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AIBU?

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WIBU to stop helping my visually impaired DP until he's nicer about it?

27 replies

AnnonymousMum · 05/04/2024 17:11

I know it sounds awful. I feel guilty even thinking it, but I must genuinely spend hours every day looking for things for him or helping him with tasks that I'm sure he can do with a little thought. He still goes out alone, works full time and takes care of our kids alone when needed, and plenty of fully blind individuals manage a home.

I'm working from home today and he has just come in to ask me to find his slippers. He knows I'm exhausted and juggling childcare, university and work right now and that I'm up against a deadline. I told him I hadn't seen them and he replied that I "never help" him with anything and stormed off. He then came back 10 minutes later and said "everyone just watches me struggle and noone helps me".

Last night it was the bins, I was in my pajamas after studying all day while taking care of 2 kids and was in the middle of putting our kids to bed. He is perfectly capable of putting the bins out but struggles in low light. He left it until it was dark and then told me I had to do it. I said no I couldn't, I was exhausted and in the middle of putting the kids to bed. He said "you never help me" and then called me an "a-hole".

I know he is struggling with loosing independence, but would it be unreasonable for me to say I can't drop everything and help all the time?! If he takes his slippers off he can put them in the same place each time or remember where they are surely?! I'm not going around hiding them, they're not moving!

He might struggle to look but shouldn't he make some effort to adapt to his vision rather than expecting me to become his eyes at any time he needs me?

I have a feeling I'm being an A-hole aren't I.

OP posts:
KestrelMoon · 05/04/2024 17:22

I don’t think it is right to withhold support from a person trying cope with a progressive disability, especially loss of sight, just because they are grumpy, self-pitying and prickly from time to time. I’m not saying just put up with it, but keep doing the support while pushing him to come to a place of acceptance where he isn’t punishing you for the raw deal he has been given by the universe.

I do think it is worth telling him flat out that while you understand he is struggling, and in a way grieving the loss of the fully independent person he was, he can’t turn his anger against the world on you. I would think he could access some counselling or a support group for those experiencing sight loss? Tell him to ask his GP. He needs a safe place to express his feelings of how unfair and shit it is and it can’t be you, you are doing everything you can to support him and don’t deserve that.

GoingJacobsandRitz · 05/04/2024 17:13

I have a feeling I'm being an A-hole aren't I.* *

you both are. He's struggling and probably could do with some counselling to come to terms with whatever is causing his sightloss. You're struggling with your role of being you, a wife and carer. Sit down and have a heart to heart with him about it all and go from there.