SIL got me a Christmas present - DH knew I didn't want it - Still annoying me 5 years later.

This is a brilliant post, thank you ❤️

Bizarre that an adult can act like this over a few photos. Make one.Quite frankly your marriage won't last if something so simple and not even from bad intentions bugs you and still bugs you all this time later

You don't think that maybe a wedding album was the least of his worries at that point?

This is very sad. You seem to have real beef with your husband - I wonder how he might tell this story. I suspect somewhat differently. He clearly said something clumsy in a heated conversation which you have chosen to hold onto for years, but it appears there's an absence of empathy from you towards him and your sister-in-law. You acknowledge her creating the album was a thoughtful act (after a raft of posters tell you so) but you still say of her kind act, dismissively: 'She wants to show a friend how they can be done or something.' And then furious you shove her album in the back of the cupboard. The language you use about your husband is negative and one-sided. It's very sad. Furthermore you say your husband was ashamed that you were in hospital (which was why he didn't tell certain people you were there.) Might it be that he wanted the mental health of his new wife to be a private matter and not gossiped about in his family (I suspect my son would close ranks around his wife not because he was ashamed but because he wanted to protect her.) Could it be that your husband was trying to protect you from questions and any awkwardness? You paint a picture of being wronged but I can't help thinking that there's more to your telling of this story than meets the eye. In the words of our late Queen I wonder if 'recollections may vary.'

That's not turning the knife. It's doing what most of the oblivious idiots on here have not done, and recognising the OP's distress, and her perfectly valid reason for it. Can we please stop gaslighting the OP. This is what it is about, not the bloody photos.

You're right it's just a book but it's not really about the book anyway is it! It's the fact that he chose to hurt your feelings rather than his sister's, and at a time when you were mentally unwell.

wow, talk about turning the knife.

Op did your husband maybe not understand how significant this was to you. It’s been five years and yours still crying over it and wishing to discuss it with him and others. At its core it was a nice thing to do, and I’m confident no one wanted to hurt you. I’m also confident that if your husband knew how deeply this would hurt you , that five years later it would still be an issue , he would have told her no. Is it possible he misjudged?

also to your point, he doesn’t like to talk about uncomfortable things, in this. Situation has it not already been talked about, a lot, over the years? Is it maybe understandable he is now defensive? That he can’t keep going over it?

I doubt anyone was being malicious here, it was an error of judgement on your husbands part, and your sil tried ro do a nice thing. Do you think maybe there is a way for you to accept that?

You're right it's just a book but it's not really about the book anyway is it! It's the fact that he chose to hurt your feelings rather than his sister's, and at a time when you were mentally unwell.

I don't blame you for dropping it because he's always going to be defensive and dismissive about it.

I'm glad to hear you feel better about it today. Perhaps you could consider what you might do to prevent the book from bringing those awful feelings of being hurt back. Would destroying it help? Making another one yourself? Do whatever you need to do.

Did you miss the bit where it was the SILS Xmas present to OP, and she had specifically asked for her not to do it?

This. Is the album also the photos of the wedding the dh was in? So the sil was making an album of her brother's wedding? Or is this a typical mn thing where only the brides opinion matters? Yes absolutely nothing wrong in saying 'not for my gift' but you can't stop her making something for her brother about his wedding too.

When we got married, I said the most important thing was a professional photographer as I have severe skin issues and wanted to look good no matter how bad my skin was.

Due to covid, I was persuaded to let extended family of my DH do it. They made an album as a wedding gift. They meant well but it was tacky, had all the worst shots and my family's names were spelt wrong. I cried every time I looked at it (after having pretended in front of them it was fine).

After visiting someone who had their wedding album out after many years and it still looked great - I cried again and insisted in spending £150 to make my own album using all the photos I liked. We've not told his family but the awful one is in the attic and the new one is on a shelf. I felt so much lighter for doing it - best £150 I've spent. Do it!

Unless this happened at least a decade ago I’d assume those photos were digital copies and not printed so nothing to stop them being used again,

the op was seriously Ill and emotionally vulnerable and needed to come absolutely first at the time. She gave her dh specific instructions about one issue

her dh was ashamed she was Ill and specifically chose his sister feelings over his wife on the specific issue.

op has a history of abuse, and the one person she trusted when most vulnerable chose not to support her. He seriously fucked up.

the book is a trigger but ultimately I think you need to take dh to counselling with you so he understands that what he did, how he behaved exacerbated feelings for you op. You are worth loving op, this isn’t your fault

Some people on this site are really stupid. The OP's husband said he knew someone was going to be hurt, so he decided to hurt his wife. He chose to that at a time when his wife was vulnerable so as not to maybe upset his sister but the OP is being ridiculous?

Sorry that happened to you OP. If that happened to me, I don't think I could move past it either, good mental health or not.

He didn't prioritise your feelings and that's letting you down. In order to move on when we feel let down we often need an acknowledgement and some kind of apology of what has been broken. Ultimately you trusted him to say no to her and he didn't. Sometimes feelings left unresolved get re-triggered and we suddenly feel betrayed or let down again when the situation was in the past. If he isn't still letting you down, I'd look to forgive him.

So SIL has done one, but you now won't/haven't done your own. You are ridiculous. Either do your own or stop moaning.

And yes I would burn it !

YANBU.

I feel really angry on your behalf .

You asked him to do advocate for you when you were at your most vulnerable in a MH hospital. You wanted to have a bit of control over something which is very personal to you .

He let you down ... he could not be your voice and protect something for you to do .

He is a weak man who is willing to push you under the bus in order to put other peoples feelings ahead of yours.

Personally I would bring this up with him . Tell him every time you see that book it serves as a reminder of him not advocating for you when you were most vulnerable.

I would then personally dispose of the book ... and make your own as a way of repairing the rupture .

I think it was possibly the 'dishes by the sink' moment for the OP.

@thereutrnofthegift my exh did the same sort of shit, prioritised everyone's feelings over mine, never made me feel relevant or important to him. It was awful and I really feel for you

Worse things like what the OP posted about her being abandoned as a baby by her parents, surviving physical, emotional and sexual abuse as she grew up, those sort of worse things? You're right, you can't understand it.

Op didn't say it was her fault. She's mad at him.

The thing is, the book was made, nothing can change that, and there's nothing to indicate that it came from a place of anything other than kindness from sil or indeed from dh.

OP can't help how she feels now, but she can control whether she chooses to let it stay a deal between her and her husband, or whether she chooses to move on from it.

'Get a grip' doesn't sound as if it was meant unkindly to me. Maybe giving it back to the sister in law as she's asked for it, might be a way of letting it go? Could just stick it in the loft when she returns it.

Maybe choosing a couple of nice pics with husband and getting them framed together is a way to take back a bit of control, a bit of a 'grip' on it all, as it were?

Op,is there any relationship between why you were hospitalised and what you’re feeling now , crying about the book, in terms of your mental health? Is something else going on? I wonder if your current state is maybe a symptom of something bigger going on?

Honestly, some of the responses on here! We're awash with messages that people struggling with their mental health should talk to people, I can see why they don't!

It's not about the album, or the kindness of the SiL, it's how, at a vulnerable time, OP's husband, in his words, had to choose someone's feelings to hurt and chose hers! The mention of the album is just the trigger that has dredged all those feelings up again. I can understand why you are upset, OP, and hope you can work through it. There are nuggets of good advice here amongst the "just get over it"s.