To think posters should stop telling concerned parents their child doesn’t have SEN

I think it’s best to wait for any kind of diagnosis or discussion with a medic, as I have actually been in the opposite boat.

My DS has a speech delay (he is constantly progressing though) and not long after he had just turned 2, i hired a private speech therapist. She raised a concern of autism just because she saw him spin the wheels of a toy car (which i’ve never seen him do since). She then wrote it in her report which my childminder asked to see, who then jumped on the bandwagon that he must have autism and she really held him back because of it.

My son also loves numbers and counting (now aged 3) and when i mentioned this to a friend, she said ‘oh yeah that is an autism thing’.

My son is with paediatrics for his development (mainly due to hypermobility) and none of them, nor his nursery workers have expressed any concern about autism. So when other people make assumptions that he has it, it pisses me off.

See a professional? Get a diagnosis? Are you for real? Have you tried to access services or even read any threads on here? FIVE years some parents are waiting...FIVE years.

Of all the things we deal with, please understand , ignorance is the worst.

I agree with this

There are more children “diagnosed” on this site than people who say not to worry.

and this.

It often concerns me on MN how often people "diagnose" children on here, and also go straight to "You should apply for an EHCP" at the first sign of any difficulty.

Completely agree with all of this. I think a bit of reassurance is fine, but at the same time saying that it can't hurt to seek further guidance from professionals. My ex husband tried to deny that our boy had autism (he's one of the people who can see it clearly now) and I just used to say that he won't be diagnosed if he doesn't have it! I think it's fine to ask for other people's opinions, and also fine to seek more formal assessment if you are concerned.

YANBU.

It’s something I see a lot, and something I experienced myself with both of my (autistic) kids.

What compels some people to gaslight others into believing that traits and behaviours associated with SEN are completely and utterly normal is beyond me.

It’s not about asking strangers for medical advice. Often it’s a case of having a gut feeling that something is up, and needing to speak with others who have walked that path.

My eldest was very delayed as a toddler and I was obviously very concerned. I lost count of how many people trotted out that line: "they all get there in the end" and it drove me crazy. I work in a specialist school for children with autism, in a class of children who are extremely delayed and complex. They do not all get there in the end. Thankfully, I had enough knowledge and experience to know this, and listened to myself and my gut about my son. He's 9 now and was diagnosed with autism aged 5. He's come on so far and I do think a lot of that is down to early intervention and being aware quite early on that he needed different approaches than other children. Funnily enough, all the old doubters have gone quiet. Nobody questions his diagnosis these days. He's extremely bright in some areas but clearly autistic. What worries me is when parents without my prior knowledge/experience hear these empty platitudes about their children. They might just believe it, and delay seeking assessment and help for their child.

I agree tbh

Totally agree here too. I asked about DD's speech delay in here years ago and was told repeatedly that everything was fine. She's got ASD, ADHD, ARFID & Dyslexia.

I wish someone had pointed me in the direction of seeking help.

These things are as often an isolated delay that corrects itself as they are a sign of SEN.

I just put reassurance a bit like you described on a thread, but with the important caveat that it's wise to seek all the professional help and advice available, but that there's also good reason to be optimistic.

I used to be an SEN specialist and I have a child with SEN (for that matter, my husband and I both have SEN). I really think that prepare for the worst (ie in such cases, fight for professional help), but hope for the best, is the most practical advice.

Well SN/SEN is quite a large umbrella that isn’t just ASD/ADHD. It can be any diagnosed/undiagnosed difficulty that can cause a struggle, that leads to behaviour issues. When speaking about a child, additional needs can include anything from autism to physical disability to a trauma event.

I find this the opposite. Any and every behaviour out of line is diagnosed as some sort of SN.

I’ve had this in real life. To be honest, with my eldest I gaslit myself, he was showing so many signs but did the ‘opposite’ at the key 2 year milestone - he fully caught up (in my eyes anyway). The he started school and the reality of autism came crashing in.

With my second, I simply knew he was autistic. Unfortunately by the time it was very apparent, we were in/just getting out of lockdown and many people (including dad) were trying to use the social isolation excuse. Took a good year in nursery for everyone to be on the same page really, but after the age of 4 only a couple of people dared say ‘just be positive, he’ll catch up, blah blah Einstein and all that shite’.

