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AIBU?

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Original poster

“Angling for help” parental sharing of nightfeeds

60 replies

Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 04:05

I’m pissed right now. Before bedtime, when cuddling our 5 month old I jokingly said “And it would be nice if you give mummy some sleep tonight”.
As we got into bed, I said to my husband “She’s not given me much chance for a good night sleep recently” about our daughter.

This was met with my husband responding “I get the message” and when I asked what he meant he replied “You’ve been angling for it, just say you want me to do a night with her”. His tone was very moody.

For context, I’m on MAT leave and my husband works full time. Normally we both work full time and earn well to contribute towards our living. I do all of the housework and have the children at the minute (3yo and baby). He often works late and weekends (over his contracted hours) which I support him to do.

I told him to shove his “help” if that’s how he’s going to respond to me expressing that I’m tired. It’s really upset me to say I’m “angling for help” rather than just WANT to help out. I didn’t even want him to do the night, I wanted to just express my feelings to my husband and it was met with him sounding irritated rather than supportive.

He has since asked me if he can take our daughter downstairs for the night….I’ve said no. I don’t want his help if he thinks I’m nagging for it and responds acting frustrated to me expressing my feelings. He’s got angry that I’ve rejected his help.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hellsBells246 · 06/04/2024 08:47

ThisNiftyMintCat · 06/04/2024 05:43

You have a baby - you will both get tired and frustrated. Apologise and take a night off.

Why should OP apologise?

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 08:36

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:21

Which is more likely - the OP has randomly hit the bottle in the small hours of the morning when she's got an unsettled 5 month old and a toddler then typed out a perfectly legible post in her drunken state, OR...she means pissed off. Do you really need to ask?!

I think you could have a discussion about him cutting back on the weekend working so you can have more of a break then. Also, he said he'd take the baby so yes, I would've let him take the baby!

Show quote history

Of course I didn't need to ask!
Would my point be more obvious to you if the question was phrased as;
'Why are you using a term which generally means something different in the UK than it does in America, and which can change the context of a sentence if used incorrectly?'

Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 08:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wow. That’s a very sweeping statement to “learn to communicate” considering:

  1. Don’t know me personally
  2. Have made an assumption from 1 incident where we were both tired and sleep deprived.

Others have communicated in a much kinder and empathetic way on here. Maybe you could take something from that rather than be so nasty.

OP posts:
SpongeBob2022 · 06/04/2024 08:13

I agree there is usually something to be learned when these things happen. Possibly your communication could have been interpreted as passive aggression...in the context of both of you going through a stressful time and being knackered.

BUT you imply in your post (don't directly say) that he doesn't do anything overnight and you do it all. If this is the case then the above is a red herring. He should be doing his share. It's not 'doing you a favour' or 'helping'. IMO sleep deprivation is worse than any full time job.

ETA any woman who is doing it all while a partner gets a normal nights sleep deserves better than this and I wish people in this situation would see this.

Whitewatergrafting · 06/04/2024 08:02

He has a point though just come out and ask him. No, tell him.

Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 08:01

supertatos · 06/04/2024 07:49

It's hard to tell from your post but my husband sometimes does something a little like this (though with other things). These bits potentially were "angling", like a "hint hint"

And it would be nice if you give mummy some sleep tonight”.
As we got into bed, I said to my husband “She’s not given me much chance for a good night sleep recently” about our daughter.

It annoys me when my husband does this as I prefer straightforward communication and don't like hints. They seem manipulative somehow. I much prefer when my DH says eg. I need some sleep as I haven't had much can I have the lie in tomorrow. (We take it in turns).

Thanks for your honest reply.

When I’ve reflected this morning I’ve realised that although I wasn’t asking for help with the baby - I was looking for was a bit of recognition/reassurance and I should have just asked for this at the time.

OP posts:
AgileMentor · 06/04/2024 08:01

Communication is key. If you want him to do a night ask him.

Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 07:57

WhereIsMyLight · 06/04/2024 06:06

The comments do sound passive aggressive and I would get pissed off with my husband making passive aggressive remarks rather than asking. You then cut your nose off to spite your face, he offered to take the baby downstairs so you could sleep and you said no.

I don’t think YABU but I think you’re tired and easily irritated (you both are). Talk to your husband today. Explain you didn’t mean it to be passive aggressive, you can see how it can be taken that way. You really are tired and would like it if he could take the baby tonight.

The bigger thing is wanting him to help. I don’t see it as helping because that it implies it’s still your job and he’s helping you. Housework and childcare should just be shared. It’s hard when you’re on mat leave, did the housework and childcare even out when you went back to work the first time? If this is a constant sore spot in your lives, then your comments are definitely passive aggressive but he needs to start doing his share of the work.

Edited

Thank you for this. It’s really helped.
Reflecting back on last night, at the time I genuinely didn’t say those comments directly at my husband…but by looking at the comments I can see here I understand that for him it sounded like I was “angling”.

