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Original poster

To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

722 replies

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:16

My husband has two older children and we have younger DC together.

Since they have been older (12 & 14) he has got into the habit of leaving them at home at the weekend whilst he goes to work (SE so can definitely choose whether to go or not) often not telling me about this until the night before / day of.

He will say it doesn't matter because they are old enough to look after themselves so makes no difference to me. Fine.

I have taken to thinking well I'll just get on with my day then as normal if he says it makes no difference to me I.e. Still going out with the little ones etc..

He will make comments about this though sometimes like if I'm out over lunch time asking me if DSC have eaten, what they have for lunch, should be making sure they have something. Or even sometimes saying it's mean of me not to take DSC out with me if I end up going somewhere they might light for example I once had a trip to a big aquarium/zoo place planned with my sister and our younger children and he was pissed that I didn't immediately take DSC with me when I found out he had decided to go in work, instead they stayed home alone all day.

I just think he wants his cake and to eat it too. You can't say oh it makes no difference to you because they can look after themselves so I'm going out and then in the same breath moan about me not looking after them? Can they look after themselves or not? If they can then it shouldn't matter that I get on with my day, if they can't then he should be at home or at the very least asking me if it's okay.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 04/04/2024 18:47

paulaparticles · 04/04/2024 18:43

I presume his wage all goes in the same pot ? so you and the children can benefit from it. So work as a team and help to parent together. Cant be benefiting from his wage while calling him unreasonable for working. Can't have it both ways either.
Bad communication.

He benefits from her wage too, if it all goes in the same pot. She works full time as well as looks after his children.

The adoration on MN for the big strong wage earning man never ceases to amaze me!

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 18:46

paulaparticles · 04/04/2024 18:43

I presume his wage all goes in the same pot ? so you and the children can benefit from it. So work as a team and help to parent together. Cant be benefiting from his wage while calling him unreasonable for working. Can't have it both ways either.
Bad communication.

She does - their joint kids. OP works full time herself and has fewer kids to support, yet her stepchildren also benefit from her financial contributions.

No, she still doesn’t need to parent his older children.

edited - ah! So she pays half for everything, so in fact she’s proportionally making a greater contribution than he is.

RawBloomers · 04/04/2024 18:46

diddl · 04/04/2024 18:31

But none of those parents are just pissing off when their children are at theirs specifically to spend time with them are they?

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The kids live with their dad half the time. They aren’t there “specifically to spend time with” him anymore than a child who lives in the same house all the time is there specifically to spend time with the parents.

Yetagain35 · 04/04/2024 18:46

It’s your DP at fault OP more than you . It’s just basic kindness though to make sure these DSCs have what they need for the day . Fully get they might well want to do their own thing all day anyway . Both of mine would quite happily be out all day with their friends , but at that age they also still want family time too . Reckon you and DP need a conversation about this rather than it being an argument though . A bit of compromise is needed about weekend working and what happens when it’s necessary

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 18:46

paulaparticles · 04/04/2024 18:43

I presume his wage all goes in the same pot ? so you and the children can benefit from it. So work as a team and help to parent together. Cant be benefiting from his wage while calling him unreasonable for working. Can't have it both ways either.
Bad communication.

OP pays half of everything, you presume wrong... again.

Every single scenario you made up to make OP look and feel awful has been wrong so far. Every single one. You can keep trying , or simply accept OP is not the wicked stepmother you want her to be.

Vod · 04/04/2024 18:45

Yetagain35 · 04/04/2024 18:29

You’ve missed the paragraph in which I said I’ve done days out with mixed age groups ( I have an adult DSD) .

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Nope, saw it. Actually it makes the fact that you chose a non mixed age group, toddler free example to tell OP her DSD would've helped look after the kids even more telling.

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 18:44

@TeenLifeMum so you do sometimes. Just like OP does SOMETIMES. The only one who's absent regularly is the dad.

Sometimes she's home, sometimes she asks the SC to go but they don't want to and if they want to they join,sometimes she goes out with just the little ones because that was the plan.

paulaparticles · 04/04/2024 18:43

I presume his wage all goes in the same pot ? so you and the children can benefit from it. So work as a team and help to parent together. Cant be benefiting from his wage while calling him unreasonable for working. Can't have it both ways either.
Bad communication.