Despite having two children diagnosed, one parent obviously undiagnosed as a child, I’m still having a todo with some recognising what are (to me after 8 years of sen parenting) big loud ASD flags in the youngest. Even after all my very intense experiences and fighting for my other two, people still try and tell me that the youngest will simply grow out of insert ASD/ADHD trait here. I have perfected my fixed smile at this point….

I had a "friend" group who repeatedly told me my DS (who had been diagnosed as autistic at four years old) definitely hadn't got SEN. It was bizarre -DS very clearly was autistic. I have no idea why they were so insistent or what the point of it was -it wasnt to try and comfort me for sure. It was clear it had been discussed behind my back. DS had an EHCP from primary age and has been at a SEN school where he is just finishing this year at 16 and on to college where he will get additional support. In other words, it wasn't me making up his SEN (why would I?!).
I'm not friends with them anymore! I've always wondered at the reason behind the weird denial!!

Agreed so people request those opinions are just asking for trouble!

It’s so so hard and I’m so sorry it took you so long to get a diagnosis 😓
Since knowing my child is autistic I’m no longer depressed. I’m not actually just shit.

I’ve not seen it on here but it happened so much to me in real life. People always say “oh little Bobby’s like that!” and “I’m sure it’s fine” and never want to keep listening. It just makes you feel shit like everything you’ve gone through means nothing.

Completely agree - the vast majority have no medical knowledge or training and know absolutely nothing about the child apart from what is written on here.

I do think people should be careful of being too confident in telling someone there is no issue when they really can’t know that. However I think in most cases it is just people giving their experience and opinions and it should be taken just as that.Parents post I imagine as they’re worried and even if they’ve contacted the relevant people it’s often just a waiting game until they reach a certain age.

I was a young mother with no family and comments like these made me feel so rubbish like i couldn’t cope with “normal” childhood behaviour. Everyone (friends, family, even teachers) said “oh this is what kids are like” so i ploughed through trying every bloody technique, trotting off to every bloody parenting course.

Turns out ds was autistic and wasnt dx until he was violent, mentally ill and self harming age 12. Also turns out that also my youngest son, partner and I myself are also neuro diverse

It makes no sense to come to a forum and expect posters to either confirm or dismiss your fears. Nobody here is qualified to diagnose anybody and quite honestly, if you take what posters tell you is medical advice then you get what you deserve. The same as posters trying to pull you into their 'tribe'. Utterly pointless and so many threads are full of confirmation bias; it helps nobody.

Always see a professional. Always. You'll get a diagnosis, one way or the other, along with the explanations and support needed.#

I hope you are able to access what you need and get reassurance if you need it.

I had this in real life too, OP. In that context it was gaslighting - I struggled on for over 10 years being told my expectations were the problem, nearly brought me to my knees. I have a good relationship with my child now but memories of childhood are very painful.

I also find that when the poster is concerned about SEN everyone says “your child sounds normal to me.”

When they are concerned about a behaviour their child is doing, massive meltdowns, not sleeping, hitting other children, covering ears at loud noises etc, then all posters jump on to suggest SEN, even if their is no mention of any other problems in the OP.

The contrast is quite extraordinary.

Yes, it is always best to speak to the professionals. But when everyone jumps on saying “it’s fine, totally normal” it could lead to the poster not contacting the professionals and so their child not getting the early intervention needed.

It is always better safe than sorry, and if, by the time your child is top of the waiting list to see SALT/ OT/ EP etc they no longer need the help then that’s great and you can cancel the appointment.

Yes professionals and you. The best people to speak to. My dd use to walk around on tiptoes and I was asked if I was worried. Luckily I wasn’t! I get more annoyed with the- have you considered he/she is autistic.

This is not the place to be diagnosed. It’s for chatter regarding other people and their uncles, brothers, friends, wife!

I've only seen the opposite so far -which is reassuring. I am always saying sounds like autism! I expected more people would be annoyed at this than the downplaying.

The frustration really is out there in real life - so many of us are fobbed off, gaslit, told be so called professionals that it's totally normal or something to do with your home life, youre over worrying etc. Many of us have to deal with partners or ex partners also downplaying things, gaslighting etc.

I believe strongly that other parents of SEN kids are often the best to advise. Better than any teacher to be quite honest, better than any GP, any health visitor also. If I listened to almost every person fobbing me off, we'd have got nowhere. Fobbing off was so severe in our case that request for assessing was refused. Had to pay for an assessment.