Newborn stress

Just another tip I read a few years ago that I implemented with my third. If you’re a hot drink lover and are finding that they are constantly cold by the time you get to drink them, get yourself a travel mug to use at home. It was a game changer for me, I absolutely love tea and would be gutted to finally remember I’d made myself a tea and it be flat cold! I still use it now and my little one is 18months! Always a lovely hot brew waiting for me.

Massive handhold here- my much-wanted, much-loved IVF baby came very close to breaking me!

Top tips for survival:

• Shower every day, followed by clean, comfy clothes.
• Get out for a walk with baby every day.
• Get good-quality ready meals if you can afford them.
• Eat lots of food- mostly healthy, but some treats too!
• Listen to audiobooks are podcasts while baby is sleeping/feeding/on a walk.
• You need clean clothes, clean dishes and food- THAT IS IT. No other housework for a while. And your husband needs to take on the bulk of that.
• Early bedtime- I went to bed at 8pm for quite a few months!

Good luck- I promise it will get easier. X

OP you are doing SO well, it’s so lovely seeing this thread with all the support, you are not alone and you are fantastic just as you are

Determined to not go there again!!

Yes, I recognised how down I felt after DS1 refused to bf- that turned to anger that women were pressurised in this way. By the time I was expecting Ds2 I suppose I was determined to go there again. If bf worked - then great; if not, no problem formula feeding. He did actually try to latch but the hospital was so short staffed and I’d had a cs that I wasn’t prepared to wait for ages for help while he was crying. I cracked on with the formula and had firm words with one mw who tried to tell me off. I was 40 and a university head of department- I suppose I have certain air of authority. I worry about younger or less confident mothers who end up basically bullied into trying to bf when it’s not going well. After years of infertility there was no way I was going down that road- I wanted to enjoy those early months with my babies .

Reading your post made me remember how hard it was. Your journey sounds so very similar to my own. I put so much pressure on myself about breastfeeding as I’d had ivf so wanted as much to be natural as possible. Now I realise that just doing your best, and ultimately feeding the baby whichever way, is actually the most important thing!
Please be kind to yourself. You are still recovering from major surgery. Things will get easier.
Has your ds been checked for tongue tie? It turned out that was the problem with my dd and once that got resolved it was easier.
Good luck op. You’ll get there.

Your baby is still so very young. It’s completely normal to be a zombie in those early weeks. It helped me to know that things roughly go in stages - ie there are changes around specific weeks. This broke the early weeks period down into manageable chunks for me. Basically, the first 12 weeks are the hardest, but you’ll see slight changes/improvements over that time, so just keep going.

Forget the housework! If you can do any that’s a bonus, but only do essentials. Food is crucial for you, so focus on food, drinks and rest. If your baby is napping either nap yourself or simply sit and close your eyes or read a book - anything relaxing.

Showering - take baby in with you and keep showers short. You can have a longer bath/shower when your DH is there to watch baby.

Fresh air - try to get out of the house most days. Even when you’re tired, a walk can be reviving physically and mentally. I used to look forward to my pram walks even though I was tired.

Honestly, it really does get easier. It sounds like you’re worrying about baby but reading what you wrote, it sounds like you’re doing fine 😊 💐

Two things which echo what pp have said

Pumping is the WORST! It's so stressful and so disheartening. I used to get 5ml from a pumping session, I used to have to pump so many times to have a 20/30ml top up every 2 days! It wasn't worth it. The stress and heart ache of pumping far outdid the benefit of the breast milk. So I said to myself formula is more beneficial for my baby. You can still put him on the boob but it's ok - better than ok!! - not to pump

The other thing is that we are not told at all about the post partum fighting. I still remember that I would happily have killed my partner.... Over the way he took out/didn't take out the bins. I was RAGING. It's a real thing and it's not discussed. I stayed with him because I wanted my child to have a full blood sibling. He's a great dad and husband but I would have been skipping out that door if it could have. But it was hormones, tiredness and a total change of life.

I've no advice there but - solidarity!

Hi there it's a midwife. Please don't buy a formula prep machine. They are dangerous and it's nothing to do how they are cleaned. Bacteria is occasionally found in formula, babies did come to harm and died as a result from this, even in developed countries. The only way to kill bacteria is to make sure the water is at least 70 degrees Celsius when making formula up. The water temperature in the prep machines is too low. What you are going through emotions wise is very common, don't beat yourself up. I am about to start work, I will write again

You know the first shot of water out of the prep machine (that you add the formula to) is not only filtered but also boiling hot? If your hand is under it you will scold yourself. The second shot is cooler, and filtered.

