have I become that overbearing needy friend?

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 2024-04-05T00:59:53+00:00

I need a good unbiased opinion here… Little backstory, I've always had good friends, but a few years ago, I unexpectedly made a friend through work with whom I clicked. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after. Given her limited family and close friends, our friendship became incredibly close, and I provided daily support. Thankfully, she's now in the clear and doing much better. However, our friendship seems to be fraying. Today, she mentioned that our closeness only happened because of her illness, which I agreed with, but I don't understand why things have to change now that she's better. For me, our friendship is incredibly supportive and genuine, like a true sisterhood, that neither of us ever had. We spoke openly, enjoyed each other's company, and leaned on each other outside of marriage. Today, she suggested cutting back on our interactions, which hurts. Our friendship was intense—we spoke daily, planned meeting up at least once a week, and shared everything. We roughly knew each other’s weekly schedules and I knew about every appointment. Now, she's less forthcoming about her appointments, which feels like a rejection. I feel almost heartbroken. While my husband believes she used me, our friendship is incredibly precious to me. It's like mourning a loss, and the thought of seeing her less frequently feels like I’ll be reopening a wound every time. She believes our friendship will stay the same, but I'm unsure how that's possible. I've grown accustomed to a certain level of closeness. It still feels natural to want to give her a quick call on my way home or drop a text, as she often did for me, but now I can’t. Am I wrong to feel this way, or am I overreacting?"

SheerLucks · 06/04/2024 01:35

This is so very weird and sad OP - I'm sorry it's turned out this way for you and, from what you've written, I can't see where you went wrong.

I have a lovely group of long-term friends but I too had a strange experience with someone I thought I was very close to.

We met when my second DC was at nursery and became very close, I thought. I remember finding the playground politics at my DS's primary a bit hard to deal with and confided in her over that quite a few times. Her eldest was my youngest's BF at the time, so she hadn't yet had experience of school-mum life.

She's probably the only person I've ever said the words "I'm really glad I met you" to and "You're the only person I feel I can really open up to about these things" etc.

We were very close, so I thought, for about three years, and then she just started distancing herself and I couldn't understand why. The crunch came when I was chatting to a mutual friend who mentioned something that had happened at a big housewarming party she'd had six months previously...which we knew nothing about!

I didn't confront her but stopped any contact we still had there and then. A few months later I got off a bus and she was standing at that bus stop. I said a friendly hello and then asked if everything was ok as I never seemed to see her anymore.

To my surprise she said "Well as you know there have been issues between our DDs", but when I pressed her for details she fudged over them.

I'll never really understand what happened, but she still lives close to me and I see her regularly walking her dog, although mom
She's now divorced.

meganorks · 05/04/2024 14:15

A phone call everyday does seem a bit much to be honest. So I can see why she would want to cut back a bit. It does also seem a bit like she used you. But she probably didn't even realise it at the time. You were supporting her and so calls, messages, meet ups were all the time. But now she doesn't need support she is maybe finding you a bit smothering. And possibly a reminder of the tough times she's trying to put behind her.

It sounds like you enjoyed supporting her and you still want to keep on that role. But she maybe wants to move on from that. I think I would try and back off a bit. A weekly call maybe. Meet ups every now and then. I can see why you are hurt by what she's said. But can you also see that maybe calling every day to check if she's ok is a bit much if she is now well?

ijustneedtokeepbreathing · 05/04/2024 13:52

I understand why you are feeling so hurt op. I have been there, though in a different context. But I mourned the loss of what I thought was a close and genuine friendship. I had asked the person in question to be godparent to my youngest daughter and I had huge admiration and respect for her. It was not easy.

I think that perhaps you have to accept, at least at this stage, that you won't know why she is stepping back. She has made it clear that she wants to, and you have to honour that. It may be that the friendship recovers - friendships do wax and wane, in my experience. Or it may be that your husband was right and she was using you (whether consciously or otherwise; it was a tough time for her). It may be that she simply isn't the person you thought she was, or she was only that person for a while and during very stressful times while being treated for cancer.

Acceptance is hard, and I think you have to allow yourself time to feel sad, grieve the loss and rebuild yourself.

Meangirl6 · 05/04/2024 13:39

So sorry OP.

