AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

I’m going to be blunt because this is one of those situations where the numbers speak louder than any justification.

You didn’t just give different gifts. You sent a very clear message about who you see as “family” and who you don’t. And its a message your brother has received clear and loud, whether the rest of the poster on here feel the same way or not.

Your brother has spent eight years doing the hard work of making his stepdaughter (and stepson) feel fully included. That’s not easy, blended families take effort, consistency, and care. And then you come along and give £1000 to each biological niece and £50 to the stepniece. That’s not a small difference. It’s a statement.

You can absolutely choose who you gift and how much. No one is saying you’re legally obliged to do anything. But you don’t get to act surprised when people react to the message you’ve sent. Because the message is “These two girls are my real nieces.” “This one isn’t.”

Ask yourself a question, if time travel was possible and you could have all 4 kids (2 bio nieces, step niece and step nephew) together in front of you at ages 17, would you feel comfortable accepting the impact of giving £1000 to the two bio nieces and not the step niece/nephew in the actual moment. No discomfort about the discrepancy and conclusion they would come to?

And yes, your step niece will feel, that you have confirmed she is not as valued as your bio nieces, if not now, later. She’s 17. She’s not daft. She probably knows what the others got and yes probably from your brother. You’ve drawn a line she can’t unsee. You can absolutely feel that she is not as connected, but you shouldn't show it, its like not showing favourites with your kids1

As for the “her bio dad can pay” argument - that cuts both ways. The bio nieces have a mother and maternal family too. You decided they couldn't afford it and on what have you based this decision for your step nieces family and why not communicate that prior to gift giving? You didn’t leave their driving lessons to their Mothers family. You stepped in because you see those girls as yours. You chose not to step in for the stepniece because you don’t. That’s your right. But own it.

Just don’t pretend this was a neutral act or that the hurt feelings are unreasonable. You’ve made a distinction, and the people involved, especially the child, will feel it.

If you want harmony in the family, you need to understand the impact of your choices, not just defend the technicalities.

Indeed, but how do you know the stepnieces Dad isn't dead - either way there will hopefully be grandparents?

It doesn’t matter what the bio nieces mother did or didn’t do. OP wanted to give them that gift, so she did. That’s it. If this girl’s own relatives want to do the same, they can.

OP’s brother can make his own choices about whether or not to consider her as equal to his actual children, but he cannot make the choice for anyone else in his family. If he’s learned that he’s failed in trying to dictate to his sister, then good, he shouldn’t have been laboring under the delusion that this was within his power to do in the first place. Let him sulk.

We don't actually know whether he's tried hard to integrate DSD into the family at all. That's an assumption. He still can't dictate the feelings and relationships of others anyway, but based on what OP has said it's possible he's done no running at all and this complaint to his parents at the lack of a grand is as far as he's gone.

Leave it alone- your brother sounds like an entitled soandso and should be grateful of any gift from whoever.
You sound very generous to step niece, don’t give any more now otherwise you are teaching brother if he stamps his feet and tantrums to mummy and daddy, he gets what he wants.

So the rule is being applied that it was OK for her to pay £1000 for driving lessons for her bio nieces because her brother and stepmum could not. No consideration was given to whether the bio mother of the daughters and her family should help pay, in the way people are saying the step nieces bio Father/family should step in and pay?

And yes, if the OP doesn't mind the step niece knowing how she is not valued in the same way as the bio nieces after 8 years, then there is no problem at all, but understand the OPs brother has been trying to build a united family and this will feel like a clear statement that he has not been successful even before it impacts the step niece when she realises she has been dealt with differently. No one says she HAS to treat them the same, but she needs to appreciate the implication if she doesn't.

It would be interesting to learn from the OP @OnTheWatersEdge what happens when all three bio and non bio nieces are in the room with her step nephew, does she give them the same then or different?

Or maybe OP knows more about her own nieces' personal circumstances than she knows about the family she's not related to.

Maybe she’s dead.

So what about the bio nieces natural mother and her family? Why didn't they contribute to the driving lessons instead of the OP?

I'm assuming her bio nieces have an absent Mother and family as it sounds like her brother has remarried hence the younger stepkids?

Its the message it gives that child which is she is not perceived as equal to or as valued as her step sisters. she has been in the family for 8 years, more than half her life. OPs brother will have tried so hard to integrate her into the family and this says his family don't feel the same, it have to be a blow, a lack of solidarity from his own family. I get it.

It is totally fine, and OP isn’t her aunt. Most people do value their nieces and nephews over someone who isn’t either. This girl isn’t the same to her as her actual relatives, and she’s under no obligation to pretend that she is. That isn’t to say OP should be unkind to the girl, and she wasn’t.

