To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

OP I agree with you. People always talk about not modeling bad relationships for kids, as if that's the only thing worth considering. There are many things to weigh up.

On the not talking thing - marriage/relationship guidance counselling can really help.

My ex is a Disney dad. He has 30 PC custody and doesn't like doing weekends much. Ds used to love it but he's bored now. Watching TV and eating shite gets boring.
He comes to me for comfort and tells me things.
If he's that lazy you won't have a fight on your hands re him wanting 50 percent and all that entails.

@Alittlebitwary What age were the kids when things started improving?

Easy for me to say as very happily married but if you’ve honestly tried everything to improve how you feel (therapy, advising DH of the potential consequences etc), I would leave.

My parents have been married for nearly 50 years and they never had regular massive arguments etc when we were growing up but it was strained and they also never expressed love to each other. The first time I noticed this was when I started staying at my best friends every weekend when I was 12 and her parents were MADLY in love (cuddling, snogging, such loving and respectful language, even split of house stuff) - what a difference it makes to the energy/vibes/joy levels in a household. I felt lighter going there, it was so great to see how happy adult relationships could/should be. Still feel quite sad for my parents re their meh marriage.

There are no guarantees either way, unfortunately. I do think if you act with compassion, as you have said, and as you no doubt will as that is clearly your priority, the children will be absolutely fine. If you've spoken to your H about how he feels and he isn't really responding, I think it's so sad to stay in a marriage like that for the sake of children who really do not need that responsibility and who have every chance of having a great relationship with both parents following a split.

No way I would stay in a crap relationship. Kids know. I would know. It’s no way to live. The only way I would stay is if I was broke & I would have a plan. It’s a cliche life is over so quickly. My child & me deserve a happy & content environment & I would be utterly depressed being trapped.

I would also be so very disappointed in myself for modelling a relationship where you are miserable or at least verging on it. I want to teach my DD high self-worth and financial security as it scares me so much her being stuck somewhere she doesn’t want to be.

Imagine looking back on this life & thinking you could’ve done so much better.

Ah, I know. Sorry if I came across rude/blunt. I'm just speaking from the perspective of a kid who's mum stayed for the sake of the kids. And in doing so, traumatized us hugely. Not quite the same situation, as my father was abusive, but I don't believe staying when you're not happy is a good thing. Just giving my own perspective,kids pick it all up imo.

So your main worry is that they will prefer their dad to you?

Depends if sex is involved/expected. I don't think I could bring myself to go through the motions of that with someone when really, I didn't truly love them (anymore?).

Also, children do see through 'Disney Dads' or just lazy dads eventually, ime. If they live with them in a marriage and the mum does all the compensating, that's a terrible message they're getting about gender roles. If they stay with them weekly following a divorce, they may love it at first, but they do see it for what it is as they get older. My dc are teens now and they do love their dad and see him regularly. But there have been plenty of occasions in recent years where they have shown they appreciate my input and see him as quite lazy. Eg insisting I do parents' evening even if it falls on his night and comments they've made. They can survive some lazy parenting, they really can.

I don't agree there tbh. Not arguing is not necessarily a great relationship. I really do believe kids pick up on it all. Sometimes it's just time to let it go. And try to find a decent way to co parent. I imagine it's best to do that while everything is still amicable. (again, imo, ime).

I think you sound like a really good person op who wants the best for everyone. You sound mature, pragmatic and sensible.

I don’t think there is always a “right” or “wrong” answer. Life is often what you make of it. The most successful people in life are often those that make the best of a crap or average situation.

One caveat: make sure you don’t lose yourself completely in this situation. Keep a corner of your life that is just for you. Also bear in mind that when the dc leave home you may want to consider striking out on your own, so plant little seeds towards that end should it arise.

Good luck. Most people think being brave is always leaving. But sometimes it can involve staying too. I think you are brave op 💐

I thought that, but now my daughter is 13, just taken her options and will be starting her GCSE's in Sept and I'd hate my self even more for disrupting her life now. Then I'll be making excuses because of her A-level's...

Trapped by finances and lifestyle choices I guess, whereas once she's an adult and not dependant on us, I don't think I'll care about my own standard of living.
A little bit of me hopes that our relationship will get better with time too, or my standards lower.
I think I enjoyed being single and living on my own too much, so I know how nice it can be. Cleaning up and it staying like it. Buying and cooking food you like rather than what people will eat.... ah, I loved my single days. No idea how I let my life slip into this humdrum existence. Maybe it's just growing up and getting older. I do spend a lot of my time thinking 'Is this it?'

OP, YANBU. I think lots of people settle for a life and relationship that's a bit meh because it's better than upsetting the apple cart.

@Thecatisannoying Apologies, I didn't mean to imply that money was the reason you are staying. I was just pointing out that in some cases the financial security is a big reason to stay.

Is your relationship one you can see improving? For example are you in the trenches of young kids, trying to organise everything without much support, and in a few years you'll have more freedom together? Or is it dead as a dodo with no chance of revival?

What impact would an "I want to end it" conversation have on him do you think?

I think if you’re genuinely not arguing in front of each other then maybe it is better for the kids to stay. I’m a child whose parents stayed together for the kids, and neither of thank them for that. They didn’t argue all the time, but when they did it was bad, and it’s impacted on both of us in regards to relationships as adults, especially me. The situation you describe doesn’t sound all that bad, one day of no boundaries etc, it’s fine. My colleague has an ex who has few rules and she said they prefer being with her who does have rules, screen time and healthy meals etc. You deserve to be happy too, don’t get to later in life and wonder why you didn’t do something about it when you were younger. Your choice though.

I agree with your OP.

And chances are he’d go and procreate again and then you’ve got a whole other problem in the mix.

It would take A LOT for me to divorce my husband because this is a much easier life.

I see couples on Tiktok etc (yes yes I know not all is how it seems) who are properly into each other and yes I feel sad I won’t have that but I’m not the type of woman anyone would ever be really into anyway so I’ll accept my mediocre lot in life and just make the best of it.

Amen to this. It's so awful to live in a dead marriage as a child. Really horrible.

Personally, I do think it's damaging to model the idea that any relationship is better than none

This is what it comes down to for me. This belief so many women’s lives. If you need a reason to leave him, this is it.

@Thecatisannoying I spoke to my friend about this a lot over the years - she describes it as an atmosphere. I think as children get older they do pick up on that kind of stuff. Younger ones, as someone else said up thread, probably don't pick up on as much and don't really care about their parents' happiness. But some, as they get older, do pick up on it and do care. I know my friend also felt responsible for her parents being unhappy as she assumed they had stayed together for the kids. Again, this was never said or spoken of, but she felt it and she didn't like feeling responsible.

Obviously, every situation is different and people react in different ways to similar circumstances, but this was her perspective.

Personally, I do think it's damaging to model the idea that any relationship is better than none. I think the long term consequences can be more damaging than people realise, but obviously a messy and acrimonious divorce, or one that results in poverty or near-poverty (they don't all - mine didn't and I'm not rich!) also have serious effects on the children.

@Sunquest

But the OP will still be in seething resentment about her DP being a 'Disney dad' so she will just swap one resentment for another.

Yeah but that will apply in any eventuality. At least if she divorces she won’t have to live with him.