I can't speak for the reason why or how she feels but I can say that you have every right to feel sad and grieve your friendship.

I'd give her space and see what happens. Have you both discussed boundaries like how many times she wants you to ring or meet up?

Personally, I couldn't be doing with being told how many times I'm allowed to ring or to be told I'm going to be seeing my friend every 3 months.

I would be worried every time I rang and received no answer, where they looking at the phone and not answering etc.

You deserve someone who appreciates everything that you are as a friend.

Also, I may not name my daughter after her unless you've already told your friend.

Has she just started dating someone?

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 13:11

Hi, OP. It's great to read your update and, tbh, how the friendship evolved and developed is completely understandable. As are your 'sisterly' feelings towards her/the friendship.

In reality, none of us know this woman. We don't know whether she is someone to intentionally take advantage (and knows the right things to say at the right time) or whether she was truly genuine and is now just recalibrating.

After all, lovebombing and future faking can happen in all types of relationships - not just romantic ones. But they're often not malicious and are often driven by intense emotions that can't always be sustained in the long term.

Also, don't forget that people here have shared their experiences, opinions and reflections. But none of us are you and none of us are her. And none of our experiences will exactly replicate yours. After an intense discussion on here, it can feel like the outcome is obvious and inevitable. But the only person whose perspective is actually relevant to you is hers and she hasn't contributed here.

There is no need to 'fall out' with her over this. She has asked for a photo of your daughter as a flower girl. Maybe her request for a photo was the equivalent of a "Let's do lunch" that's never going to happen but I would send one. I, personally, wouldn't 'drop the rope' entirely because, once the dust has settled, maybe things will find a way forward. But I would leave the ball in her court for now generally.

I think some people here may have got the impression she'd pulled away from the friendship completely but, from your update, it doesn't sound as though that is the case.

Maybe she really is just saying that daily phone calls and weekly meet ups are too much for her now!

And finally, I'm not surprised to read you say that you have people pleasing tendencies. One of my friends is a proud, self proclaimed people pleaser and I see the harm it causes her and, tbh, the extent to which her behaviour gets right on other people's tits at times! 😉 She sees no fault in it and thinks she just has a better moral compass than others.

She's currently going through a grievance procedure in her workplace - the third in six years and it essentially boils down to the fact she thinks she is nicer than everyone else and everyone else should be more like her. But the actual problem is that she has terrible (no) boundaries and gets upset when others do. She's detailed the (multiple and lengthy issues) to me each time it's happened and, honestly, none of her grievances have been upheld and she's just been 'forced' to get a new job and leave each time. The same will happen this time too.

Anyway, that's an aside. But I am going to send her a link to that book recommended upthread!

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Watch people's actions and not their words and good luck.

gmgnts · 05/04/2024 13:08

Sorry for your loss - your friend sounds very unkind. It will take you time to get over this, I'm sure

saffronflower · 05/04/2024 12:45

OP- I think you've expressed yourself incredibly well and you sound like a truly lovely friend.

I think you are right to pull back and not contact her. But PLEASE dont go running to her again if she does suddenly get in contact needing something from you. You deserve more than being at her beck and call when she needs something- its not fair on you.

Personally, if it were me, I'd drop the rope entirely and mentally place her at a distance. For me, there would be no coming back from someone telling me they didnt want contact when I had previously been there for them through cancer. Perhaps you're just not really compatible as people or perhaps you never even got to see the "real" her as maybe she was different when she was ill. Its quite possible that how she is now is her proper "normal" and the ill personality never really existed in any meaningful sense other than as a way to cope at the time.

Either way, you have done nothing wrong so look forward to the future and all the potential new and wonderful friends you are sure to make.

rookiemere · 05/04/2024 12:40

I'm sorry as I have skim read the thread, but I wanted to say that I think this scenario is quite common.

I had a friend go through cancer treatment and another friend was hugely supportive and took time off to drive her to her appointments and did absolutely loads for her. When the other friend was in remission she didn't want to spend time with the person who had helped her through and the other friend very generously rationalised this as she reminded her too intensely of when she was ill and needy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/04/2024 12:36

OP, I would not, NOT, give your daughter this woman's name anywhere. It would be a mistake of the most monumental proportions. Do not do it.

