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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

535 replies

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:18

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
ScartlettSole · 02/08/2026 21:16

FilmsandBooks · 02/08/2026 10:43

I can’t imagine ever doing this. All of the stepchildren in my family are treated the same as the other kids. Cruel to do otherwise imo.

Same. Family members who were very keen to point out there's a difference or treat differently have been ditched, they aren't missed 🤷🏼‍♀️

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 20:29

BarbaraVineFan · 02/08/2026 19:35

He and his wife have now been together for about 30 years and he has brought the stepchildren up as his own from the ages of 3, 5 and 7, so I can see why he was ‘ demanding’ it.

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That was a choice he was free to make for himself, not one he was entitled to make for anyone else.

Vanillaicelatte · 02/08/2026 20:20

I have 2 SS both adults in there 30s I’ve been in there lives 25 years

I still leave all the presents , visiting arrangements to my DH & I just tag along

my son who is my DH stepson they do genuinely think of each as father and son as he has brought him up since he was around 3 years old and I am certain that if I wasn’t around they would still have just as close of a relationship

but I do all the birthday gifts / presents for my son and my side of the family and just put his name on any cards and gifts

my DH is very close to both of my nieces and has been in their lives since they were born and they think of him as their uncle

But I don’t expect my DH to financially support my son or buy gifts for my nieces & nephew

Marieb19 · 02/08/2026 20:19

You bought your step daughter a thoughtful generous present, which she loves. Your brother is being mercenary and judgemental. Ignore him. If he grows a spine and challenges you, you can completely justify your decision about how you spend your money.

Noodles1234 · 02/08/2026 19:59

I think this is where there are blurred lines within blended families. Personally I think you’ve been very generous and way more than my kids get even from me let alone an aunt. If I was your brother I’d have been gracious and not mentioned anything to your parents, may have had an opinion and wanted to moan to you but realised that was below the belt. He has not known her since a baby and now she is part of his life but not legally, it is a lovely thought of yours.
personally I would leave it, if you still feel aggrieved about a decision and want to clear the air, if you can afford it offer her £150 towards the car / car insurance as a peace offering. I just find it sad people are grabby and do not just take the gift with good grace.

OutAndAbouting · 02/08/2026 19:55

You have categorically done the correct thing. SD is not related to you. You have been generous and kind.
…. typo

Anxioustealady · 02/08/2026 19:54

Sparrowsandbudgies · 02/08/2026 13:26

I agree. But Mumsnet is very anti step family 🙄

You either give them all the same or not at all, especially after 8 years.

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Sad for the neice to have to miss out because her parents split up.

Buffs · 02/08/2026 19:52

You sound very generous OP and the fact that there is a significant age difference reduces the chances of comparison. Your DB is being entitled.YADNBU.

Sartre · 02/08/2026 19:44

It’s hard. I grew up as a stepchild and my stepdad was abusive but so were his parents. They would spend hundreds on my half brother and wrap something up from around the house for me. I’m not saying you’ve done this here, you still put a lot of effort in and spent a lot on her. I can see why your brother is upset if this is something you often do though, you mention always buying your nieces more so it will be noticed.

Having said that, you were massively generous with 1k of driving lessons and he’s grabby to automatically expect the same 7 years later for his SD.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/08/2026 19:43

It is horribly grabby of him to have been counting on money from you. Because basically it is also a gift to him - it’s money that now he may feel he needs to pay out. But he can’t reasonably feel it’s your job to pay for his kids’ driving lessons, that’s insane.

On the other hand, it is a huge difference and perhaps a little unkind to the child for her to see such a distinction made.

So a bit on the fence here!

What other family does she have?

BIossomtoes · 02/08/2026 19:40

saraclara · 02/08/2026 19:26

But it is a significant thing. OP's nieces will always be her nieces. They're family for life.
Step children are only your family while their parent and step parent are together.

My DD's in-laws treated her BIL's step kids as their grandchildren. Loved them, treated then the same as their blood grandchildren, and were financially generous to them. Five or six years later, BIL and partner split up, and DD's PILs never saw them again, and were broken hearted.

My DGD remains confused as to why she doesn't have cousins any more.

Edited
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That can happen in families that share DNA. The only person in my family I have a blood relationship to is my son but almost 30 years in my step kids’ lives mean I’m just as close to them. I never see any of my cousins who are my only other blood relatives. It’s nonsense.

ParsleySageToiletDuckAndBinBags · 02/08/2026 19:36

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2026 16:10

I wouldn't mention it.

Your step-niece has an involved father in her life. It's not as if your brother has been in her life from babyhood. If anything, her biological father could view it as you stepping on his toes if you handed his daughter £1k for driving lessons. For all you know, HE may want to do that.

Yes, indeed - it could well boil down to OP being the baddie if she gives her step DN a grand or the baddie if she doesn't.

BarbaraVineFan · 02/08/2026 19:35

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 19:18

It’s a shame he thought that appropriate to demand of his mother.

Conversely, there’s a current thread about a father is in the process losing his relationship his actual children because of his insistence on his stepchildren being considered equal to them.

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He and his wife have now been together for about 30 years and he has brought the stepchildren up as his own from the ages of 3, 5 and 7, so I can see why he was ‘ demanding’ it.

saraclara · 02/08/2026 19:26

BIossomtoes · 02/08/2026 14:34

This blood nonsense makes mine boil.

But it is a significant thing. OP's nieces will always be her nieces. They're family for life.
Step children are only your family while their parent and step parent are together.

