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Original poster

Newborn stress

63 replies

readingismycardio · 04/04/2024 19:11

Hi everyone,

I don't even know what I want from this post, so please, have a little patience with me. This is basically a long rant. My baby boy was born in March, after a long time of heartbreak, infertility and loss.

I am not crazy, I never thought it's going to be easy, but I never thought it was going to be this hard, either. It all started with a traumatic c-section, a lot of blood loss, a massive wave of hormones and crying and pain. My baby boy is perfect and I could see that, but that maternal instinct everyone talks about only hit weeks after. I was caught completely unprepared (and shockingly, terrified of the baby, tbh!)

For a week after c section I had the most awful brain fog, combined with sheer panic, I honestly constantly thought I’d die.

My milk came in many days late and it was never enough. I spoke with a few lactation consultants who kept telling me to not give formula, but that wasn't an option - my baby wouldn't latch properly, milk wasn't enough and he was losing weight (and his birth weight wasn't great to begin with - almost 3 kg)

So, we topped up with formula, and we still do. I pump as much as I can, but whatever I did (supplements, tea, water, you name it, I did it), I only pump just enough to give him 3-4 out of 8 meals a day, about 40 ml at a time - which obviously, isn't ideal, and pumping is time consuming and ruins bonding with my baby. I have blamed myself SO MUCH for not being able to exclusively breastfeed.

Besides that - he is a fussy eater - he eats anywhere between 70 ml - 100 ml, cries during feeding (we started giving him colic medicine), and eats super slow (30-40 min/bottle). I wonder if this is normal for a month old baby. No medical reason, but I am still scared. However, he started gaining weight steadily and I am happy about it.

He is a decent sleeper - either contact naps or in his cot, which I’m not fussed about, I know it’s way too early for sleep training.

I have such an amazing husband, and a truly amazing marriage based on love and respect, but since baby came we have been fighting SO MUCH due to panic and sleep deprivation. He is doing his best, though.

I feel that we had such a difficult journey so far and I never got to enjoy my baby. Everyone tells you how magic and natural breastfeeding is, and how amazing is having a newborn - so probably my expectations were unrealistic to begin with.

I am tired, overwhelmed, we try to keep on top of household chores but even that is super hard (my mom helps a lot too - but she works full time and she is drained too by this point). I feel that with the long time for feeding, contact naps, walk outside and bath time I barely get time to eat or shower. It’s a neverending cycle of stuff to do.

Please, if you have any advice on how to make my life easer (even items we could buy!), or even a handhold. Is this going to get better? When? I know I sound whiny and probably am; but I am exhausted.

OP posts:
SaulGoodmanIsTaken · 04/04/2024 19:47

Congratulations and it does get better!

have a look at Tommy tippee perfect prep, had it for both kids, one was more bf and one more formula but doesn’t seem to have made much difference now.

its ironic that the pregnancy hormones do you dirty as soon as the baby is here, as the better weather arrives it’s definitely worth trying to get outside for a little bit.

baby groups can be a bit over rated, but Childrens centres sometimes have lovely classes. I relocated when my son was small and made myself a promise I had to talk to one new person every day, even just to say hello.

good luck and it does get better - enjoy the bits you can, rather than the impossible every moment

MammaTo · 04/04/2024 19:45

Aww congratulations!!

My little boy is 17 months now, but I felt exactly the same. I never expected an easy ride but it was 10 times harder then I ever expected. I used to cry my eyes out and think “why have I done this, I used to have a lovely life, why didn’t I wait another year”.

I promise you’ll start to get the hang of things, I found it really hard when we had days of doing nothing “productive” for example contact naps, feeding baby, dressing baby - when really we’re caring for babies, that’s the most important job at that moment in time. Dishes will get done, washing will be done - you’ve just got to keep your head down and get through these first few months and honestly by 6-7 months it was a dream. Summer days with your baby are soon coming!!

Original poster
readingismycardio · 04/04/2024 19:40

@merriadock thanks so much, looking into it now! Flowers

OP posts:
merriadock · 04/04/2024 19:39

readingismycardio · 04/04/2024 19:23

This made me cry. Thank you so so much. You are superwoman, too! Flowers

What prep machine are you recommending? I kept looking at baby brezza, but it has so many bad reviews regarding safety (even a canadian lawsuit!) thanks so much!

Show quote history

❤️💐

We have the Tommie tippee perfect prep machine. We clean it weekly and replace the filter every 3 months, haven’t had any issues. I know there have been some cleanliness issues with it but I do think if you are conscientious with it it’s fine!

Good luck!

Original poster
readingismycardio · 04/04/2024 19:39

@shellyleppard thank you so, so much!

@thecatsthecats that's great advice, thank you. He really makes a lot of effort, helps with everything, even wakes up for one feed and lets me sleep for 5 hours. I am trying. But I miss our relationship and intimacy so, so much.

@MidnightPatrol he's back on Monday but WFH so he can help when he takes small breaks! Thanks so much!

@Daffodilsarentfluffy I definitely am! In the morning DH takes care of the baby while I shower, eat, put a bit of make up on and take my supplements! It helps a lot! Thanks so so much!

