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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is an awful way to break news

88 replies

LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 14:03

DM messaged me and DB a few days ago asking if we were free for a family call this weekend to discuss something. DB said he wasn’t going to be available, so asked what the call was about. DM refused to say. DF has had serious health issues and a few years ago came close to dying. DB asked if we should be worried and DM said that nobody was dying but we needed to speak with all of us together. We said we were free right then and there but DM said she was on her way to bed. We suggested Friday but she said she was going out, so DB has now rearranged his plans so we can all speak tonight.

I’ve been trying and failing to put it out of my mind, as knowing DM it could be life-altering news (good or bad), or something relatively trivial. She doesn’t always consider how what she says or does affects the people around her. Our family was enmeshed when I was growing up, so I have quite firm boundaries now. The cynical part of me feels manipulated, as it seems obvious that DB and I would’ve spent the last three days obsessing over what the news could be and assuming the worst.

YABU - big family news should be discussed with everyone present and DM has done nothing wrong in how she’s organised it

YANBU - it sounds like DM has been insensitive and there are more tactful ways this could’ve been arranged.

OP posts:
Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 07/04/2024 00:16

@Sockmate123 It all blew up afterwards as she text me about why I was being off with her, so I’m feeling a bit sad now.

OP posts:
Sockmate123 · 07/04/2024 00:10

Hope you are OK, your Mum sounds attention seeking tbh. That wasn't a reason for a big conversation with a big build up 😒

betterangels · 06/04/2024 23:53

She sounds attention-seeking and narcissistic. I would be pissed off having been put through that for no reason. That could have been a text message.

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 23:12

@CurlyhairedAssassin I don’t think so. The way our childhood is spoken about is along the lines of “oh yes, we made some mistakes but all parents do and you will too.” To the outside world they work very hard to portray a perfect family and ignore any narrative that would suggest otherwise.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/04/2024 23:03

The whole dynamic just sounds really difficult. What would just be a normal occurrence in most families who own a property abroad at this time of life has been turned into an unnecessarily Big Deal.

Reading between the lines, could there be any connection to the traumatic childhood memories you talk about, this big conversation you were all supposed to be having together?

Bakersdozens · 06/04/2024 22:36

what a horrible thing to put you through for no reason .💐

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 22:32

Thank you all for your replies. I hate it when people don’t update these sorts of threads so here it is:

DPs have a property abroad that they used to rent out and that we’d go to in the summer holidays when we were younger. DF told me on Monday that they were starting the process to sell it as it was becoming a financial burden and too difficult for them to manage as they’re getting older. They’re planning to use the money to help cover their mortgage so that DF can take a step back at work which makes total sense given his health. DF also told my DB on Monday before I’d arrived. It was spoken about in passing, as part of general chit chat. DM was speaking to a family friend at the time of the conversation.

Essentially, as DM wasn’t part of that conversation, she wanted us to all speak about it together. Her reasoning was in case we had left anything there that we wanted bringing back or if we felt upset they were selling it. Honestly, I think she was put out that DF told us without her. I asked why she had been so mysterious when we asked what the call was about and she said ‘to respect where everybody was’ which I didn’t really understand. I said I’d spent the last three days worrying that it was health related and DB said the same. DM said she hadn’t realised our minds would go there, even though she was the one who’d said that nobody was dying. She seemed disappointed that neither of us were enthusiastic about the call once we knew what it was about, least of all DB who’d changed his plans.

I’ve not been to the property for some years and it’s been even longer for DB. The place actually holds a lot of traumatic childhood memories for us.

After she denied realising that the cliffhanger message would cause stress I grey rocked and she soon ended the call. The whole thing might not seem like such a big deal to most people but I’m feeling angry and upset and once again questioning how they have such an affect on my life even when I’ve put so many boundaries in place.

OP posts:
Sockmate123 · 06/04/2024 22:16

tara66 · 06/04/2024 18:11

Ask her if a trumpet will be sufficient for her announcement or will she need the full orchestra.

🤣🤣

Sockmate123 · 06/04/2024 22:15

I would be up the walls having to wait 3 days for this news, I wouldn't sleep thinking of all the potential scenarios!
Did you have the call this evening?

bloodyBorat · 06/04/2024 22:11

I feel your pain, love my mum but she does something similar. She'll text me saying she needs to speak to me, urgently, something that can't be discussed over text and please call ASAP. Then she doesn't answer the phone for ages while I frantically call, and many times it has been something quite serious.