It isn’t OP’s fault that her life is ‘fractured’, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to provide for her what her own relatives may not.

I am also someones stepdaughter and stepsister and a stepmum.

She can get away with giving less if she explains the rationale before hand, but this is a kid, a kid who as been in the family for more than half her fractured life and the signal her Dad has clearly picked up upon is that she is not valued by her aunt in the same way her stepsisters are. She is a kid, not an adult and its not fine.

Nope, I strongly disagree. This was a delicate situation and if she wasn't going to give her step niece the same, she should have communicated this before hand at least to her brother as not the message she has given is that she does not value her stepniece in the same ways she does her bio nieces and that step niece has been in the family more than half her life. We are talking a kid here who has already had a fractured life, she is not an adult.

Because she should have communicated that difference or lack of finances be BEFORE giving her step niece a much 1/20th of what her bio nieces got, so it was understood to be a change in circumstances and not an evaluation of the step nieces worth within the family.

Her brother is presumably trying hard to integrate his stepdaughter into his family and this will not help. But the damage is done now and there is no undoing it. 8 years of being in this family is more than half of this kids life.

Personally and I haven't read the thread, just the ops posts. Its cuntish. Sorry this girl came into your family as a 10 year old child. Either she's family or not. My wife's brother has kids, they have kids...they ain't my blood but if anyone hurt them I'd be looking at a life sentence. You either love a child or you don't...if your heart doesn't then ok. But its cuntish

Don't give it any more thought. The SN&N have 2 biological parents of their own whose job it is to sort out driving lessons. What you did 10 years ago for your own nieces is irrelevant. Your brother shouldn't assume otherwise.

Hmmm this is a tough one. My first reactions are that: 1) your gifts to your nieces were unfathomably generous (£1k driving lessons!?!!); 2) your gift to step-niece was very generous in terms of more normal levels of gift-giving (eg I wouldn’t spend anywhere near £100 on a gift for any niece/step-niece, maybe £50 for an 18th but not any other birthday); 3) your brother seems very grabby & greedy; and 4) if he expected driving lessons he should have discussed this with you beforehand.

People may understandably tend to give less to step-children because those children may have their own biological family to give them gifts.

What was the reason that you chose to treat DSN very differently from DNs?

Maybe your DB isn’t offended by the lack of present but by the message it sends, basically saying there are different to your blood nieces, which of course they are but it still smacks a little to him potentially.

But at the end of the day it’s your money and you can do what you like with it and you sounds thoughtful and generous too. You don’t see them the same , but they aren’t the same as this is the complexities of blended families. I think the difference in present is very stark here though. I just hope the SD wasn’t expecting lessons and he hadn’t put that idea in her head because that would a) be wrong as it’s down to you and b ) sad and disappointing for her.

Im a bit on the fence with this one. My SGPs won quite a large amount of money on the pools when I was a kid and they gave me and my sister some which was very kind and their blood GC ( my half brothers) much much more. It definitely hurt and was a bit of a moment of realising the lines . We had been in their lives for longer than their own GC but it was clear to us that they saw us differently. Fair enough but still hurt ( not as an adult) but as a kid it definitely did. It’s tricky. I personally wouldn’t differentiate in these circumstances ( assuming I had the money to do it) but that’s because I’ve been a SC and know how good it feels when you are treated the same. I don’t blame you though, it’s tricky . I would chat to your brother and just explain to clear the air .

How do you think she feels?

Congrats.

YABVU.

I wonder if he would even have been happy if OP had indeed given his SD £1,000 too - as what if he then complained that she'd still given her less in real terms than half-sisters, and it should have been increased to allow for inflation, especially in relation to the ever-increasing cost of driving lessons?

I just think that, with his attitude, OP is going to be 'wrong' whatever she does or doesn't do.

Don’t raise it. He’s being petty and rude by mentioning it to your DM. If he feels that strongly he can talk to you. But mostly he’s horribly misguided if he thinks everything should be equal.

Reading all your updates it appears that for other birthdays/Xmas they get roughly the same (given the age difference, £100 go further for a younger girl than £200 for an older one I'd think) so they have been treated fairly/equally however one would put it other than the 17th birthday?
Do you think your brother is being "grabby" as others have put it? Or do you think he's genuinely upset at "his child" being treated differently? If its grabby, I wouldn't bring it up but if you think it's because he's hurt then I'd talk to him.

I have a step-niece. I treat her the same as I do my nephew. We all do.

Exactly this.