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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have I become that overbearing needy friend?

107 replies

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 05/04/2024 01:59

I need a good unbiased opinion here…

Little backstory, I've always had good friends, but a few years ago, I unexpectedly made a friend through work with whom I clicked. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after. Given her limited family and close friends, our friendship became incredibly close, and I provided daily support.

Thankfully, she's now in the clear and doing much better. However, our friendship seems to be fraying. Today, she mentioned that our closeness only happened because of her illness, which I agreed with, but I don't understand why things have to change now that she's better.

For me, our friendship is incredibly supportive and genuine, like a true sisterhood, that neither of us ever had. We spoke openly, enjoyed each other's company, and leaned on each other outside of marriage. Today, she suggested cutting back on our interactions, which hurts.

Our friendship was intense—we spoke daily, planned meeting up at least once a week, and shared everything. We roughly knew each other’s weekly schedules and I knew about every appointment. Now, she's less forthcoming about her appointments, which feels like a rejection.

I feel almost heartbroken. While my husband believes she used me, our friendship is incredibly precious to me. It's like mourning a loss, and the thought of seeing her less frequently feels like I’ll be reopening a wound every time. She believes our friendship will stay the same, but I'm unsure how that's possible. I've grown accustomed to a certain level of closeness. It still feels natural to want to give her a quick call on my way home or drop a text, as she often did for me, but now I can’t.

Am I wrong to feel this way, or am I overreacting?"

OP posts:
Original poster
MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 05/04/2024 04:09

To add: I have considered if her decision may be influenced by a desire to distance herself from the trauma of her illness, but unless she spoke about it wasn’t something we spoke about daily. She would tell me she found it hard meeting with her other friends as she would have to dig up the feelings and events of everything she’d been through in the past 3/4 months of her life to update them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 05/04/2024 04:03

Thank you for your kind and intelligent replies. I truly appreciate all perspectives, my emotions can cloud my judgments and my lovely husband is always biased and I couldn’t bring myself to discuss her with another friend without feeling very guilty.

To answer some questions, I’m fully aware that speaking to a friend everyday is a lot, I’ve never done or (wanted to) before and I’ve maintained friendships for 28+ years. It happened very gradually, until it was very normal and comforting for us and of the evening, if my phone rang I knew it would be her. It wasn’t all illness chat, sometimes just general chitchat, ranting about families etc. It wouldn’t have continued it if it was all one sided.

I couldn’t speak more highly of her, I think she’s an incredible person and I was so grateful to have her in my life. Our toddlers adore each other and I’d actually planned on giving my unborn daughter her name as a middle name, to honour her (but it’s also fabulous and flows beautifully)

It feels very sudden for me, but from the way she spoke it was a long time coming. I have often happily gone out of my way to support her and her family. Her husband has said to me how lucky she is to have a friend like me. So I’m truly at a loss. She did say her other friendships just meet up every 3/4 months or so, for a coffee and an update on their individual lives. Whereas our friendship we were very much in each other’s lives.

I don’t know what to do, I am a respectful person and if that’s the boundary she is setting then it’s set. But it feels like the end for me. I feel like I’m mourning her loss already. I can’t envision a time, I’m going to feel comfortable to give her a quick call or arrange a play date going forward.

OP posts:
Botanica · 05/04/2024 02:41

Trying to put myself in her shoes, it sounds like she is appreciative of your friendship but is asking for some space in a reasonable way.

Whilst her cancer was the main focus in her life it now sounds like she has time to think about other things and expand her horizons again and she needs a little space and freedom to do that.

Since this friendship is clearly important for you, I'd really try to honour her request and see if you can reset the boundaries to be accommodating to her ask and allow the friendship to naturally evolve to something that works for her in this next phase of her life.

MariaVT65 · 05/04/2024 02:34

It’s possible your husband is right and that she did use you. If not, it’s also acceptable to ask for some down time as a phone call each day is way too much and too instense. I have 2 best friends that I’ve known for 18 years and we still wouldn’t speak to each other every single day like that.

It may well be that she values your friendship and wants to continue, but she is not unreasonable to ask not to be in touch with you every day.

FiveShelties · 05/04/2024 02:30

Do you think she may be trying to put her illness and how dependent she became on your support, behind her? Sort of starting again?

Harara · 05/04/2024 02:27

It’s not unreasonable to feel how you feel. I do think unfortunately it sometimes seems to be part of human nature that when a particular difficult experience passes, people want to distance themselves from things/people that remind them of that horrible time in their lives. I wonder if that’s what’s happening here: she associates your friendship with her illness, and she wants to move on. I agree it can feel horribly cruel, and almost as if you were being punished for supporting someone and being a good friend, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she was deliberately using you.

It does also sound like you feel quite intensely about her, so I guess it’s also just possible she’s finding that a bit overwhelming.

sweetpeaorchestra · 05/04/2024 02:26

That’s really tough OP. Did she not give any indication why or did you ever notice any pulling away before?
I could imagine the friendship intensity naturally lessening after her ordeal but for her to request these boundaries out the blue seems really odd (and upsetting).
What do you think is motivating her?
You’re of course not unreasonable to feel incredibly hurt.