To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

(NC for this)

I’m fond enough of DH and it’s reciprocated, but it’s familiarity that keeps us together and neither of us has any close family left.

We don’t have children (by mutual choice) and we rub along just fine most of the time, with occasional flashpoints, as happened today. Just . . . I’m disappointed in him. He has so much potential, but he has his rigid little confines that he won’t breach, and he can behave like a petulant child sometimes, as he struggles with emotional maturity.

Oh, he has his good points. He can be funny and witty and he’s otherwise a kind man, we pull our weight together and it’s a partnership, but we’ve settled with each other. We’re not right happy, but we’re not completely miserable either. I know one day I’ll leave him though.

@splashofcolour I left and only saw my children half of the time from very young ages. Financially it was incredibly challenging. Emotionally it was horrific.
But I met a man with no kids years later and am now happily remarried and not controlled so no regrets.

I agree with this too.

Also, on here when this topic is discussed people see it as so black and white - you’re either madly in love with an amazing relationship or screaming and shouting at each other 24/7 with the kids cowering in the corner. To me, most of these questions are asked about relationships that fall in the middle ground. The relationships that don’t set the world on fire but are someone to share the load with or someone to share company with in the evenings or whatever else. And those are the ones where it’s probably hardest to leave because even though you know there’s most likely better out there, is it worth the hassle?

@Newsenmum no, if you leave you don't find a new partner because that starts up the blended family hell.

If you leave, you stay single.

I agree that relationships are hard work and are not going to be a heap of fun and ecstasy all the time and that maybe some people give up on them too easily when the going gets tough, but I also think people feel that marriage = success, and will put up with most things to say they have that, which is sad. And if only one person is willing to put the work in, the first scenario isn't relevant and becomes one person is unhappy and the other is quite happy, having swapped his mother for his wife. I don't see why any woman wants to put up with that. OP hasn't really said how her H feels...

I know, but equally staying together doesn't equal two happy parents either.i really don't think it's a good thing to model an unhappy relationship to children. In fact, I think it's hugely damaging.

Separating doesn't equal 2 happy parents.

It can result in 2 unhappy parents who are financially worse off and don't see their children daily.

I don’t think there’s a right answer. There’s a big difference between abusive, kids seeing arguments/obvious dislike to just a bit ‘meh’.

I think people are too quick to leave sometimes. I’d give anything to be in a ‘meh’ if it meant I had my child all the time. I earn okay money but things are still very tight with everything over the last few years. And bad co-parenting, as is very common, can also be toxic for children.

Have you both tried to improve things romantically? Dates, therapy etc?

I agree. I thought I had a happy childhood, turns out I was utterly deluded but I had no idea. So I have wonderful happy memories mixed with guilt and sadness at how miserable my parents were and are together and feeling like all my happiness was at the expense of the people I love most.

This is a lovely honest thread with pragmatic views. It's clear there is no right answer. For my part I'm glad I left despite being in some of the situations you describe fearing @Thepeopleversuswork but every day life isn't full of unicorns and rainbows whether you're married (happily or not) or single. We just need to get on with things and find happiness where we can.

Obviously, when there is abuse in the relationship it needs to be ended.

But otherwise

• I don't know anybody in a perfect relationship, all the time. Couples have good periods and not so good period.
• I don't know anybody who is happy every day;
• you're never really 'free' if you're are the primary parent;
• Blended families are harder;
• The ex will always be part of your life as you share children.
• Loneliness can be a real health issue.

Yes, it's hard work at times but so is the alternative. And after a long period of time, having a companion, someone who you have shared the lows and the highs with seems to be worth it (judging by my grandparents and parents).

It might be depressing but I just don't think the purpose of our one and only life is to be 'happy and free'. I think hardships are always part of our lives, making it reacher and meaningful. Having a family is a wonderful privilege, and yes - requires constant effort.

Not every relationship is worth saving, of course, but in OP's circumstances, I completely get it.

I totally get this!

It's equipping them to recognise a healthy, loving relationship. Staying in a false relationship is doing just the opposite of that.