Not quite the same but I made my best friend at the time, my witness at my wedding. Again, an unbalanced friendship and it was me that force the 'waves to close over', but she's on my marriage certificate forever now. I regret that.

Make no moves or major decisions concerning or relating to this friendship right now because that's when irrevocable mistakes can happen.

Original poster

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 05/04/2024 12:33

I’d like to thank you all for your thoughtful and compassionate comments, out of all strangers on the internet I’m glad I found kind ones! While I wasn't sure what I was seeking from this post initially, I have found solace in your replies, and appreciate the many different perspectives that are at play.

To answer a few questions, I was never seeking a friendship like this, like I said I have decades long friendships that have never been this intense and or would I want them to be, so I can appreciate the overbearing nature, but it was very much a mutual thing. Aside from my husband and mother, I wouldn’t really ring someone unless it was an emergency, whereas she would rather speak than type it out, so I just became accustomed to that with her.

In regards, to her medical appointments, I didn’t feel like I overstepped in anyway, I never asked and I think she found it comforting to be able to relay the information she just heard and process it better as a result. That time period did weigh heavily on me mentally, I almost had to prepare in my head, what she would need to hear from me to be supportive during big appointments.

I don’t believe I have attachment issues, happy childhood, two brothers and happily married. But my mum has a very close relationship with her sister and maybe there’s an element that I saw that in our friendship? They speak daily and meet up several times a week. As a result, I am very close to my auntie and loved watching the relationship my friend formed with my own daughter. Only this morning, I watched her wrestle wellies on her feet and when I asked her where she was off to (at 6am, in her pjs) she named my friend- something she’s never done before, usually she says the swings!

Our relationship was strictly platonic and we would see each other during the day time while husbands were at work. My husband would always come first, but in honesty there hasn’t been many situations where I’d need to chose, as we just slotted into each others lives. When our LOs started two days at nursery, it was her that said we’d finally be able to finish a conversation. I admittedly I have always been a bit of a people pleaser, and at times I’ve gone along with activities that suited her over me but I’ve still enjoyed her company. I would still arrange to meet up with my other friends here and there, but my other friendships do feel a little less for-filling now as our friendship was so enriching and supportive. Before having this relationship with her, I don’t think I would have understood having such a close female friendship either, I would describe it like a very close sisterly bond. She often said she wished she met me a decade ago and I feel like she’s always been part of my life, there’s a photo of my wedding in my hallway and she often joked she needed to stick herself in the picture.

I’ve tried to play back the conversation we had, but I can’t quite piece it together. Only minutes prior, she was telling me to make sure I send her photos from this weekend - as my daughter is flower girl at a wedding. Having said that, I do not believe she will contact me and as I said I will be very hesitant to contact her or try and arrange something going forward, which ultimately feels like the end. We stopped working together around the time she was diagnosed, so only see her when we arrange things. I hope in time, I’ll be more accepting but for now her loss is very much felt in the day to day, but I think this will impact how I perceive any future friendships, which maybe for the best.

In regards to my unborn daughter, while it is different circumstances, our LO has my husbands brothers name (James) as her middle name, so it was him who suggested it for this one and it does flow beautifully, but feels tainted now and who knows, it may turn out to be a boy, we were told our first LO was a boy at 20 weeks, 32 weeks confirmed it was a girl!

OP posts:

Noirdesir · 05/04/2024 12:32

You probably remind her of a very traumatic time when she was terrified she was going to die, going through chemo, drs appointments, etc, all that would be life changing and possibly now you remind her of that truly awful time in her life

But surely so does her husband- she hasn't asked him to move out or split with him. Why is this only applicable to friends? I've yet to meet a person who dumped their spouse or a parent because they were super supportive during a crisis but they "reminded" them of that time so why would this only apply to friends?

Slip58 · 05/04/2024 12:10

Look up the poem " A reason, a season or a lifetime" by Brian A . "Drew" Chalker.

ImFckingMattDamon · 05/04/2024 12:07

Do you think there's a possibility that she's worried you have fallen in love with her and is backing off because she's thinks you will eventually cross the line and is trying to prevent the situation? The way you talk about your connection and naming your child to honour her are really intense and seem to have a romantic edge to them that maybe she has picked up on? Do you think your feelings have crossed the line from platonic into a more blurry area?

