Why is my partner pushing me away?

It must be hard read responses that describe your girlfriend's behaviour as abusive (unless you already suspected that yourself).

One thing I will say is something that ex husband used to say.

You know that if you get into a lion enclosure, the lion is going to kill you. It's not because it's a bad lion and it wants to hurt you. It's just the nature of lions. But knowing that, you still wouldnt go into its enclosure because you'd still be dead.

The point being that it doesn't matter whether the behaviour is intentionally abusive or not, the outcome for the person on the receiving end is the same.

She’s using her anxiety as an excuse to be emotionally abusive. It’s not OK.

Your girlfriend sounds like a very difficult person to be with and you must feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells trying not to upset her. The emotional blackmail of the “If you loved me, you’d want to talk to me at any time” stuff is basically psychological abuse/control.

She may well be anxious and depressed, but it is perfectly possible to be anxious and depressed AND be a controlling, self-absorbed manipulator. Which is what she sounds like to me.

It's because that poster has assumed the OP is male. Which they may well be..

I second what @meganorks said. It might be that your girlfriend has an anxious attachment style. She perhaps has low self esteem and feels undeserving of love on some level. Therefore she keeps pushing boundaries to ‘test’ your love for her. Unfortunately, this is often a self fulfilling prophecy and pushes the other partner away.

There are lots of good therapy accounts on social media that talk about this. ‘@thesecurerelationship’ is a good one for explaining why this occurs and tips for how to work on it. (Nb. I’m not affiliated to that account in any way, just think it might be a helpful one, but there are lots of others!)

Interesting how you have twisted that. (S)He hasn’t said anything of the sort and I don’t know how you can make that leap.

Getting her meds right is the first step. It's positive that she's on the case with those

She encourages me to go out with my friends, but when I do so, she then says she’s upset and feels I don’t want to spend time with her

I actually wonder if she does this because when you're there and together and she's feeling OK, she actually does get that it's reasonable and normal to do that and she wants you to enjoy yourself and see your friends.

But the reality for her is that, once you are out with them, her thinking goes into overdrive, and her brain tells her all kinds of lies about you and the relationship.

I have a history of trauma and that is exactly what I happens too me on occasion. The difference is that I know it's my brain getting it wrong and so I talk myself down from it. I wouldn't expect anyone else to have to reassure me or accuse them of things because that's abusive.

This.

is she medicated? Does she need to change meds/dose.

What steps is she taking to manage her anxiety and depression? Because I bet my husband could have wrote this 6 months ago. My anxiety and depression was becoming worse and by me trying to just tough it and and act normal I’d say things that I don’t mean, or tell my husband to do things that would make me seem like I’m ok when I’m not.

It’s not fair on you. It wasn’t until I started therapy again that I realised what I was doing and how it affected my husband.

Mental health is super tough, and it’s about the only thing that creates argument in our relationship. We manage it a lot better together now I’m in therapy and can put into words how I’m actually feeling and we have a much better relationship now.

She’s pushing you away to try and convince herself she doesn’t need to depend on you to help herself. In my opinion..

But, ultimately, unless she takes some responsibility for it, then the relationship will become untenable.

It's already happening.

She might not intend for her actions to have the impact on you that they do but they do have that impact.

Employing some posiitve self talk and CBT strategies like STOPP will help her not to catastrophise but this is something she will need to look into and undertake herself. It's not something you can do for her.

Google STOPP CBT and it will throw up some resources that might be a good place to start.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that. Whatever you do it's going to be wrong. That is abusive.

I couldn't be with someone like this. My life would feel like it's being slowly drained out of me. If she's refusing to listen there's only so much you can try!

What a draining person!

Because a conversation allows both people to have their say.

You have taken this one line from the OP completely out of context.

If she is allowed to talk about her day then surely the op is too?

Run, rabbit, run.

Tell your girlfriend you are freeing her so she can sign up for her true calling - as an MI5 interrogator.

Yeah, that's not what s/he said.

Well I certainly read the part that said:

A lot of the time, the conversation turns into her. I’ll be trying to talk about my day and she’ll end up ranting about hers.

Why can't he just talk to her about her day too? If they are having a conversation, then it's a two-way thing.

Nope, not what he said in the slightest.

Go back to the OP. You clearly didn't read it before leaping in.

I think you might need to talk to her (not when your in the middle of an argument about something already) and point out some of the things you've said here to see if you can get to the bottom of it. It sounds like she might be feeling very insecure about your relationship and so she is constantly trying to 'test' you. Except that is likely to have the opposite outcome and drive you away. Or she just likes to moan and complain about things!

Personally I would find this unpleasant and exhausting and unless she can address her behaviour I would be walking away. It will only get worse. My FIL could never do anything right. He did absolutely everything for my MIL and nothing was ever good enough. I really feel like he wasted his life trying to please an unpleasable woman.

That's not what he said at all.