To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

Loads and loads of people. That's the problem. Children are the victims in these situations. Well meaning parents think they're doing the right thing, but it's just prolonging the agony. There is no point in dragging out a dead relationship 'for the sake of the kids'. It does the kids no good at all.

But that's the thing though, isn't it - most of the time it's not toxic, just deeply dissatisfying for one spouse. That's where the difficulty lies; who wouldn't leave if it was toxic?

Yes. Let’s chase the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I didn't say anything about chasing a new relationship though did I? That's a totally separate issue. And not one that justifies keeping helpless children in a toxic environment.

Dunno. Seen so many people split up and then chase the ideal romance, where they are convinced they have a wonderful relationship and perfect blended family. Meanwhile the kids are having a shitty time

I hear where you are coming from but put some excitement in your life. If you don’t want to leave now- have a word with your husband and explain that some excitement has gone and you want to do something about it. I’m guessing you married him for a reason.

When I split with my ex, yes I was the more serious parent but that didn’t make me boring! I did special Fridays where we either made a favourite junk food at home; went to a resturant or got a takeaway. My DD was told to have veg and I would turn the plate into a happy face or her initials. We went to a museum or park or something weekly - these are free activities where we live.

In the short term it seems like the easiest thing to do but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your happiness. I hope you both can get through this and go back to a time where you loved the relationship. All relationships have their downfalls - but I think it’s horrible if you accept this as your norm without making the effort to fix it. Like others have said children and detect tense environments.

You can't live like that though.

I get it. No judgement here.

I've never said that out loud, so to speak, before.

I completely agree with you - it's all very well just saying "LTB" but it can often be a case of jumping out of the unfulfilled, frustrated frying pan into the financially compromised, knackered, frustrated fire.

I will say this, though - things may change for the better as the kids get older. When the kids are young you're basically in a job share with your spouse. I wanted to throttle my husband frequently. But my kids are now 16, 13 and 10 and things are much less bleak. In fact, we are happy (not that we don't have our moments, of course.) I'm so glad that I made the decision to hang in there. I hope that's some comfort to you.

This is going to sound so awful, and I am going to hell for it, but if he passed away.... He doesn't take care of his health at all, and his family aren't renowned for their longevity... but I am going to hell in a handcart for even thinking it...!

What would be your ideal? What scenario would help you get out?

Reading some of your posts is just heartbreaking. That's why I put up and shut up, but even though they are grown up (and all think I should get rid of H) I am still trapped.

Loneliness while in a relationship is real top tho, and is soul destroying. After many years of meh, and trying and counselling, I've reached the point of it hugely effecting me and my mental healthy. I'm a shell of myself with low energy and low interest. I feel so torn still as I want my DC under my roof each night but I am not the mum I was or wanted to be because of how this nonmarriage is impacting me. He is not happy either but is holding on for Dear life.

@PylonFree it's not a case of if they ever see it, it's when. It will be bittersweet because they will feel as crap as you do now. I'm sorry he is such a disappointing human being. Take comfort in knowing that they will grow up vowing never to settle for a man like him. If mum can do it solo they will have confidence that they can to if they ever need to. X

Sorry to be blunt, but you can't let that get to you so much. Kids will be kids, they're not going to appreciate the important stuff you do for them. They're only going to see the sweets and late nights their dad gives them and worship him for that. That's what's important to kids, not the necessities.
Pull yourself together and remind yourself what an amazing job you're doing. Your kids will appreciate that when they're older, I'm sure.

I'm only just realising in my 30s how useless my dad really was when I was younger, and how my mum pretty much did everything. Yet at the time, my dad was the 'fun one'.

I think kids can always respect an honest adult decision to split even if they dont like it. No child of divorce truly wishes their unhappy parents had stayed together.

Once you've experienced the happiness of a brilliant marriage it is impossible to imagine anything other than that or being single, even if being single is harder because it's a binary choice that you're making and being in control rather than a death by a thousand cuts.

And this has been this way for over 5 years, they still think he’s amazing, no sign of them coming out the other side yet.

Reading through those are things that can be worked on . I don’t know what the answer is. I guess I’d ask myself if I still loved him. Can I imagine life without him. If you don’t love him and can imagine life without him then it’s a waste of time trying in my opinion.

This is exactly how my life is since splitting with ex H and it feels so unfair. Our 4 DC think ‘Disney dad’ is amazing. They see him EOW, no extra in holidays just EOw, he doesn’t make them go to bed if they don’t want to, don’t have to have baths if they don’t want to, eat crap all weekend and have a whale of a time.
Then they come home and I’m the nasty parent who makes them go to bed cos they have school, makes them do home work, makes them bath, feeds them decent meals not takeaways and actually do the parenting that he doesn’t bother with. He wouldn’t have a clue about anything to do with their schooling, dentist or optician appts, haircuts, play dates, friends any of that. I do it all, and work so have childcare to sort and get them to and it’s a real kick in the stomach to hear them go on about how wonderful it is at daddy’s and how poor daddy wishes he could see them more but he has to work (no, he has plenty of time not at work, he’d just rather be with his gf but obv doenst tell the DC that).
It really is unfair, I lay in bed crying over it frequently, I hope and pray one day they see all that I do for them cos it gets me down so much

I think seeing him play disney dad and doing little else will be short term pain, long term gain when they grow to see his fun side as laziness.

I wouldnt let him take you down with him. What you lose in having to work extra hours you will gain in nit having to carry him as well.

Financially and time wise you may even find benefits/extra pay/better quality time without his laziness means you are a happier mum, even if you are knackered.

So have a lot of people. My parents divorced when I was young, dad was an a hole but my mum was way happier after so we were happy too.

Uhh me too, but I resent the years of not bothering. He also thinks he was amazing when my 2 DC were babies as he would make me a cup of tea before work or say don’t worry about the washing, get to it when you can. He is better but not at all fun. I very much encourage interaction between them. Why I bother I’m not sure now I’ve written that. Maybe I will let this effort I make go.

I feel you OP. I actually consider myself a single parent already in someways, I’m not married to my ‘D’P but he both DC’s father too and we live together. Lots of people are surprised I’m actually in a relationship as they rarely see us all. DP works very long hours and away a lot. People ask me if I worry he’ll cheat and no, gawd take him off my hands please, but we still struggle with two incomes. We earn very similar amounts, but I need flexibility for school, as DP can’t ‘help’ due to work.

I get very stressed with a pressured relatively senior job. We have lots debt from the baby years when I didn’t work, and honestly poor money management as we don’t really work as a team on spending or communicate about anything. I do spoil my Dc a bit, so not blame free, as grew up very poor so it’s hard.

I know my DC wouldn’t cope with before /after school clubs or could we afford it if we spilt.

Really wonder if I would be more stressed or less stressed if we spilt, it’s purely the money, I wouldn’t say lifestyle as that makes it sound like I’m cruising it now.

@Sooooootired01

Tbf, if you and your children are now truly happy, that's only a good thing 😊