TeenLifeMum · 04/04/2024 18:42

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 18:35

So you never made plans with just your kids without your husband? Or where you took one somewhere and the other stayed home with dad?

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Not regularly no.

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2024 18:41

Would the OP scoop out her kidneys with a spoon for her step DC? If not, she should do better! 😂

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 18:41

Janiie · 04/04/2024 18:03

'How are they ‘as bad as each other’? One is the parent actually responsible for providing care for his children. The other is OP who quite reasonably isn’t prepared to just accept what her husband is trying to dump on her. His failings aren’t on her.'

Because adults should do better. The kids deserve better. The op shouldn't treat her stepkids like guests, they are part of the family, her dc's siblings. They should not just be 'asked' but actually made to feel welcome.

Of course her dh is a shit but she married him, then had more kids with him! Confused

And in families kids sometimes get left on their own or they stay home while their siblings do something else.

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 18:39

Janiie · 04/04/2024 18:33

'Yes I do. Would you like a list?'

'I make evening meals 9 days out of 10 which they eat. I wash their clothes, bed clothes, sports kits. I hoover their room most of the time and often end up tidying it too. I pick them up from hobbies on my way home from work during the week most of the time. I pay half for our holidays, food they eat, the home they live in and so on.'

but do you like them cos it doesn't some across if so. Maybe that's why they decline your occasional gracious invites. Cooking and cleaning are admirable but social skills more so imo.

There is clearly an axe to grind with errant dh and who can blame you. Stop taking it out on the kids though.

So we went from horrible woman you do nothing for the kids, to well you make them lunch and invite them out sometimes but do you do anything else for them, to well you do most of the things for them but do you like them? What's next? You like them.. but do you love them? You love them but would you give them your kidney?

How fucking much should a stepmum to at least be considered ok and enough?

MissHarrietBede · 04/04/2024 18:38

There is clearly an axe to grind with errant dh and who can blame you. Stop taking it out on the kids though.

OMG 😂

PaperDoIIs · 04/04/2024 18:35

TeenLifeMum · 04/04/2024 18:20

The thing I can’t get my head around in this post is that you are regularly organising things on Saturdays for your younger dc and not factoring in dh or dsc. Presumably you planned to take younger ones and leave dh with older two - reality being he’d just be home while they game and ignore him. You’re not working as a family and dh is opting out. The set up is weird like a two tier family and while dh is mostly responsible, you’re not blameless.

So you never made plans with just your kids without your husband? Or where you took one somewhere and the other stayed home with dad?

Janiie · 04/04/2024 18:33

'Yes I do. Would you like a list?'

'I make evening meals 9 days out of 10 which they eat. I wash their clothes, bed clothes, sports kits. I hoover their room most of the time and often end up tidying it too. I pick them up from hobbies on my way home from work during the week most of the time. I pay half for our holidays, food they eat, the home they live in and so on.'

but do you like them cos it doesn't some across if so. Maybe that's why they decline your occasional gracious invites. Cooking and cleaning are admirable but social skills more so imo.

There is clearly an axe to grind with errant dh and who can blame you. Stop taking it out on the kids though.

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 18:33

Janiie · 04/04/2024 18:03

'How are they ‘as bad as each other’? One is the parent actually responsible for providing care for his children. The other is OP who quite reasonably isn’t prepared to just accept what her husband is trying to dump on her. His failings aren’t on her.'

Because adults should do better. The kids deserve better. The op shouldn't treat her stepkids like guests, they are part of the family, her dc's siblings. They should not just be 'asked' but actually made to feel welcome.

Of course her dh is a shit but she married him, then had more kids with him! Confused

They’re not her responsibility. If they deserve better then the person who is letting them down is their father, not OP.

It isn’t up to her to pick up after him because he’s neglecting his responsibilities, and ‘do it for the kids’ in reality just means ‘shut up and do it anyway’. Fuck that.

diddl · 04/04/2024 18:31

HollyKnight · 04/04/2024 15:42

What do you think single parents do? Or military families? Or families where one parent works at the weekend?