I think my response was due to the fact I very rare ask for help… as I take responsibility for my part in our marriage (being the house and kids). The angling comment cut me as I never like to ask for help.
Sleep deprivation mixed with frustration is never a good combination.

i will speak with my husband today.

OP posts:
supertatos · 06/04/2024 07:49

It's hard to tell from your post but my husband sometimes does something a little like this (though with other things). These bits potentially were "angling", like a "hint hint"

And it would be nice if you give mummy some sleep tonight”.
As we got into bed, I said to my husband “She’s not given me much chance for a good night sleep recently” about our daughter.

It annoys me when my husband does this as I prefer straightforward communication and don't like hints. They seem manipulative somehow. I much prefer when my DH says eg. I need some sleep as I haven't had much can I have the lie in tomorrow. (We take it in turns).

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 07:47

Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 07:36

Pissed off. I would never drink when I have a child to look after.

Show quote history

Yes, I know. See later explanation

Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 07:45

Louoby · 06/04/2024 05:52

I feel your frustration!! I had a baby in 2020 and my partner didn't once get up, even though I asked and asked. He just didn't. I did it all. Found out was pregnant when baby was 7 months old, so I then have a 16 month age gap and when my younger baby arrived, he still don't get up. Not only was I up multiple times feeding baby, my 17 month old also needed someone in the night regularly, and also woke at 5am.
So at this point, I'm in and out of bed like a yo-yo and then up at 5 with my toddler. I will never forget or forgive him for how he didn't help. For context, he worked and I was on mat leave but one early morning was all I needed. I went back to work when our youngest was 8 months old. He used to say he couldn't get up all night or early when he was working as it would make him too tired so I hoped when I went back to work, we would share it as obviously I was working too. I went back 4 full days. He still never once helped. I often went to work with around 2 hours sleep a night. No matter what I said, the arguments we had, he wouldn't do it. Like I said... it will never be forgotten 😏
If he's offering, take it. Let him be moody and at least he may appreciate what it's like being woken up hourly etc x

This sounds very similar to me and I feel your frustration too.
I managed to get some sleep last night and reflect a little and I will speak to him - I think at the time it just felt very personal when we should both be a team.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 07:37

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:24

I guess OP might have been on a night out but seems unlikely in the context of what she's said.

Absolutely not. I meant pissed off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 07:36

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 07:00

Pissed or pissed off? Makes a difference to the story

Pissed off. I would never drink when I have a child to look after.

OP posts:
Sunnnybunny72 · 06/04/2024 07:34

Hand her over.

Universalsnail · 06/04/2024 07:34

He is unreasonable for not helping with nights as standard. You both bad a baby.

You are unreasonable for not not just telling him he has to do a feed each night and say you'll do it yourself when he's saying he'll take baby downstairs for the night.

crumblingschools · 06/04/2024 07:29

Just remember it is parenting not helping, you are both parents.

DappledThings · 06/04/2024 07:26

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:24

I guess OP might have been on a night out but seems unlikely in the context of what she's said.

Indeed, but it's always nice to have clear language and not swap a UK phrase for a US one when the US already has a different meaning in the UK.

RedHelenB · 06/04/2024 07:25

PoppingTomorrow · 06/04/2024 04:14

I think you've cut your nose off to spite your face

This.

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:24

I guess OP might have been on a night out but seems unlikely in the context of what she's said.

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:21

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 07:00

Pissed or pissed off? Makes a difference to the story

Which is more likely - the OP has randomly hit the bottle in the small hours of the morning when she's got an unsettled 5 month old and a toddler then typed out a perfectly legible post in her drunken state, OR...she means pissed off. Do you really need to ask?!

I think you could have a discussion about him cutting back on the weekend working so you can have more of a break then. Also, he said he'd take the baby so yes, I would've let him take the baby!

Sunnydays0101 · 06/04/2024 07:17

I’d be having a chat with him and say you’re sorry for ‘angling’ but here it is in plain and simple language. Things need to change, I expect you to take care of some of the night wakings and just as importantly, I expect you to do your share of the housework.

DiamondArtists · 06/04/2024 07:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DappledThings · 06/04/2024 07:11

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 07:00

Pissed or pissed off? Makes a difference to the story

This.

And I do think you're overreacting. Being passive aggressive in the way you were is never going to be helpful. Yes he should want to help and if he doesn't know the best way to should ask but don't set up an argument.

KatieKat88 · 06/04/2024 07:08

CrispieCake · 06/04/2024 06:56

I would tell him that, yes, you would like him to do some parenting since he's a parent too and you haven't suddenly managed to invent a way to get by without sleep. And it would be nice if he managed to warm his brain cell up enough to realise this without you pointing it out to him.

And you're sorry if your comments to your baby were construed as being passive-aggressive digs at him, but surely they were better than shouting in his face, "get up, you lazy sod, and fucking do something for your kids for once."

All of this - he should be intelligent enough to know that you both need sleep so he should be pulling his weight in the night all of the time, not just when you've reached breaking point.

Cat2024 · 06/04/2024 07:05

@Louoby i would find that hard to forgive and forget too. He sounds like a man child.

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