Husband wanting me to walk away if child is hurt

My husband has a great relationship to our two boys. When he's with them alone, he'll comfort them and they'll go to him. But if I'm there, they want me. Husband picks up, comforts while bringing them over to me. I don't see why my child should be forced to stay away from me if I'm there and they want me. My husband is also secure enough in his bond with his children that he knows sometimes they just want mum.

Your son wants who he wants for comfort. That’s understandable.

But one day you might not be there when he’s hurt. And then it’s going to be a lot harder for both your son to be comforted and husband to comfort him.

Yoire feelings are completely valid, you’re allowed to worry, and you’re allowed to want and need to provide comfort to DS. But your husband isn’t wrong either. Nobody is wrong here - you both just need to find a compromise.

@Charlingspont the man you describe behaved just like my exH. For two years I felt like the OP, second guessing when it was “okay” to comfort my child - even interact with them - because he HAD to be more important and more heroic. I feel sad for the OP because I know in my situation it wasn’t just about the giving comfort, there was sooo much more simmering away under his, eventually obvious, resentment. I hope this isn’t the case for you, @Upsetface , but I want you to know I understand that nasty feeling of self-doubt. I used to get told to leave the area, got tutted at if I dared to make even the most quiet sympathetic noises and “oops up you get” in the case of tumbles…his training of me worked for a short time. I decided it was more damaging for my Dd to be confused as to why I was essentially refusing to give comfort and freezing them out when they were hurt or sad than anything else. I saw eventually that exH was actually trying to break the bond I had out of spite for me. This came to a head when he said he couldn’t wait for her to be a teenager and hate me as that’s all I deserve. I’m so grateful to have had the courage to leave.

Agree with this. My friend's DH was the same - didn't put the hours in with the child, but wanted to be the hero when child hurt themselves. He literally shoved my friend away once at a party when child fell over so that he could get there first, but not out of concern for child, merely to be the 'saviour'. Vile man.

From what you describe here I totally agree with your feelings and feel you are right. All you can do is articulate exactly what you just said here to him . It may lead to a wider discussion about him feeling less important or undermined in a wider context. And I'm not saying that is anything you have done btw. I hope he's good at listening and hearing you. It's very difficult. I remember having to hand my son over to his dad and he'd cry and cry. ( Separated). I'd be in absolute turmoil. Dad just didn't feel it at all. It was a case of oh he will be ok stop fussing. I think this dynamic is very common whether together or separate. Men just seem to come at this from a different place with less empathy for the child based on lots of conversations I have with friends.

I'm prepared to be whipped for generalising massively here 😬☺️

Jesus. Relationships are made during peaceful times not traumatic ones. He wants a relationship he needs to invest time not just comfort him when he’s in pain.

Both of mine, always want me when they've hurt themselves. I think that's pretty normal. I think your dh is making an issue where there is none.

I think your toddler reaching for you, and your DH sending you away into another room because he wants to comfort him, is ridiculous!

You rushing in to take your child when DH is already dealing with it is a completely different scenario.

There is a difference between you being in the same area when he gets hurt and him reaching to you for comfort by default vs you running from the other side of the house if you heard a cry. In the case of the former, whichever parent the child reaches for would comfort them but the latter, it’s reasonable to leave your DH to it unless it sounds like something serious has happened

Yeah, with your husband, you sound controlling.

I agree with you OP. DH has a good bond and presumably comforts DC when you aren't there. But if a small child wants mum when upset, you hug them. If they want their bunny, or a blanket, or some milk, that's OK too.

It's almost like DH's need is trumping DC's. Which is weird.

I think if you're both there then the child should be comforted by whoever they reach for. Your DH was thinking of himself by stopping your son going to you.

There will be many times that DH can comfort DS if they regularly spend time just the two of them. As long as they have their own bond I don't see what the issue is with DS wanting a cuddle from his mum.

What sort of parent wants to make a point when their child is hurt and wants the other parent. It's a perfectly normal and natural stage and to point score over it is really sad. If your child has a lot of time with their dad he'll have lots of chances to bond and next time you pick him up he might want his dad. And now the child is in the middle of parents falling out, great!

To be fair if I hear my 3 or 4 year old crying and my husband is nearer or in the same room I leave him to deal with it. The exception being if it's a blood curling fallen down the stairs / blood escaping scream then I'd run the earth to get to them. He told me once when DD was the same age as your little one that I was interfering and undermining him. I took it on board, if the kids need reassurance then they come and find me but I let him deal with it first if he's the first one there. As a result they don't hang off my hip for every minor digression and will tolerate him in the night usually.

I don't think it's fair on the child to be prevented from receiving comfort from their mother.

That isn’t what happened here though. The child reached for his mother.
We always just let our children go to whoever they reached for, as that’s obviously who they wanted to comfort them at that particular time.

The child should choose who he wants comfort from. Dad can pick.him up but if he wants mum he should be allowed to go to mum. No harm in mum strategically leaving the room or being busy so that dad gets a chance initially. However dad should do plenty of sole charge care so that opportunities to comfort the child arise naturally.

I don't think you can compare grandparents with the child's father, though.

I see both sides - it's normal for small children to have a favourite parent but equally both parents need to be able to provide comfort/care to their child.

I think if DH was dealing with the situation, he should have been let to get on with it, though.

It should be able who the child wants the comfort from. Not for dh to decide he wants to do it.

I used be a nanny and the dad dropped the toddler from his shoulders. We all went the sit and the child sat on mums knee crying the whole time as she wanted me. I looked after her 6/7 days so we had a strong bond. Mum wouldn't let me take her. I understood why but I still think it was wrong.

I agree and disagree. In general it might help to allow DH opportunities to build a bond so that your child does want to go to him more. He may already do that but is there an opportunity to do that - bath time, bedtime for example?

I understand why Dh felt that way if you were hovering about. I also see how it doesn't feel right to just ignore your child wanting you for comfort

I'd let the 16 month old go to the person she/he was reaching out to (and strange to deny him/her that). He was a toddler wanting comfort not a life lesson. Parent's need to 'prove' themselves shouldn't trump their child.

You should be able to comfort him if there and he wants you. However your husband should be having time with him one to one and that will give dc the opportunity to learn that dad can comfort too.

I had a friend who believed that only she could comfort her son. I saw her drag her perfectly calm chid out of her husband's arms during a thunder storm because "he needed his mother". I felt so sorry for her husband that she had such a low opinion of his parenting ability.

Some men get tarred with the same brush as all useless fathers and here's one who is absolutely capable. Let him.

I partially disagree. Yes he needs to be able to comfort his son, and the best way to build that up is by spending time with him.

I don’t think a distressed child reaching for his mum should be denied her cuddles though. When grandparents do that on here they get lambasted!

The child should not be taken away from their source of comfort when they are distressed!