Every time I ask her to please not send me a message like that unless she's in a position to actually answer the phone (I always call promptly) and she always says oooh, sorry, I didn't realise that message would alarm you so much. It drives me bats, and she is in every other way a very reasonable person.

I completely understand why you're worried OP, I hope it isn't actually anything serious 😣

Itsalwayssomething · 06/04/2024 21:11

any update op? Hope all ok

Irishmama100 · 06/04/2024 19:51

My FIL did this to DH and his brother years ago. We all wondered and stressed what the family meeting was about. Went through the same thought process as you, someone sick/dying etc.
Well he gave them a lot of money that night as an investment policy had matured.
Maybe it will be something lovely like that 🙏🎉

dothehokeycokey · 06/04/2024 19:42

God I have a mother like this Confused

I've never known anyone create so much drama at times.

She does exactly the same.
Makes a macabre phone call saying she needs to speak to us and arranges a time and then when you get to it it's something totally irrelevant to anyone other than them

It drives me absolutely nuts.

I tell her off for it but it never seems to change.

The last time was oh do the Hokey Cokey we really need to speak to you about something and can you come over.

I get there and say everything alright and she says not really and then tells us she's been for a scan on her good hip and it might not be so good and might need a replacement but they're going to scan again in 12 months and go from there.
Bear in mind there's absolutely no pain from this hip at all.

And yet when my grandad passed away she text me to let me know

My mum likes things to be about her and over the years I've set boundaries to avoid the drama around my dc as we are also no drama in our home.

My sister is equally like my mother and you can feel the electrical toxic feeling of drama and negativity in the air when your in a room with them both together.

Anyway op I hope it's not really bad news now we've all said our bit

Bakersdozens · 06/04/2024 18:53

I hope it is something simple op x

Riapia · 06/04/2024 18:49

Your DM probably has very little drama in life.
She’s going to make the most of any opportunity however trivial.

Fireangels · 06/04/2024 18:43

LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 15:01

@Grumpynan They’re hopefully still a way off supported living. When DF had a check a couple of months ago all was fine and as far as I know he’s had no scheduled appointments since then.

Could they be thinking about making their wills?
But I agree - this secrecy is unnecessary and causing you worry whatever it’s about. I hope everything is ok.

blueandwhitesquares · 06/04/2024 18:37

Good luck

Fromage · 06/04/2024 18:34

tara66 · 06/04/2024 18:11

Ask her if a trumpet will be sufficient for her announcement or will she need the full orchestra.

Quite.

If she's said no one is dying, I would take that as it being nothing urgent or upsetting but it's drama llama-y to leave you on a cliffhanger. Did she end the call with the Eastenders dff dffs?

She could have said 'I just want to chat about our wills' or 'it's about the new colour scheme for the downstairs loo' or 'can you have a think about what would be a good tattoo for me to get.'

Wotchaz · 06/04/2024 18:33

This would definitely irritate me too, I can’t stand guessing games or people just not being straightforward. I’d definitely be more annoyed than anxious, but maybe that’s a reflection on my family dynamic!

IncessantNameChanger · 06/04/2024 18:31

Hopefully it's nothing too bad or it wouldn't have been able to wait.

MorgansNewHairCut · 06/04/2024 18:31

LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 14:56

@Viviennemary This is what DH suggested. He says it’s attention seeking and I should refuse to play along but I’m not sure if it is attention seeking or just thoughtless.

I agree with your husband. It’s attention seeking.

I’d probably go out and pretend I forgot about the call. 😅

mondaytosunday · 06/04/2024 18:24

I think if it's bad/good/whatever news why the heck couldn't she do it there and then? 'Going to bed' seems pretty trivial excuse.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/04/2024 18:17

Spirallingdownwards · 06/04/2024 15:08

There was no suggestion of any bad news though. Just wanted a family discussion. Could be anything.

Show quote history

Honestly, if it isn't bad news she should have said so clearly to prevent them worrying.

tara66 · 06/04/2024 18:11

Ask her if a trumpet will be sufficient for her announcement or will she need the full orchestra.

Original poster
LetMeInYourWindowohohohoh · 06/04/2024 16:20

@fieldsofbutterflies I really hope you’re right. As frustrating as it will be to have spent days worrying, and as annoyed DB will likely be at having changed his plans, I’d rather it was something minor.

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