Even in my very average two-parent family, DH takes the boy to football, I take the little one to the petting farm, and my teen lazes around at home, all on her own, making her own lunch. She doesn't care. She's not suffering.

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But none of those parents are just pissing off when their children are at theirs specifically to spend time with them are they?

Yetagain35 · 04/04/2024 18:29

Vod · 04/04/2024 17:21

A 12 and 14 year old might well have liked a trip to an aquarium OP - I’ve recently taken my 13 and 15 year old DS - they don’t remember going as little kids at all . They enjoyed it and they enjoyed being taken for lunch after ! Your DSC would have probably helped with your own DC and it might have been a good experience.

I notice you don't mention going with multiple preschoolers! Whether they'd like an aquarium plus lunch out somewhere afterwards is not the same question as whether they'd like going on the trip OP had already arranged with someone else. And we have no idea whether they'd have been fine helping.

Additionally, these teens don't seem to like getting out of bed at the time small children are up. Yours may, I don't know, but that's another thing to factor in here.

Basically there's a big difference between taking teens to a venue when you've planned a trip tailored to them, and them being grafted onto a trip planned around your own and someone else's under 5s at the last minute.

You’ve missed the paragraph in which I said I’ve done days out with mixed age groups ( I have an adult DSD) .

Springtime2024 · 04/04/2024 18:27

How do women end up taking on all the grunt work for their partner’s kids? Is it a boiled frog scenario where you offer to do a couple of things and before you know it you are doing everything?

ToryHater · 04/04/2024 18:22

i dont think you understand that running your own business in reality means, extra hours are not optional, not if you want to be successful and grow anyway

TeenLifeMum · 04/04/2024 18:20

The thing I can’t get my head around in this post is that you are regularly organising things on Saturdays for your younger dc and not factoring in dh or dsc. Presumably you planned to take younger ones and leave dh with older two - reality being he’d just be home while they game and ignore him. You’re not working as a family and dh is opting out. The set up is weird like a two tier family and while dh is mostly responsible, you’re not blameless.

Noodlesmumm · 04/04/2024 18:19

Totally in agreement with op here x

femfemlicious · 04/04/2024 18:17

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:34

Is there normally a chat or do you just sail out of the door when they're in bed. I'm thinking along the lines of "right kids, your dad is in work and I said I'd meet Tina in the park for a few hours with the little ones, you all good? There's plenty in the fridge for lunch, see you later, text if you need anything"

Yes I always let them know I'm going out, check they are good. Sometimes, depending what I'm doing, I will ask if they want to come but they often say no anyway.

I think that's fine. I think you should have explained this in your post. You are going to get ripped apart. Sounded like the kids were miserable at home alone

RawBloomers · 04/04/2024 18:12

notyetretired · 04/04/2024 16:59

How sad. I thought the idea was that when you become a stepparent that you blend and become a parent, essentially. OP did get into a relationship with a man who had children.

I'd suggest men/women avoid getting into relationships with married people or those who have kids if they're not prepared to step in properly.

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I think it’s pretty rare for the children or the other parents to welcome a third person as another full parent when families blend.

While some do manage it, especially when one of the parents is basically MIA and the kids are young when the step-parent comes on the scene, usually step-parents have a secondary role from the step-children’s parents and with good reason. The bonds, the shared values, trust and understanding that develop as children grow cannot be instantly created with another adult. Developing them to the same scope when there are already well developed relationships in place is difficult and often unwelcome (because to do so means the step-parent’s values influencing the expectations for the children and all the relationships involved).

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/04/2024 18:11

I don't understand why you're getting so much interrogation and grief on this thread @PickledFrog Your husband is being unreasonable. He absolutely should be asking or having a discussion with you about this, rather than expecting you to fulfil the role of parent without any notice because he's made a choice to go out.

I feel sad for the children with both of their biological children seemingly not that interested in spending lots of quality time with them.

@PickledFrog you are not being unreasonable, and yes, your husband doesn't get to have it both ways. He needs to talk to you about weekend plans in advance, and not expect you to be default parent without your agreement.