Head Table Havoc

Yet your husband claims that you are being disrespected? And calling her Bridezilla is nasty, despite your protests.

It's not a good look for you insulting your sdil by calling her a bridezilla if, as you say, you aren't even bothered who sits where anyway. You clearly are bothered.

Basically - get over yourself and sit where you are told.

The bride is being a total loon. You should all sit at the top table, we managed it when dh and I got married. We just wanted everyone to have a lovely time and enjoy the day. It really didn’t matter to us at all who sat where. I get so fed up of all the ‘it’s my day’ rubbish.

So you don't mind where you sit - other people are outraged on your behalf.

The best way to neutralise their outrage is to keep telling them that a) the meal is only a couple of hours long and b) you are absolutely fine with sitting at a table with family&friends.

Your husband will be sat with the MoB - he really needn't exchange more than 'pass the bread' with his Ex. Although obviously it would more pleasant if they made an effort for a couple of hours.

And of course it's snide to post on MN that your DIL is a bridezilla. You are discussing her behind her back and blaming her for the table. At least own what you are saying.

This

I think it's a shame that grown adults can't put their differences aside and be civil on their child's special day.

I would be speaking to my husband about how it's important to make the day special for the couple and to go with their wishes. And then you and he should sit down with the happy couple and discuss what they want to happen. If they want her mum and dad on one side and his mum and dad on the other then I would accept that but ask him to think about whether his mum will accept that and if she won't would it be easier to have her and her husband on the top table and you elsewhere? Or would it be easier to have the two sets of parents mixed up as is traditional? Make sure they are making the decision and that they know you are not being difficult about it - if the mum is that's not your problem.

As soon as my half sister announced her engagement my mum started to gently prepare my dad for the scenario of her step dad being asked to walk her down the aisle and for her mum and step dad to be on the top table and my dad to not be. My sister is lovely and a people pleaser and she did ask her step dad to walk her down the aisle because I think she thought her mum would be upset if she didn't and my dad was fine with it. His sisters were apparently furious but my mum and dad calmed them down. And my sister had the three sets of parents on her top table. Though if she'd wanted her mum and actual dad it would have been fine as they were always civil.

in the end this is one meal - everyone needs to calm down and just accept the bride's decisions - it really isn't a big deal.

I think the whole top table malarkey is old fashioned and inconsiderate

In this situation I wouldn’t go

hi op as someone who has had similar concerns over parents at weddings I avoided by not having a top table I think they are a bit naff tbh.

HOWEVER. -the ONE thing you can do here is just be the reasonable one! Be the bigger person when others are getting their knickers in a twist.

Its not 'for the sake of appearances ' is it - its because they are his parents!

I actually agree with you that it's silly to sit them both up there without their partners BUT this is NOT your day - its hers! It will all be over in a few hours and there just is no need for other adults to fuss about it.

I would gently make other suggestions then let it go.

Oh fgs IT IS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT! Stop with your demanding attitude and either sit where they seat you or do them all a favour and stay away.

This is one of the reasons me and long term DP haven't got married. Two sets of divorced parents who would make the whole day about them. We'll just wait until they're dead.

OP it seems like cruelty towards the mother. She hasn’t had as much contact with her son growing up and now her ex is trying to displace her from head table at her son’s wedding. Surely you and your DH should be trying to encourage a positive relationship with DSSs mother rather than continuing to throw up blocks and assert yourselves as better parents?

Stop fussing about a wedding that is not yours. Sit where you are told to sit. Most weddings have Mither and Father of child together even if they don’t talk to each other

I have 2 adult stepdaughters and have a great relationship with both . DH and ex had a very acrimonious split many years ago and barely spoke for years yet at both girls’ weddings they put aside differences (as they should )and sat at the top table and I and ex’s DH sat at other tables . No problem at all . The parents won’t be beside each other anyway if the seating is done as it usually is.

My DD didn't have a top table. We had round tables throughout.

DD and her DH hosted one, with the bridesmaids, the best man and his DW.

Her DF hosted a table with his immediate family, my XP who brought her up did the same and DH and I hosted another table with DD's BF and her DH among others. It worked really well,

At my SD's wedding, I was on the top table, although I did not want to be and would rather have sat with DH's family, but I couldn't get out of it. Awkward as DH's XW was further down the table and even after 30 years they do not speak.

Had friends and family have this issue. Even for those who don't get on only the DM and DF were on the top table, not the new partners.
As others have said Grooms parents do not normally sit together, father of groom would normally sit along side mother of the bride and same for mother of groom/father of bride.
However it is up to the individual couple to say what they would like, they could easily have both sets up there.

I would dispense the the top table altogether. It’s a stupid tradition that causes lots of problems and means nothing.

No they should act like grown ups for the sake of their son, not squabbling children.

As per many pps I can't really see why it would be an issue for the grooms parents to both be on the 'top' table . They won't be sitting next to each other and presumably love their son and will hopefully be able to put resentments aside for the sake of the bride and groom. Most of the wedding is not spent sitting at the meal and it is quite normal for family members such as you, groom's DSF and siblings to be scattered around the tables for social purposes. In any case it is a decision for the B&G and not your concern . I don't think you or your DH should be making your thoughts on the matter known.

Of course it should be the parents at the top table. YANBU. Why does it matter you are not sitting with DH? It's the bride and groom's day. I think your DH is expecting too much.

So for one meal, they can't set aside their issues for the sake of their son? It's one meal.

If she’s being traditional they will be sat at opposite sides of the bride and groom anyway not next to each other. If tradition isn’t that important then your dad should pick who he wants there and not just have people there for the sake of it. I had an unusual line up at my wedding. It made sense and people felt more
Comfortable because of it but my mum didn’t agree even though it didn’t really affect her.

^ OP said the DSS was 'not phased' which sounds like he is not bothered either way. He is chill...maybe take a leaf out of his book, OP?

(Also It isn't snide to call a Bridezilla a Bridezilla. As previously stated we get on well.
**
Yikes.

If I knew my MIL viewed me as a Bridezilla, we probably wouldn't be getting on as well as she thinks we were.

Yes why can't he say no he's not happy. I'd be worried about the future of the relationship