Congratulations first and foremost! Having a baby is a huge deal and I found it shook me to the absolute core first time round. Your world is turned upside down and the shock of how all-consuming looking after a tiny baby is can be a lot!

You are doing amazingly. I had a similar experience to you first time round and couldn't figure out how to get anything done, I was frequently still in my pjs when my husband got home from work. For the first 7 weeks I battled static weight gain, my milk never properly came in, baby was weighed every couple of days and I was exhausted dealing with anaemia and birth injuries. I threw in the towel with breastfeeding and pumping and it was the best thing I ever did! Your baby will thrive on formula, there's no shame in it,

As PP have said, get a tommee tippee prep machine which is a total lifesaver. Fed two babies with it and not a single issue.

Drop your standards for housework too while baby is so young. It's a full time job just looking after them. If you switch to formula then you can split the nights so both of you get a chunk of sleep, which will really help.

It is so hard and it does get easier.
In terms of practical tips, I took 5 mins every morning to set up a basket with healthy snacks, water bottle, nipple cream, muslins, wipes, phone charger etc. so when cluster feeding or contact napping I had everything close to hand, I made the most of time to chill and watch box sets.
We got meal kits delivered to save on cooking/shopping time for the first few weeks.
DP would take DD for a few hours in the late evening so I could get some sleep before night wakes and for an hour in the morning so I could shower, eat and get everything ready for the day.

Many congratulations OP. Your post sounds completely normal for a new mum. With newborns it just about surviving the day the best you can, as long as baby feeds and puts on weight you are doing ok! I had two under two, OMG the hardest thing I have ever done. I always showered before DH went to work. It will be easier.

Hi there it's a midwife. Please don't buy a formula prep machine. They are dangerous and it's nothing to do how they are cleaned. Bacteria is occasionally found in formula, babies did come to harm and died as a result from this, even in developed countries. The only way to kill bacteria is to make sure the water is at least 70 degrees Celsius when making formula up. The water temperature in the prep machines is too low. What you are going through emotions wise is very common, don't beat yourself up. I am about to start work, I will write again

Firstly congratulations sweet mom,
Trust me, going through all of this is phenomenal and you are EXTREMELY STRONG, don't let your inner voice make you feel any less than a warrior,

Secondly, I delivered on oct 23 with a CS and DS had to be admitted to the NIcU and had BF issues as well, so I know how you absolutely feel, and let me tell you that what you're good through Is actually difficult and dealing with such a young age is super challenging both mentally and physically, so give yourself some slack and know that whatever you can do is the best and your baby loves you and feels your love no matter what

Thirdly, from a medical side view

1. Its so normal to have BF issues and don't give up i had the same scenario and eventually after seeing Bf consultants and putting my mind into it i could taper down bottles to once or twice per day (some weeks my supply dips and others things are good)

1. When they grow older then tend to latch better overall (i have latch problems and cracked wounded nipples most of the first month) you just have to hold them so close and be very comfortable in your position .

1. Maybe the prolonged feeding could mean he has a minor degree of toe tongue or tie lip (mine had but when i knew at 2 months of age it was too inconvenient for us to do his Op but it makes a huge difference in younger babies and how they latch) ask your pediatrician to have a look at it at your next FU

1. Sleeping makes a huge impact on your mental health , not sleeping made me fight with DH and MIL as well as my own mom who like urs works FT and helps as she could but I can't overload her anymore, when baby is around 3 months of age their sleeping will improve a little giving you a 4/5 hour sleep stretch which will help improve your feelings of exhaustion

1. It is possible there is an element of PND and i my self didn't get help which would have made things better sooner for me yet i think you should give it a try

1. Its normal to have long Bf sessions at first, i used to sit for 1.5 hours changing between sides but i realize it was because my milk supply was low and baby was trying to feed

I know how frustrating that is but don't feel bad about formula, at least you are trying with natural Bf for his immunity so know you're doing your absolute best mommy

As PMPBUH said "Heaven is beneath mothers feet"

Motherhood is one of the most sacred and respected experiences any woman could go through so appreciate it and know that God is with you, you are doing your maximum, your family members do understand your feelings, things will be more manageable and routine like later on

Wishing you all the best

Let's all pray for each others wellness and babies wellness

Sounds like switching to bottle feeding could relieve a lot of stress.

