To say absolutely no way

You were out of your depth OP, and returning their dc on the night of the sleepover is really bad form.

You could have referred to what happened - we cant have another sleep over because people did not listen to the rules - rather than making the statement about good boy etc etc.

By telling your son he was a "good boy" last time, you were saying her kids were bad. How did you expect her to react to that?

Hmmm I'm not sure you were the most tactful. I'd have probably said something on the lines of "we tried but unfortunately I think we may not all be ready to have sleepovers yet which is ok. However I'd love to try again in the future some time but just not yet".

Well he wasn't perfect was he? Up until the middle of that story he was also screaming and banging etc.
Ok hers were worse but I wouldn't stand in front of two kids and do the whole "it's a no because they're so awful and I just can't cope with such awful children, unlike you who are perfect!"

The tactful thing would be to suggest Emma hosts this time, or that it's a no until they're older because they all got over excited last time

Ohhhhhhh I think I get why you said about DS being a good boy now, you threatened him with no more sleepovers if he didn't calm down and then he calmed down - so you felt you had to explain why you weren't following through to him.

I would have wanted to explain that too, because its important to me that I follow through for my kids, but Emma didn't have that context and so what you said definitely implied her kids were the only problem and ergo she's a shit mum! You needed to explain things to DS later

You didn't have to be smug about it because let's face it anyway, your kid was not a 'good boy'.

They're clearly too young for a sleepover and you're clearly a bit too inexperienced yet to handle it, as you should've contacted their mum waaaaay before 11pm.

'My own kid did nothing wrong as he's a good boy' equals 'you are a shite parent and I'm the local genius'.
The kids were all fecking about together, you can just say it was chaos without painting your kid as christ incarnate when they clearly have an equal part to play.

Your tact skills were lacking.

A "not tonight, maybe another time" would have sufficed.

YABU in the way you said it. YANBU in refusing, at least you didn't say they could when hell freezes over it could of been worse.

You could have just said not today darling and then spoke about reasons why later; absolutely no need to say it in front of them / their mum.

You should have said, “Maybe when you’re all a little older” and left it at that. It was unnecessary to slag off Emma’s DC in front of her.

You could have just kept schtum. Slightly optimistic to have them both over, try just the oldest if there’s another time, although Emma sounds horrified, so 8 doubt you’ll remain friends.

YANBU to tell her. But YABU to expect her not to mind! Only tell someone this kind of thing if you don't care about the friendship being affected.

I think I would have just said something like ‘ooh no it didn’t end well last time did it? Maybe when you’re all a bit bigger’
No need to slag off her kids in front of her

I would maybe send a text saying sorry for how you came across and that it was just a stressful situation that you’d rather not put yourself through again and maybe you could try again once all children are a little older.

Of course YABU. How did you think she'd feel?

There was no need to word it like that. And your DS was also being a PITA from the sounds of it, he just fell asleep sooner. You were twisting the knife and putting it all on her kids.

Definitely don't have them sleep over as it sounds bad like a nightmare but I think you need to apologise to your friend as you have upset them.

What was wrong with just saying no, why the need to play 'my child was a saint' card

It was the “and you were a good boy” after you’d stated your DS hadn’t listened to you repeatedly and didn’t settle down until late in the night either. Your DS was not good, neither were the other child but you did come across as extremely judgemental while turning a blind eye to your own child’s misbehaviour.

Unfortunately op, I think this is really all on you. A sleepover is a LOT for some children to handle especially at 3 years old. And it's sounding from your post like you were expecting the 3, 7 and 8 yo to sleep in together and all go to bed? It sounds like you had totally unrealistic expectations of what the night would be like and it sounds like you have essentially rubbed salt in the wound by telling your son how he was a "good boy" in front of Emma's children essentially criticising and singling them out in front of them and her. It was tactless and probably upsetting for her children. There were other ways you could have dealt with that. A child who's over excited and probably overstimulated at a sleepover and who misbehaves, isn't a bad child. And you inferred that they were bad children through what you said to your son. Your lack of realistic expectation for young children and your inability to manage all the kids effectively doesn't create good or bad children. If I was Emma I'd be pissed off at the way you spoke about them too.

YANBU to say no to another sleepover. It sounded like it was hell, but they were probably too young.

YABU for how you handled the discussion. You neglected to acknowledge that your DS had misbehaved until he was warned about no more sleepovers, and then he went to sleep. So, no, he wasn't a good boy, was he?

You should have just said that you don't want to host any more sleepovers at that time and in a discussion with Emma, you could have suggested maybe they were all still too young for them and when they were a little older-you'd try again.

That would have got the result of no more sleepover and not resulted in upsetting Emma. As it is, you've painted her children as feral demons and yours as perfect angels and I think you know how that would have made her feel.

I think you could have been a bit more diplomatic than that and say, "the sleepover didn't go very well last time," or something like that.

You did nothing wrong. People shouldn't have to constantly overthink everything they say in case it might offend someone.

God you were rude, verging on nasty

3 is too young for a sleepover. Why on earth didn't you just invite DS friend if you wanted him to have a bit of a treat. You must have known the 3 year old would be a handful staying away from home overnight, he sounds like he was just completely overstimulated.

Even at 8 when dd had sleepovers I'd brace myself for little sleep as they would get excited and take a good while to settle down.

There was absolutely no need to speak to your ds like that about her children. Just a 'not tonight' would have sufficed, especially when you have already told her they misbehaved.

I would have done the same as you. In fact I would have said it ages ago. Emptying a flower pot! Knocking a picture off the wall! I wouldn’t have them back in the house.