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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is an awful way to break news

88 replies

LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 14:03

DM messaged me and DB a few days ago asking if we were free for a family call this weekend to discuss something. DB said he wasn’t going to be available, so asked what the call was about. DM refused to say. DF has had serious health issues and a few years ago came close to dying. DB asked if we should be worried and DM said that nobody was dying but we needed to speak with all of us together. We said we were free right then and there but DM said she was on her way to bed. We suggested Friday but she said she was going out, so DB has now rearranged his plans so we can all speak tonight.

I’ve been trying and failing to put it out of my mind, as knowing DM it could be life-altering news (good or bad), or something relatively trivial. She doesn’t always consider how what she says or does affects the people around her. Our family was enmeshed when I was growing up, so I have quite firm boundaries now. The cynical part of me feels manipulated, as it seems obvious that DB and I would’ve spent the last three days obsessing over what the news could be and assuming the worst.

YABU - big family news should be discussed with everyone present and DM has done nothing wrong in how she’s organised it

YANBU - it sounds like DM has been insensitive and there are more tactful ways this could’ve been arranged.

OP posts:
Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 16:18

@CurlyhairedAssassin luckily DH and I are very low drama and our kids will get to grow up in a house where communication is very straight forward.

We are both very busy with family life and full time work, however it’s not a case of us not making the time. DM specifically stated it would be 7pm on Saturday and DB said he had plans on Saturday evening but would rearrange if it was something important. He has since rearranged his plans. I said I could do whenever as long as it wasn’t when I was at work on Friday or during the bedtime routine. DM was the one who said not Friday, regardless of the time and not today other than at 7pm.

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fieldsofbutterflies · 06/04/2024 16:10

If it was that important, she wouldn't have gone to bed and would have had the conversation then and there, not been happy to wait three days.

IME conversations like this always end up being about something really minor.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/04/2024 16:03

I don't understand how some families operate on such poor communication and drama. Dh's family can be a little bit like that but it just wouldn't happen in my family, we are quite open and the phone call a few days ago would have just been along the lines of "we need to talk about power of attorney/will/downsizing/thinking of moving abroad, when are you all available for a discussion together?"

Did you brother actually just say "I'm not available at the weekend" even after she'd asked for a time at the weekend when she could schedule a family call? Or did he explain and specify what he was doing eg "I'm away on a stag do all weekend/I'm working away for the weekend and it will be difficult to call but let me know when you're thinking and I'll see if I can manage it". If there IS something very important she wants to discuss it's a bit shit if your brother just said "I'm not available". Are you all just so terribly busy that you can't make half an hour during your whole weekend to speak to your mother? What was wrong with the rest of the day today, why did it have to be scheduled into the evening? Or what was wrong with Friday any time before she went out?

mikado1 · 06/04/2024 15:38

LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:28

@mikado1 I should be able to stitch the worry off. I can be quite anxious at times, so it’s difficult for me not to ruminate. Once I’ve had bad news I can process it and work out what needs to happen next, but having the possibility hanging over me is stressful.

But like you and others have pointed out, it isn’t necessarily bad news.

It was the way it was phrased that’s made me think it is. ‘Do we have anything to worry about?’ ‘Nobody’s dying, let’s speak when we’re all together’.

Ok well then I think I'd try to harness this way of thinking 'No problem Mum, talk Saturday' and don't give it another minute's thought until then, inner eyeroll perhaps! Ruminating is the worst, I was one of those.

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:29

@Ticktapticktap It will upset me if it’s something like that because a simple, “it’s nothing bad or anything to be worried about, we just think it’s something that needs a whole family discussion” would be fine. The coyness is what makes it feel manipulative.

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Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:28

@mikado1 I should be able to stitch the worry off. I can be quite anxious at times, so it’s difficult for me not to ruminate. Once I’ve had bad news I can process it and work out what needs to happen next, but having the possibility hanging over me is stressful.

But like you and others have pointed out, it isn’t necessarily bad news.

It was the way it was phrased that’s made me think it is. ‘Do we have anything to worry about?’ ‘Nobody’s dying, let’s speak when we’re all together’.

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Ticktapticktap · 06/04/2024 15:27

Whenever my parents do this it always ends up being something like "we're redoing the kitchen" or "we're redoing our will to leave the grandkids our Spode".

I've learned to stop worrying about it being anything serious, you have to. But yeah, I do think they're doing it to be manipulate you into worrying about them

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:24

@LlynTegid I did suggest that we speak then. I just never know if I’m being too harsh when it comes to things like this. I do still want them to feel supported if it’s something terrible.

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mikado1 · 06/04/2024 15:23

LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:20

@mikado1 I think that’s what has worried me is that she thinks the conversation is so important that he needed to change his plans. But then again it wasn’t important enough for her to change her plans or even go to be a little later.