Because he would never leave our home, and neither will I. Plus I have family property he could have a claim to, and that would be over my cold dead body. And we have adult kids still living at home.

Put it another way: surely the most important aspect of raising your children is equipping them to be well-adjusted, emotionally stable adults - not whether they get to eat junk food one day a week when they're 7. That won't matter in 20 years' time.

I get what you mean OP. Better the devil you know and choose which 'hard' you want to be in, together and hard or apart and hard. By staying you are settling but I know how hard the unknown is, currently 2 year split from husband and have 2 children, The thought if being away from the kids made me not want to split but luckily we are amicable and I have the kids mainly and he helps out after school, has them on a Saturday night and we bith go football training with son etc at the weekend so quite in eachothers lives still, only I can now have organisation of money and am not stressed by him although the loving him and his potential has been hard to get over.

I do see what you mean OP, but I disagree. I've known a lot of people who were brought up in loveless households where their parents disliked each other, and also people whose parents divorced when they were little, and without exception the latter group are better-adjusted and less damaged. Growing up with divorced parents may be a bit shit and not ideal but growing up in a toxic atmosphere fucks you all the way up.

So I think you're looking at this too much in the short term. A few years of everything you describe, the logistics and the Disney dad and the stress, when the equivalent few years if you stay are just plodding along with the status quo.

But look beyond that. When the kids are teenagers or young adults, they'll see straight through the Disney dad stuff and they'll know which parent was actually there for them. The logistics will change, as they will in a few years anyway, and probably for the better. And for you, the long term you should be thinking of is the rest of your life. Maybe you can hack being in a loveless marriage for the next few years but at some point it will become intolerable.

You're not wrong about what leaving involves in the short term, but in the long term it's more likely to lead to your happiness and your kids' happiness.

I think you're right. It so depends on the children's ages as well. How can anyone be truly happier knowing during contact with their Dad these treasured kids are going to Macdonald's, not in clean nappies, with TV on all day, basically parenting themselves...? I'm sticking with meh until they are old enough to be able to recognise that's shit parenting makes sense. At least they can be protected from that and then when out of primary can start to see it all for what it is.

This isn't a case of LTB. This is people actually discussing what's best for the parents and kids.

I agree with you OP. Too many people on MN write LTB too easily

This is a a very honest thread, with lots of very balanced comments. I pretty much agree with you OP, who knows what will affect the DC more - staying or leaving. I'm in a vaguely similar situation, and I am coming to the conclusion that I could not forgive myself if I prioritised my own happiness at the expense of my DC's happiness. But not really knowing how they will respond to change is the hardest thing, and keeps you thinking... What if?

Interesting, I became increasingly convinced my ex was doing exactly that and it formed the basis of me giving up and leaving.
It's not entirely in your control, you do realise that right? It could very well lead to your unwanted outcome happening anyway, unexpectedly with you unprepared

No way I would stay in a crap relationship. Kids know.

They really don't always. My friend left what had been a long frustrating marriage when her younger dd left for uni.

Her kids were stunned. Had zero idea parents weren't happily married.

Because we can tell, kids aren’t stupid. I wished my parents would break up from primary school age and now as an adult I still think it would’ve made for a better life for everyone if they did. Except now I also think they’re rather pitiful individuals who condemned themselves to a life of mediocrity and misery and I’d rather be single forever than be like them. As it happens I’m in a lovely relationship but I wouldn’t hesitate to end it if it stopped being lovely.

People will come on and say "but you could have a much better partner"

But actually? It is vanishly rare to find a man who will be a supportive partner in parenting step children, so for better or worse, their bio father is likely the best they or you will get on that front.

Yanbu op. I understand people who know that it isn't necessarily a bad choice to stay in a boring/frustrating relationship if its:

• easier
• better for your children
• less stressful
• the least worst

Id even go so far as to say quite a lot of people these days leave a marriage too readily. They are bored, wandering eyes, even a bit selfish. They want "more" than settled/amiable/lacklustre.