Could you get a cleaner in once a week/fortnight for a little while to tide you over?

Make having a shower and putting on clean comfy clothes before DH sets off to work a non negotiable. Can he prep the bottles, make you a thermos flask of tea and a sandwich for lunch, throw a load of laundry in and put dinner in the slow cooker before work also? Sounds a lot but achievable in less than 10 mins.

Have a basket of healthy snacks next to your sofa/bed so at least you’re eating regularly throughout the day.

How about a couple of hours to yourself on a weekend? Do something you enjoy, watch a movie, go for a walk, beauty treatment, meet a friend for a coffee??

Once you feel up to it try and find a baby group, can you travel to nearest town/city once a week if nothing local? Is there a local FB group, could you ask if any new mums fancy a walk/coffee?

To add, I pumped for the first couple of weeks but wasn’t doing much - probably got 4 oz a day out. It stressed me out and my brilliant HV and GP both said to stop and crack on exclusively with formula. Great advice. Being pushed to keep going with bf when you’re struggling is cruel - it leads to misery and babies don’t need a miserable mum. They need a rested and calm mum.

By the time I had DS2 almost 8 years later I was determined not to put myself through the same stress. I wrote in my birth plan that the baby would decide how to feed!! When a mw asked me what on earth that meant, I’m afraid I responded very bluntly about how that was my experience. She backed off.

In my view, breast is best - if it works. But it is not best if it causes stress and misery. The breast is best campaign has been taken too far in my view. Thank God we had an old school mw at our antenatal sessions who ignored the pressure and demonstrated how to correctly make up bottles. She said she wasn’t supposed to - can you imagine the stupidity of that directive?

Take each day as it comes. Shower and dress - and try to get out if you can.

It does get easier!!

Sorry just read that you have no local
baby groups. Do you have a local facebook group? Apps people use to meet?
I am from a tiny village in a different country and people organise themselves on different fb groups called “town xxx mums” etx etc

good that you manage to get fresh air every day!

Congratulations on your baby! Sounds like you had quite the journey and a very difficult birth.
It’s brilliant that he is gaining weight and sleeping welll.
enjoy the contact naps, important for bonding, watch a box set or new series and have a tea in a thermos.
Maybe you could buy a sling, it’s spring, go for short walks, enjoy the flowers and fresh air and have a coffee.
check your local fb page for mum and baby groups, even weekly coffee meet ups. You will need local friends.

Amazing your mum can help, don’t get too stressed about the household, you and your baby are priority now. If you can afford it, book a deep clean.
Keep looking after yourself: daily showers, vitamins, eat well, go for small daily walks. Everything gets easier every day wirh a newborn.

You got this! All the best.

OP I'm just adding to the masses here

I had a traumatic birth with DS1 and I remember sitting in the hospital after he arrived thinking I'd ruined my life and asking myself why I didn't feel that flood of love. It is totally normal!!

I had a very slow burn maternal bond with DS1 that happened over maybe the first 8 weeks. It happened in small increments.

I also struggled to breastfeed and remember getting so stressed and worked up every time night came and I knew I'd have to try and BF

I was also terrified of creating 'bad habits' so tried to avoid all the things people tell you not to do-don't let them get used to napping on you, try and be the only one to feed them etc

My DH and I also argued constantly as we were both so sleep deprived

Something clicked at around 8 weeks and my lovely MIL gently told me to stop giving myself such a hard time and focus on just doing whatever I needed to in order to make life easier for myself

So I stopped BF, moved to formula, got a perfect prep machine, moved to anti reflex as baby seemed uncomfortable, let everyone who wanted to feed him do so, filled the freezer with ready meals, stopped obsessing over all the apps that tell you what they should be doing that week, stopped trying to stick to any schedule at all and if baby looked tired, put them down regardless of what they 'should' be doing, let them nap on me, coslept (you get the idea!)....

Oh my god. Life suddenly became easier. I relaxed, let others have him for a few hours so I could sleep and allowed myself some down time

Honestly honestly it will get easier. He is 4 now and the most mummy's boy you could meet so that initial period of uncertainty I had hasn't affected him at all

Good luck OP and sorry for the long post

Sorry excuse all the typos. My keyboard is so flipping small and I don't proof read - whoops!