OP posts:
Daffodilsarentfluffy · 04/04/2024 19:35

Ime prioritise your shower.. Feeling clean and some clean clothes on will make you feel better instantly...
Dh used to take ds from say 5am until I got up for the school run at 7/7.30..those 2 magic hours kept me sane all day.

MidnightPatrol · 04/04/2024 19:35

This sounds completely normal.

It’s full on - but you sound like you have found solutions and your baby is thriving. Hurrah!

Dont stress about breastfeeding. It’s not as easy and straightforward as they let on. Fed is best etc.

At this stage I was completely overwhelmed also. It just gets better in time. The house is a mess, the meals aren’t the best, you need a break.

Find ways to have a break. Go for a walk without the baby, coffee at the local cafe. Go for a swim while they wait outside. Accept any help anyone offers. The weather is getting better - sit in the sun. Is DH back at work? Get them to take a day a week holiday to help.

I found it all got much better at 4 months.

thecatsthecats · 04/04/2024 19:34

Re: the fighting - honestly, this was us too.

My husband did so much for us, but there was a limit on what he could do, and because you naturally spend so much time with the baby, you feel like he's doing things wrong that he should do right. Even though he's not even done anything wrong... And his freedom is more, right at a point when he owes you more than it's possible to owe someone.

There's no way around it except to give each other time. The balance will be redressed. At 5 months now, things are so much more equal here.

It helps if your husband makes a big effort not to take things personally.

Original poster
readingismycardio · 04/04/2024 19:33

theeyeofdoe · 04/04/2024 19:28

I remember with DS1 when my mum left after a week. DH got home from work and asked what I'd done today. I said I'd emptied the dishwasher. I'd obviously also fed, created milk, changed and looked after our baby - but I looked back and thought that was odd. It was the least important thing I'd done.

Concentrate on breastfeeding and then giving a top up afterwards (not the other way round). If you're tired, it's best not to do contact sleeping in case you fall asleep too. Pop them in the basket.

Also try and get out; do you have a postnatal group. Is there someone else with a small baby that you could meet at the park or have a coffee with. Friends who you can go round to?

It gets much better around the 6 week mark.

Great advice re cosleeping - thanks! I only do contact naps during the day and fully awake!

Tbh - no close friends with small babies and frankly no one bothered to keep in touch as much as before. I feel a bit isolated too.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 04/04/2024 19:33

I was in the exact same position with my eldest one. Worried in case I wasn't breastfeeding right, was he getting enough fluids. I started him on the bottle and slowly started to feel a bit more human. Its not easy and it took me weeks to bond with him.....he's now nearly 19 years old and taller than me!!!! Good luck and here if you want to talk x

theeyeofdoe · 04/04/2024 19:28

I remember with DS1 when my mum left after a week. DH got home from work and asked what I'd done today. I said I'd emptied the dishwasher. I'd obviously also fed, created milk, changed and looked after our baby - but I looked back and thought that was odd. It was the least important thing I'd done.

Concentrate on breastfeeding and then giving a top up afterwards (not the other way round). If you're tired, it's best not to do contact sleeping in case you fall asleep too. Pop them in the basket.

Also try and get out; do you have a postnatal group. Is there someone else with a small baby that you could meet at the park or have a coffee with. Friends who you can go round to?

It gets much better around the 6 week mark.

Original poster
readingismycardio · 04/04/2024 19:23

merriadock · 04/04/2024 19:20

First of all, congratulations on your new arrival. Secondly, it is normal not to bond for days, weeks or even months after arrival. Thirdly, IT IS HARD!

In terms of tips - if pumping is taking away bonding time/making you more stressed, stop. My little one was tiny when born (5lb 1oz) and was a nightmare to feed. Took ages and didn’t drink much. I was in the same position as you feeding-wise (breast then topping-up every feed with formula and pumping in between) and it was exhausting. I gave up after 3 weeks as I realised he wasn’t bothered by breast or bottle and it was ruining my bonding time with him. There is no shame in solely formula feeding. Your partner can also help feeding-wise too.

Buy a prep machine - makes making bottles easy and stress-free.

I hope the fog starts to clear and you start to enjoy motherhood. Remember - you are superwoman!

This made me cry. Thank you so so much. You are superwoman, too! Flowers

What prep machine are you recommending? I kept looking at baby brezza, but it has so many bad reviews regarding safety (even a canadian lawsuit!) thanks so much!

OP posts:
merriadock · 04/04/2024 19:20

First of all, congratulations on your new arrival. Secondly, it is normal not to bond for days, weeks or even months after arrival. Thirdly, IT IS HARD!

In terms of tips - if pumping is taking away bonding time/making you more stressed, stop. My little one was tiny when born (5lb 1oz) and was a nightmare to feed. Took ages and didn’t drink much. I was in the same position as you feeding-wise (breast then topping-up every feed with formula and pumping in between) and it was exhausting. I gave up after 3 weeks as I realised he wasn’t bothered by breast or bottle and it was ruining my bonding time with him. There is no shame in solely formula feeding. Your partner can also help feeding-wise too.

Buy a prep machine - makes making bottles easy and stress-free.

I hope the fog starts to clear and you start to enjoy motherhood. Remember - you are superwoman!