My DD's in-laws treated her BIL's step kids as their grandchildren. Loved them, treated then the same as their blood grandchildren, and were financially generous to them. Five or six years later, BIL and partner split up, and DD's PILs never saw them again, and were broken hearted.

My DGD remains confused as to why she doesn't have cousins any more.

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 19:18

BarbaraVineFan · 02/08/2026 18:32

be careful, OP. My aunt did this with her step-grandchildren and it created a massive rift in the family- the relationship with her son never recovered and he even talked at her funeral about how hurt he had been by her sidelining his stepchildren.

It’s a shame he thought that appropriate to demand of his mother.

Conversely, there’s a current thread about a father is in the process losing his relationship his actual children because of his insistence on his stepchildren being considered equal to them.

WorkCleanRepeat · 02/08/2026 18:57

He is being very unreasonable. You were doing him a favour paying for his girls' driving lessons. His step daughter's Dad can pick up the tab for hers.

IonianNerveGrip · 02/08/2026 18:49

Iris2020 · 02/08/2026 13:54

There's an almost identical thread where the OP is being told that of course her brother's step children don't need to be treated the same as nephews and nieces.
Mumsnet is weird sometimes.

Tbf that's the way the majority of votes have gone here too.

BarbaraVineFan · 02/08/2026 18:32

be careful, OP. My aunt did this with her step-grandchildren and it created a massive rift in the family- the relationship with her son never recovered and he even talked at her funeral about how hurt he had been by her sidelining his stepchildren.

TheRagingCrumpet · 02/08/2026 18:32

You really didn’t think about this?

OneNewEagle · 02/08/2026 17:01

You have given a lovely gift. Driving lessons are for her parents to pay for. some kids don’t even want to learn to drive my DC never has.

MyDarlingRose · 02/08/2026 16:45

PrettyPickle · 02/08/2026 13:58

In all honesty I suppose it depends on how you want to be perceived in your relationship with your stepniece.

I have a step-grandaughter and I treat her exactly the same as my biological grandkids, she is a child and even though she has a full and good relationship with her absent bio Father, she lives as part of our sons life and we accept her as such. I want to be treated as her real granny and so I treat her as my real granddaughter and put biology aside.

If the message you want to send is that she is not your real niece then crack on. There is a big discrepancy between £50 and £1000. £1000 is a very generous gift for a 17yr old. What have you done in previous years, have you given her less then too?

Then I say to myself that perhaps you didn't give her the £1000 as you felt you only gave it to your bio nieces as you knew their parents didn't have the money for driving lessons and you are assuming your stepniece's bio Father did and I could see a case for that argument had you explained that beforehand, setting expectations. But intention doesn’t erase impact.

I see why your brother is disappointed in you, he’s upset about what it means for his stepdaughter’s place in the family. I think you have handled it without consideration for how this would be received emotionally. I think you have basically sent the message that your stepniece is not as important to you and if that is the message you wanted delivered, you have probably achieved it.

No-one can tell you what to do with your money, £1000 is very generous and I think you need to have a conversation with you brother about your rationale and if it doesn't stack up, you may want to reconsider the size of the gift you have given to your stepniece but when two children in a family receive £1000 each for a milestone birthday, and the third -who has been part of the family for eight years - receives £50, that isn’t a “slight difference in circumstances.” It’s a statement. Whether intentional or not, it communicates:

  • You are not equal to them.
  • You are not my responsibility in the same way.
  • I don’t see you as part of the same circle.
And once that message is delivered, you can’t un‑ring the bell. Even if you now try to “top up” the money, it won’t erase the original choice. It will look like damage control, not genuine inclusion
  1. grandparent and aunt are quite different relationships.
  2. To be angry with someone because they paid for two of your children’s driving lessons but not the others almost a decade later. Incredibly entitled.
  3. I am a stepdaughter and step sister. They aren’t my mum or brothers. I don’t even know their aunts and uncles. We’re good friends and that is all. We aren’t family. Why on earth would I consider myself equal to them with their bio family? We aren’t and never will be and that fine
HollyhocksandPeons · 02/08/2026 16:44

I did not even know they existed - step-nieces? How odd. I think it all stops at step-children, the rest are just randos, sorry. You were far too generous anyway.

TreesinthePark · 02/08/2026 16:42

OP, I don't think YABU and by the sounds of it neither does your step-niece.

I had a step-nephew years ago (via sibling's now ex-partner) who was fully embraced by my family and was effectively the first grandchild. However, he was a bright, cute and well behaved toddler who was an absolute joy.
If a new, older step-niece/nephew appeared in my family I doubt I could muster the same enthusiasm. No hostility, but my relationship with my biological teen nieces is enough for me and I'm not particularly open to adding to that.

AnonyMumAuDHD · 02/08/2026 16:39

Sensiblesal · 02/08/2026 16:27

Why would he buy gifts for kids he has no connection too?

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Well, then why should Op buy [expensive] gifts for her brother’s step children?

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 16:35

Ecstaticmotion · 02/08/2026 12:48

Wow so many people are so horrible on this thread. How many of the people who have said it’s fine what she’s done have grown up as stepkids? I can’t even be bothered to talk you all through how effed up and simply lacking in reality this biologically obsessed orientation is, but just know that how you treat children shapes their whole selves and lives. Eurgh.

That is something for their parents to consider, preferably before they teach their children that of course those they are related to in law consider them equal to biological relatives. That is not something that can be assumed, and expecting it is likely to lead to hurt.

No one needs you to explain anything, least of all reality, considering how in denial of it you seemingly are. Biological ties matter to the vast majority of people, as they have since time immemorial across all cultures. Thinking they shouldn’t doesn’t mean they don’t, no matter how much you may complain about it.