Should mum pay for the granny annexe?

I arranged for dm to have carers three times a day, and I helped out when I did a full day weekly visit to help with any financials, gardening shopping et al.
I couldn't have had her live with me and my family, too much commitment and we weren't very close anyway.

Please look into the Council Tax issues, you don't want to have to end up paying two lots, as some even charge double for empty properties.

Also think if it's worth the hassle (building work), a bedroom and ensuite is great, can she not just share your kitchen? Do you have a spare reception room that she could use as her own sitting room?

Just really think carefully about all of the options.

@MooMa83 we used the solicitor that dealt with our house purchase, but did have to wait for someone more senior to handle it. It cost around £650.

Notreat it may be OP's idea but the fact her DM would go through with it....not what I would do to my adult DC.

Is the question of paying mostly to do with the principle, or is there also a cash flow issue (that is, paying for the conversion/addition work will impact your daily finances)?

Also, is there an alternative where your Mum sells her house and buys a flat in the same town as you? That way you can help her out but she's not "around" all day. (Realistically, once she moves into the granny annexe she isn't going to be going back to her house, so you will need a plan for that anyway, and she might prefer to sell it rather than leave it empty or rent it out.)

If she is fully compos mentis then she should probably be at the heart of all of these discussions. I hope when my time comes that DCs will not be planning what they think is best for me without considering all the possible scenarios and discussing them with me, although of course it can be hard to convince people that they are in decline.

PS: If you do go for the separate flat option, be careful about buying one in a "retirement flats" building. We did that with DM and it was not great, because the management of such a building has little incentive to provide good value for money for the monthly charges as the residents are unlikely to get very militant. About all DM ended up with as a benefit of that building was emergency pull cords, but otherwise she was basically getting ripped off on the charges.

@CinnamonJellyBeans , my DM was in an excellent dementia-only care home for nearly 8 years. IMO it was largely down to the excellent care she received that she went on to 97, though to be honest a swifter and end would have been more merciful - her former self would have been appalled at the unavoidable indignities of late-stage dementia.

It was by no means the most expensive care home, either.

We did this, it was very easy with a solicitor. They paid for the building work, the house in its entirety belongs to me, but if I asked them to leave the money spent would have to be paid back. There's a lot of finer detail, but the solicitors were very good, and not too expensive.

I asked them to reduce my share in their will, my brother was adamant that shouldn't happen as I'm taking the responsibility for them. Additionally they were able to buy two small rental apartments with the remainder of their house sale which will appreciate in value. So I don't actually know where that got left.

Lots of experience on here about taking good legal advice. A family meeting is called for...siblings, mum and DH.
So all cards are on the table then take the outcome of that discussion to a family solicitor.
Get everything in writing so in future the arrangements don't cause a family fracture. Get signatures.

If poss I'd make space for an overnight carer in the extension.
Or if you're not concerned about deprivation of assets and she has sufficient funds, she could pay for the extension and give your siblings a similar amount.

Lots of options but needs legally to be tied up tightly. I'd do it in a heartbeat but then I've nursing experience.

Always plan forward for possible eventualities.

If your mum pays, and she needs care, you may need to repay that money under deprivation of assets. Can you afford to?

if she does need care, and the rest of the money is spent, how do you think your siblings will feel if you’ve effectively had a significant inheritance and they haven’t?

If your mum pays for what is essentially an improvement to your home, and later might need 24/7 residential care, her share would be seen as ‘deprivation of assets’ - the council won’t care that it was done with the best of intentions

Intent is important here. DM would be using her money to fund somewhere for her to live that suits her needs now. It's not like she's paying for a conservatory to be added to her DD's house or a gaming room in the basement.

My df lives with us (me and dh) in an annexe.
There's often tension between dh and df.

There have been times when I've wanted to leave my marriage but I've had to stay because of df. I've felt trapped and unable to move on with my life as I'd like to and I'm sure dh has felt the same.

Hindsight and all that, but I wouldn't do it knowing what I know now.

Is there room in the garage conversion for a small kitchen pod in one corner so your mum can make drinks and light meals? It would speed up the whole process and mean she could get the best of you company now rather than at the end of a potentially stressful process.

I'd be wary of adding kitchen facilities without the advice of an architect that knows the H&S regs - for the sake of DM, your family and selling it on. Presumably you could use the architect that worked on the original garage convrsion?

is there a 50 or 60+ sheltered living complex near you where she'd be supported, but you (and siblings) able to visit frequently.
Might be preferable to the granny annex, and no combined financial implications.

No!

@CinnamonJellyBeans does your husband have parents he may need to care for too?

I’d pay for it and you charge her rent. I think that’s the best way to make it work.

@crumblingschools If she develops dementia, that's a good reason to keep her with me until it's absolutely impossible. DD1 worked in a dementia care home setting and the stories she came home with were vile. Absolutely vile.

I don't even like my mum very much, but she's my responsibilty now. I know that looking after elderly parents is a mammoth task. I know may need to change my mind if this becomes absolutely impossible, but I have decided that she will not go into a home. Husband supports me on this.

@CinnamonJellyBeans does your mum have a day in this? If she develops dementia do you know how to cope? If you are full time carer how will you afford it? If she needs care 24/7 how will you cope?

I'm considering this for the future myself for my own mum. If she wants to come live with me, I will have to become her full time carer, as I am determined not to let her die in a care home.

I will be expecting her to pay the vast majority of it. The extra value on my home once she dies can pay for me being the only sibling who actually does anything for her.

If your mum pays for what is essentially an improvement to your home, and later might need 24/7 residential care, her share would be seen as ‘deprivation of assets’ - the council won’t care that it was done with the best of intentions.

Though of course, if there was still enough cash for her to self-fund, the question would not arise.

Having said that, just a word of warning - I’ve heard of cases where an annexe has worked very well - until dementia has reared its dreaded head - when it has turned into something of a nightmare. Unless anyone has lived with it, it’s rare for them to understand just how hard and exhausting caring for someone with dementia can be.

@Molonty not everyone can afford to not have some monetary contribution

@OlgaRhythm I remember a thread on here where a poster was left with MIL living with them after the poster’s partner died. The MIL’s health deteriorated. They had another adult DC but they didn’t want anything to do with ailing mum. MIL ended up in a care home but it was horrendously stressful and difficult to sort out as MIL didn’t want to leave

We have my parent living with us, however we each sold our individual properties to buy a house with an existing annexe for them. The proportion of money the parent paid is ring-fenced and should for whatever reason the property be sold they would realise the same proportion back. As the annexe has its own front door and kitchen and bathroom it has a separate council tax bill, but at a 50% reduction. So far, 1.5 years later, the arrangement is working well. Hopefully, this situation will continue. Parent is in relatively good health but we are all fully aware that this may change. However, said parent is providing a substantial amount of childcare for us at the moment and we are fully prepared to reciprocate as fully as we can should the need arise. But we got full legal advice before we came to this arrangement and would advise that you do too. You definately need to understand deprivation of assets and also have a plan in place for what would happen should your property need to sold (marriage break down, spousal death, your death etc. Gloomy but not impossible).

You're getting a little ahead of yourself. She might not actually want to move.

I think you need to establish that before working out the finer details.