think if the ‘children’ were similar in age and had a birthday in the same few months period spending 1000 on one and 100 on another would be bad form.

but if there are 6/7/8 YEARS between them a huge amount can change and I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. It sounds like your gift was very generous and more than I spend on my nieces 😂

I agree, the contrast in that situation would be hurtful. However, further to your point about the passing of time, a situation could arise in a non stepchild family whereby a generous relative gave some children a significant gift (eg 18th birthday), but due to changed financial circumstances couldn’t do the same for any younger siblings. Sometimes these things are just ‘one of those things’.

AppleKatie · 02/08/2026 14:47

I think if the ‘children’ were similar in age and had a birthday in the same few months period spending 1000 on one and 100 on another would be bad form.

but if there are 6/7/8 YEARS between them a huge amount can change and I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. It sounds like your gift was very generous and more than I spend on my nieces 😂

CombatBarbie · 02/08/2026 14:38

Its so hard with step children. I think the main difference in alot of these threads is that Step niece is still actively involved with her bio father.

If this was a thread on "i'm expected to treat them all the same" but SNs dads side of the family is wealthy, take her on long haul holidays, buy her designer clothes etc then that is massively unfair to the bio neices.

Bunnie007 · 02/08/2026 14:36

Your brother sounds hugely entitled. Regardless of what money you have or what gifts you have given before there should never be an expectation that you will do this again bio niece or step niece. It was unnecessary for him to voice his disappointment to your parents or for them to pass on this information. I may be wrong but I sense maybe you are the more wealthy member of the family and this might be why certain expectations have been placed on you. Please don’t give it another thought. As others have said your brother can not dictate your relationship with his stepchildren and decide they must always be treated the same aa the bio children. Also as previous posters have said this can then mean step children get presents from all sides and it’s the bio children who miss out! I was a step child myself and have step nieces and nephews and a range of things have happened. Some treated the same some not. No one comments ever. This is a personal choice and for what it’s worth I think you made a good one.

adverteasing · 02/08/2026 14:36

But she presumably has relatives on the other side of her family.

I never understand this argument. Not all of us have family on both sides.

BIossomtoes · 02/08/2026 14:34

This blood nonsense makes mine boil.