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 11:59

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/04/2024 11:52

I’m fully aware that speaking to a friend everyday is a lot, I’ve never done or (wanted to) before and I’ve maintained friendships for 28+ years. It happened very gradually, until it was very normal and comforting for us and of the evening, if my phone rang I knew it would be her.

What I think has happened, OP, is that your friendship didn't form naturally - and more importantly - in balance. This woman was ill when you befriended her and however close you were, it was always on the premise of her being ill - and you not.

Now that she's in remission/all clear she doesn't want to be constantly reminded of that time but you feel sad because you're not aware of all her appointments. It's now a mismatch and she needs the friendship to come to an end. I know that she's said about pulling back a bit but I don't think any friendship between you two is sustainable now. You're both from two different positions.

It's not about 'using'; both of you got what you needed from the friendship but now instead of soothing, it's clanging.

I don't think you did anything wrong and I'm sorry that it's painful for you but I believe you should prepare yourself for this relationship to completely fizzle out. This woman needs to repair, recover and do that not under the spotlight and scrutiny of an intense friendship where you're 'watching over her'.

If I were in your position I would pull back. I would agree with her that time and space is needed - and then I would let the waves close over the friendship. For your sake, not hers.

This is a really sad acknowledgement, tbh, that the friendship probably won't find a new normal because of the time in which it was establsihed. However, I think it's probably very accurate.

Shabnamsshoos · 05/04/2024 11:52

Donotgogentle · 05/04/2024 11:42

Quoting you back, but I agree with you.

Especially about teaching girls that’s it’s right to have boundaries about how much we give to other people and that it’s not where our value as people lies.

Personally I try to keep friendships on a more or less reciprocal basis, although of course that can shift during a time of ill health or bereavement.

Show quote history

I agree with this SO much, it wasn’t until my early 30s I realised some of my longstanding friendships were massively one-sided. I was their therapist, money lender, always up for a meet up friend , support worker, relationship counsellor etc and I’d get very little back from some of them.

I see this now as people pleasing which stemmed from how I grew up, and I had to accept part of the responsibility for engaging in this kind of dynamic.

I don’t exactly sit and keep tabs on who helped who, but I do take a moment every now and again to reflect on if my friendships are healthy and reciprocal.

While some friends have drained and used me, I’ve also been in the position where I’ve become more of the “taker” in a situation, which is fine for a moment, but it shouldn’t become the default position.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/04/2024 11:52

I’m fully aware that speaking to a friend everyday is a lot, I’ve never done or (wanted to) before and I’ve maintained friendships for 28+ years. It happened very gradually, until it was very normal and comforting for us and of the evening, if my phone rang I knew it would be her.

What I think has happened, OP, is that your friendship didn't form naturally - and more importantly - in balance. This woman was ill when you befriended her and however close you were, it was always on the premise of her being ill - and you not.

Now that she's in remission/all clear she doesn't want to be constantly reminded of that time but you feel sad because you're not aware of all her appointments. It's now a mismatch and she needs the friendship to come to an end. I know that she's said about pulling back a bit but I don't think any friendship between you two is sustainable now. You're both from two different positions.

It's not about 'using'; both of you got what you needed from the friendship but now instead of soothing, it's clanging.

I don't think you did anything wrong and I'm sorry that it's painful for you but I believe you should prepare yourself for this relationship to completely fizzle out. This woman needs to repair, recover and do that not under the spotlight and scrutiny of an intense friendship where you're 'watching over her'.

If I were in your position I would pull back. I would agree with her that time and space is needed - and then I would let the waves close over the friendship. For your sake, not hers.

Luxell934 · 05/04/2024 11:51

You probably remind her of a very traumatic time when she was terrified she was going to die, going through chemo, drs appointments, etc, all that would be life changing and possibly now you remind her of that truly awful time in her life.

I can understand your feeling put out after supporting her through it all, you were there when she needed someone. Hopefully when you need the same for whatever reason she will truly be there for you too.

Concannon88 · 05/04/2024 11:46

@MalibuBarbieDreamHouse the first thing I thought was, shes used you. How sad. So sorry.