Ime we've always said would Sunday suit etc and arrange a mutually suitable time. After years of caring and worrying, I know don't tend to worry so much about things as I had to learn to live outside of the tough times and I deal with things as they come. Not easy to switch the worry off I know but try to just say 'We'll find out later.' POA sounds like a possibility or a downsize.

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:23

@crumblingschools maybe that’s what she wants to speak about. It’s not something that’s ever been mentioned and I honestly don’t think they’d make a big deal out of it.

They recently did (maybe redid, I’m not sure) their will and made me executor but the way I found out was that I got sent an email from the company who wrote the will, informing me what I’d have to do in the event of a death…

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Spirallingdownwards · 06/04/2024 15:21

LlynTegid · 06/04/2024 15:13

'I'm available for the next 30 minutes or not at all' would have been a response I would have supported the OP doing. No way should you post that bad news will be delivered in three or four days time.

She hasn't said it IS bad news. She wants a family discussion. It is amazing so many people have jumped to the same incorrect conclusion based on what we were told. The mother may not even realise that OP is fretting over what may be a non controversial family discussion over something which may be as basic as we are clearing out the loft and need you to decide which of rhe childhood toys you want to keep or bin or we are redoing our wills and want you both to be executors or only one of you as executor and this is why.

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:20

@mikado1 I think that’s what has worried me is that she thinks the conversation is so important that he needed to change his plans. But then again it wasn’t important enough for her to change her plans or even go to be a little later.

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crumblingschools · 06/04/2024 15:20

If there are health concerns with parents, would be good to chat about POA

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:18

Spirallingdownwards · 06/04/2024 15:11

DH sounds like he is the one attention seeking. She had simply asked for a family discussion at a time when people have time to discuss it properly.

Show quote history

He really isn’t. He’s a very lovely man and is also worried about what the news could be as his DF has also had some awful health problems recently and he knows how tough it is. He’s very protective of me and is the one who picks up the pieces when there is conflict with DM. It’s taken me a long while to establish appropriate boundaries and I never would’ve been able to without his support.

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Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:16

@leftmeforasodjer I saw her on Monday. And the week before. And took her out for a meal the week before that.

Edited to correct the day

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mikado1 · 06/04/2024 15:14

LlynTegid · 06/04/2024 15:13

'I'm available for the next 30 minutes or not at all' would have been a response I would have supported the OP doing. No way should you post that bad news will be delivered in three or four days time.

She hasn't said it's bad news.

LlynTegid · 06/04/2024 15:13

'I'm available for the next 30 minutes or not at all' would have been a response I would have supported the OP doing. No way should you post that bad news will be delivered in three or four days time.

mikado1 · 06/04/2024 15:12

I'm going against the grain to say she is nbu. She wants to chat to you both together and has named a time and day that suits, with some notice. She could have allowed for dB to change it tho as he had plans. However I have had a lot of these facetime family meetings in recent years so it wouldn't cost me any thought until I'm sitting down to listen. Hope all is well.

Spirallingdownwards · 06/04/2024 15:11

LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 14:56

@Viviennemary This is what DH suggested. He says it’s attention seeking and I should refuse to play along but I’m not sure if it is attention seeking or just thoughtless.

DH sounds like he is the one attention seeking. She had simply asked for a family discussion at a time when people have time to discuss it properly.

Tlolljs · 06/04/2024 15:11

I’d reserve judgement until you find out what the news is if I were you.

HappiestSleeping · 06/04/2024 15:10

I don't think they are being unreasonable wanting to tell everyone at once, but it would be better to just invite everyone over for dinner without the big cliff hanger.

Personally, I would work on the basis that it is probably nothing until you hear otherwise. Especially as there is previous form. Also, 90% of what we worry about never actually happens.

leftmeforasodjer · 06/04/2024 15:09

Maybe make more time for them . Surely your life isn't so special or busy that you can't spare a bit of time for them ? My brothers were like this with my parents when they were alive and left all the caring to me . That upset me because my parents wanted tbeir time more than anything. (My own feelings aside). I had my own life and family too. You have plenty of spare time when they are dead and no one is talking about boundary stepping but calling your mother /MIL attention seeking when she has potentially serious news for you in a tad cold.

Spirallingdownwards · 06/04/2024 15:08

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/04/2024 14:07

I agree. Don't tell someone you're going to hit them with bad news in three days time, then leave them anxiously ruminating. If they say "tell me now" you should tell them now.

There was no suggestion of any bad news though. Just wanted a family discussion. Could be anything.

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:08

@crumblingschools they're in their 60’s

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Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:08

@ComtesseDeSpair I feel sad that I have that opinion and I wish I didn’t, but unfortunately it’s based on years of experience. It is true that whatever it is will likely affect them more, so that’s a helpful way to look at it to feel less cynical.

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