To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

l think you are always without exception happier alone than in a relationship unless that relationship actively enhances your life.

The enhancement might be half the bills and mortgage paid though.

Was just talking to my mum about his today. She’s coming up to 50 years married, as are my aunties & most of her friends. We were talking about the pros & cons of divorce. My marriage almost collapsed last year… But we’re still here. Another cousin weathered a similar marital crisis, and another did split up (having a child with OW now). So, yeah… I don’t know!

But the OP will still be in seething resentment about her DP being a 'Disney dad' so she will just swap one resentment for another.

I’m sorry I couldn’t disagree more with this. I think you are always without exception happier alone than in a relationship unless that relationship actively enhances your life.

I know there are other considerations and I don’t want to minimise the difficulties of separation but for me there is no upside whatsoever to being with a man unless he’s wonderful.

Cohabiting is fucking awful unless you really love each other. Even if you do it’s hard work and not worth it. Men are generally awful to live with, even the “progressive” ones. Women can’t really be properly themselves if they’re in a marriage. Kidd learn that a shit relationship is all they have to aspire to. Just awful.

Divorce is the best thing I have ever done. Don’t waste your life living in seething resentment of someone else.

There's a huge range between being hunky dory happy, and fighting at all times. The atmosphere in a house where parents don't get on can be stifling.

However I mostly agree with you OP. In the olden days it was more difficult to break up a marriage, so people stayed in relationships they weren't overly happy with. Ime the mythical happy shiny new relationship after the divorce isn't always forthcoming and quite a few people spend their lives alone. Is semi amicable companionship better than that?

My parents divorced after lots of mum taking him back nonsense. The aftermath was shit and my dad didn't give my mum a penny, never paid maintenance, so it was hard on everyone. I'm glad she walked because I saw a woman say, I'm worth more than this.

My own relationship is not perfect. It's not abusive but it's certainly not perfect. We have good days and bad ones. I totally see where OP is coming from.

My parents stayed together for years when they shouldnt have and it was hell! That is the reason I am leaving my current partner: I am not willing to put my kids through what I went through and I'd rather do it now when they're young enough for having parents living separately to be the norm. Kids pick up on your unhappiness and I constantly felt responsible for both my parent's happiness as a result - and that their unhappiness was ultimately my fault somehow.

I had this same question a couple of years ago. Kids still tiny, relationship was definitely more than a bit crap, but leaving would have been harder and crapper still for many many reasons. I've waited it out, and things have got easier and better, we're actually better now than we ever were. I think you've got to weigh it all up - it's not just about having a perfect relationship. There's so many other factors to consider.
Keep talking to each other, but never be afraid to leave if you have to.

I think the kind of situation you describe is what people would have previously called 'working on your marriage'. It's a bit of an old fashioned notion now but I think there is definitely some wisdom underlying it. Relationships will potentially not always be easy and almost all of the elderly people I know that have had long and predominantly happy marriages describe tough times where they didn't like each other very much. Often it was when there was a lot of stress put on the relationship due to having young children, financial issues or poor health. These are really testing things for individuals and even harder for couples to navigate together harmoniously.

I think it's a lot easier nowadays to pull the plug early on when someone isn't happy or getting what they want out of the relationship. I understand people talking about modelling healthy relationships but this could involve showing kids that real relationships do require some degree of perseverance, compromise and it isn't always sunshine and daisies all the time. They will perhaps grow to have more realistic view of what is required to make a relationship work and that there is no such thing as an ideal person. I'm not talking about abusive relationships or relationships in terminal decline but those that are a bit frazzled and imperfect.

One of my friends used to complain all the time that her parents were still together and kept saying everyone who knew them wondered why they hadn't split. It damaged her relationship with both of them in a way because, as she got older she couldn't completely respect them or staying in a situation that was less than ideal. There was no abuse and no massive rows either, but they were completely different people with little in common. One of them sadly died in their fifties and it just seemed a bit of a waste.

I also think this tendency of staying in mediocre relationships just perpetuates the dogma that being 'in a relationship' is the apex of human life that we must all aspire to, while being single is a disaster. This seems to lead to people, often young people with no children to consider, putting being with someone above all else in their lives, even when it seems pretty clear that they are settling for mediocrity. It's a shame and I do think society needs a bit of reset on it really.

Couple therapy ? If he can’t be arsed with that then you will have done everything you can

Oh another pro is that relationship with now ex is much better now we're not under each other's feet.

I personally think totally reasonable to say if it's tolerable for the kids

Sometimes sacrificing a family unit isn't worth it for your own happiness alone

Revisit leaving when they leave, people manage just fine with meh, it's fine for now

It worked for me, splitting up. I'm exhausted juggling working and ensuring I have time with DC, but also ex stepped up and does a lot, has DC 2 out of 3 weekends. Ex was always good with DC and at housework, though.

Pros: I get new partner, career, time to myself; much less stress and resentment, happy, calm home, much better mental health; DC has great bond with dad.

Cons: I have to work more, so don't get so much time with DC; ex gets the quality, fun time while I do school runs, homework, bed; DC plays computer games, doesn't wash and eats junk at dad's.

I don't think it's clearcut @Thecatisannoying

I think in many cases you are probably correct.

It's just that it's so hard to knpw.

you could leave hjm and be skint and stressed and muserable.

or yiu coyld leave him and gajn a newfound freedom and zest for life.

could you try just mentally leaving him and seeing how you get on? ie think and behave like a single mum, just put youself and kids first and dont spend any emotional energy on him?

he might see yiu thrivibg and up his game. or you might realise yiu want ti actuslly leave.

Haven’t rtft but my parents divorced due to the stress of bringing up children together. Bringing up children is stressful but is there hope for the future? Perhaps when the children are more independent and less overwhelming? DH found the early years really overwhelming (and coped by opting out of parenting as much as possible - I felt like a single parent most of the time) but as DC get older, our relationship has gradually been growing stronger again. I chose to stay when things weren’t great because of the impact divorce had on me as a child and beyond, and I couldn’t bear to spend time away from my children.

I left my marriage but only because it was abusive. If it had just been "miserable" think I'd have stayed. Losing the kids for half of the time was truly heartbreaking 💔

It's. not obvious that a crappy relationship is better than a divorce situation.

For one thing, divorces can often make people incredibly adversarial, and kids definitely do not benefit from both parents hating each other and bad mouthing them constantly.

They also often struggle in blended families.

Ime kids don't give a shit if parents are happy but they do care if they are. If parents are separated and have new partners and a blissfully happy but the new partner only just tolerates the kids then the kids are not happy.

Depends really. It's hard when the kids are little especially if you don't like the way he parents. I expect he isn't very happy either. It might get better when the kids are older but then again it might not. If you are truly unhappy then leave but you won't be able to control what he does when he has them.

My marriage was abusive but it’s not an easy road being single and doing it all alone. I’m worried about my future, I’m lonely and I feel sad when I’m away from my children. If exH wasn’t abusive I would take him back for sure.. I would rather be able to sleep at night than lying awake worrying

I’m with you OP. You also say you have young children. It’s inevitable your marriage will be a bit meh then I’d say ….

Maybe there’ll be better moments I. Your marriage? Maybe this is a lull?

All the people saying leave and be free . I’m not sure what sort of freedom being a single parent with 2 children, working and having to pay bills along in this day and age? I would struggle all the time on my own (time wise, money wise etc) and maybe my marriage is better than a bit meh but I think I do actually quite enjoy the companionship soemtimes 🤷‍♀️