Shabnamsshoos · 05/04/2024 11:44

@BusyMummy001 That’s tough, I can imagine how hurtful that is. Some people merely see you as a resource for help unfortunately. So once you withdraw from providing that service you are of no use to them any longer sadly.

Most of all, I am hurt and my self-esteem is decimated - how unlikeable must I be to be worth no contact or consideration after all I did (and was happy to do) for my friend and her DCs? I have let most of my pre-covid friendships fall away an only have 3 friends now, all busy with ailing parents/dying relatives/trying to get their own dcs into work/uni so not really around for drinks/walks/etc. I just don’t trust anyone and now feel paranoid that noone likes me anyway.

It’s honestly not a reflection on your character at all though. She just reached out to grab hold off whoever she felt could keep her afloat at a difficult time and it happened to be you.

It’s easy to internalise others behaviour towards you but the bottom line is she hasn’t behaved well at all, so why should that be a reflection on you?

It can be a good lesson about learning to have boundaries when you help others and making sure you (and the priority people in your life) aren’t too burdened.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 11:44

Personally I try to keep friendships on a more or less reciprocal basis, although of course that can shift during a time of ill health or bereavement.

Same 👍🏻

saffronflower · 05/04/2024 11:44

BusyMummy001 · 05/04/2024 11:42

It’s currently free to read on Kindle unlimited, so duly downloaded. I’m probably overdue for a bit of therapy, but this looks like it will make a great stop gap!

Show quote history

Aw I hope you enjoy it. It really made me examine where my tendency to people please came from too. Usually childhood and being told we must "be NICE" etc etc

saffronflower · 05/04/2024 11:42

I've always thought of it as 'kind' being honest eg, delivering bad news sensitively with compassion. Whilst 'nice' is dishonest eg, pretending there is no bad news to avoid hurting someone's feelings (doesn't change the reality/existence of the bad news though).

Yes- it's exactly this!

BusyMummy001 · 05/04/2024 11:42

saffronflower · 05/04/2024 11:28

I'd really like to recommend the book "not nice" by Dr Aziz Gazipura for anyone struggling with people pleasing. It really helped me distinguish between "kind" and "nice". Kind being what we want to be, and nice being what feel we have to be for people to like and approve of us even when its to our own detriment.

It’s currently free to read on Kindle unlimited, so duly downloaded. I’m probably overdue for a bit of therapy, but this looks like it will make a great stop gap!

Donotgogentle · 05/04/2024 11:42

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 11:24

I’m also suspicious of people who give too much, I think as pp have flagged it can come from a need to be needed or to feel important, so in fact quite a lot of strings attached.

I think it's an interesting discussion point in general tbh.

I remember this from the Brownies in the 80s - A Brownie Guide thinks of others before herself and does a good turn every day.

Great in principle but why did/do we always teach girls to put others before themselves?

And at what cost? Any?

BusyMummy001

What you did was admirable but you say yourself that it was detrimental to your family (and so presumably yourself?) and that you can become overly invested in friendships.

Please remember that your loyalty should be first and foremost to yourself, your family and to your own children. Being in a position to support others is wonderful but it should never come at the expense of yourself or your own children

I wish that we developed and encouraged women's and girls' esteem through their confidence setting boundaries rather than a desire to seek external.validation based upon how useful they/we are to others!

Quoting you back, but I agree with you.

Especially about teaching girls that’s it’s right to have boundaries about how much we give to other people and that it’s not where our value as people lies.

Personally I try to keep friendships on a more or less reciprocal basis, although of course that can shift during a time of ill health or bereavement.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 11:39

saffronflower · 05/04/2024 11:28

I'd really like to recommend the book "not nice" by Dr Aziz Gazipura for anyone struggling with people pleasing. It really helped me distinguish between "kind" and "nice". Kind being what we want to be, and nice being what feel we have to be for people to like and approve of us even when its to our own detriment.

I like that.

I've always thought of it as 'kind' being honest eg, delivering bad news sensitively with compassion. Whilst 'nice' is dishonest eg, pretending there is no bad news to avoid hurting someone's feelings (doesn't change the reality/existence of the bad news though).

I guess it's the same really!