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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who's the problematic one here?

110 replies

Isitameproblem · 04/04/2024 09:38

I'll start by saying I love my DH very much but he kind be unsupportive.
I have self image issues, I struggle with my size and weight (but mostly weight).
For most of my life I've been overweight apart from a couple of years (when I mety DH).
I can reduce in size, but it's very difficult for me to lose any weight. My DH has always been skinny and overall has never been that bothered.
For the past 10 weeks we've started a new regime, I do an average of 6 hours of cardio and around 3/4 of strength training per week. I eat OK, but overall I still eat the same amount/diet as before. I really haven't lost any weight, but you can tell I've toned up considerably (especially around my arms and you can see the middle line in my abs).
My weight has remained the same, apart from when I went away for a few days and I ate all sort sof street food and didn't exercise for about 10 days. Back to my weekly routine I gained what I lost! I came to the conclusion that exercise does make me retain water.
So I talked to my DH about it. His first answer is that it most me carbs (but remember my diet and weight have overall remained the same) and that he has never heard about retaining water due to exercise. Remember we've been together for six years, and have had a similar conversations with him, and he always tells me all different theories of why I'm not losing weight. I always end up annoyed as his words are never of support but mostly about what I'm most likely doing wrong.

All I needed was a "yeah that makes sense" or even a "don't worry about you've definitely shrunk, so it shouldn't matter" but no instead he always comes back with a counter argument or even disbelief if what I'm saying (as he's never heard about it before, but I've definitely mentioned many times over the years that I think that's a likely cause).

Sadly, I don't think I can actually talk to him about it, even though it does bother me.

He never calls me fat or anything, but as much I do think I probably look slim, I weight the same as before I had children and I was definitely chubby back then.

OP posts:
chocolatemademefat · 04/04/2024 09:55

You want him to wave a magic wand but he can’t. You need to make better food choices and eat less and move more. It’s down to you what you put in your mouth - there isn’t a magic formula - and believe me I spent years looking for one. I resorted to paying for a gastric sleeve and now I’m forced to eat less. Guess what - it works.

Stop kidding yourself about water retention - it’s your body and only you can do something about it. He’s probably bored listening to you.

Original poster
Isitameproblem · 04/04/2024 09:55

Eloraa · 04/04/2024 09:51

Maybe he’s very bored of you going on about your weight?

I don't think so. I now rarely talk about it, because it never really ends well.

The thing is that he always come with these conclusions like "run more" when I was training for a marathon I was still the same weight (give or take) - if anything I think I'm better shape now.

Or for example the carbs thing, but even in his own opinion I don't eat enough.

OP posts:
GRex · 04/04/2024 09:54

If you don't like his input, you're going to have to either stop discussing it with him or tell him exactly what you want him to say.

I also retain water with new muscle growth, then it drops off quite suddenly a couple of weeks later. Then anorher plateau, then drop. So well done, keep going, it's frustrating but the results will come eventually.

WandaWonder · 04/04/2024 09:53

Eloraa · 04/04/2024 09:51

Maybe he’s very bored of you going on about your weight?

Yes this, you'd your thing and he does his

MonsteraMama · 04/04/2024 09:52

This is quite typical of men (I don't mean that in a bad way, just their minds seem to operate differently to ours!), they're problem solvers and solution finders. So when you present them with something that's bothering you they want to try and find a solution, when really all you wanted was a sympathetic ear. Happens all the time.

In his way he's trying to be supportive by suggesting other solutions or possibilities. He wants to Solve the Problem. You just want him to agree with you and support you and be sympathetic. Neither of you are wrong, you're just speaking different languages at the moment.

Just explain to him the kind of support you need from him. Sometimes you do just have to lay it out clearly instead of expecting someone to just know what you want instinctively.

Eloraa · 04/04/2024 09:51

Maybe he’s very bored of you going on about your weight?

Wafflefudge · 04/04/2024 09:50

I don't really understand what your saying about your weight so I'm unclear what you are wanting from him.
Did you want support on how to lose weight as it sounds like that's what he's trying to offer you.
I think you need to explain a bit better what you mean here to know if he's being unreasonable or not. From what I've understood I think maybe he's just trying to offer advice as you aren't getting the results you want but I might have misunderstood.

KalaMush · 04/04/2024 09:50

I'm also an overweight woman with a very slim husband. I think it's difficult for him to understand why I don't just eat a bit less and lose weight. He tries to be helpful when I'm trying to lose but he just doesn't really understand! I don't think your husband's comments sound that bad tbh?

Original poster
Isitameproblem · 04/04/2024 09:49

VerityUnreasonble · 04/04/2024 09:45

He is trying to help you solve a problem - which is what he thinks you want - so is trying to be supportive in a way.

You actually want a different type of support. Have you explained this to him?

Sometimes, we need to be really clear with people when we don't want solutions. We just want someone to listen and empathise.

Yes I've told him this 20 million times. Including with weight related conversations.

OP posts:
VerityUnreasonble · 04/04/2024 09:45

He is trying to help you solve a problem - which is what he thinks you want - so is trying to be supportive in a way.

You actually want a different type of support. Have you explained this to him?

Sometimes, we need to be really clear with people when we don't want solutions. We just want someone to listen and empathise.