To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

Out of curiosity @PickledFrog .

Do you consider him a good Dad?

That's exactly what I mean.

The Dad and apparently the mum are leaving the kids alone all day on the weekends.

That's awful.

As the stepmum I'd leave him because I wouldn't be with anyone who treated their kids like this.

As the stepmum I'd be livid and heartbroken that no one seems to care about these kids being alone.

I wouldn't stay with a man who did that.

I'm very protective of children. I wouldn't be ok witnessing this.

My ds talks to me all the time. My 13 yo niece has been messaging me all day because she's struggling with her mental health today.

Teens need parents. 12 isn't even a teen.

You quite clearly don’t understand how being self employed works

And yet they don't, while at an age where they can definitely make their wishes on. So maybe, just maybe they're not you and not particularly bothered about this set up?

You're assuming their mum's house is their main house. That's not how it is when it's 50/50. They aren't "visiting" their dad.

At 12 and 14 they’re at an age where they can communicate that they don’t want to go to their father’s house, yet they don’t seem to be doing that. They’re also at an age where they can tell their mother how their day was, yet there doesn’t seem to be an issue there either.

'Why do you think the kids would say they don’t want to live there (they aren’t visiting, this is much their home as their mother’s place) anymore? '

They might say they don't want to visit because the df is at work and his wife is clearly busy. Not a particularly welcoming household is it? I'd stop going if I were them.

Right, so the dad should stay home with them to bond and interact. That's what you mean, no? Not that the stepmum should stay home and do all that, right?

12 and 14 are still young to me.

Do people really have 12 yo's who sleep until 1 pm and stay alone all day?

Just because the kids aren't complaining doesn't mean it's all ok.

My ds is 13 and I still engage with him and bond on the weekends. He's the best. I want to spend time with.

I would never leave him alone all weekend.

Then he shouldn’t ignore them and leave them to it for the day, should he?

Why do you think the kids would say they don’t want to live there (they aren’t visiting, this is much their home as their mother’s place) anymore? Nothing OP has said indicates they have a worse life at their father’s house than they do at their mothers, and nothing the OP has said indicates that she dislikes them being there. The only think OP has complained about is her DH’s double standards in hassling her for treating the kids the way he does.

You do not have to have kids with someone to know they will be a shit Dad.

Especially if he already has kids!

I know lots of shitty dad's because I have eyes.

@PickledFrog

I think I get where you're coming from. But how does the convo go?

Him: I'm working tomorrow/today.
You: OK, but your kids are here.
Him: It's OK they can take care of themselves.
You: OK, but remember that XX and I are taking the toddlers to <insert toddler friendly destination> and they aren't going to want to go. We'll be gone all day so they'll have to fend for themselves for breakfast & lunch. There's food in the cupboards/fridge for them.
Him: It's OK they can take care of themselves.

If he called me after the above, I'd be cheesed off because the situation was made clear to him.

Or is it:

Him: I'm working tomorrow/today.
You: OK, but your kids are here.
Him: It's OK they can take care of themselves.
You <to yourself>: (Well, I'm not going to say a thing about XX and me being gone all day. He says his DC can fend for themselves and he's right. They'll be fine).

If he called me after that convo, I wouldn't be surprised. He probably would have thought I was home.

The first is reasonable and lets him know that you will NOT be available to feed and supervise. The second is bound to lead to problems because he would likely be assuming you'd be home.

I didn't have younger siblings, but at your DH's DC's ages I had toddler niblings. I'd have rather chewed glass than go to something suitable for them when I could stay in, lie in, and (in my case) read teen 'romances' or talk on the phone. And nothing was better than scrounging thru the kitchen and making a (relatively unhealthy) meal for myself!

Well said! I agree 💯

@paulaparticles since OP is subsidising him by paying half, no he doesn't. Try again.

Yes. Her problem is with her DH. There are no problems with the kids. They are happy. Their needs are accounted for.

That’s why OP hasn’t asked whether the step-children are being well looked after - because she and both their parents know they are. She’s asked if her DH is being an arse by applying double standards to her and hassling when she takes him at his word.

None of this is about the kids needs, it’s about a man’s expectation of performative mothering by his partner that goes beyond his own actions as a father.

Having read all the op's posts, there is no negativity towards the children, it's towards her husband's presumption that she will mind both their children and the step children when he decides to pick up work at the weekend without any consideration for her plans.

They have 50:50 custody so the children are very comfortable and settled in their father and Op's home, they are not being mistreated or neglected when not dragged to nursery age activities.

The Op works full time and minds her own children all weekend, is their father being 100% responsible for all of his children at a different time to allow the Op choose to work or have some free time.

This thread was about the husband's reaction towards her when she brings his younger children out of the house for socialisation and exercise. He can't expect her to sit in all day with two young children just because his older children who are tween/teen might want a sandwich for lunch.

Your husband needs to stay in for a weekend with all four children while you do some extra work and see if he enjoys it. I would give very little prior notice of this work as well. Maybe your sister needs you for a day or two next weekend and you can't bring the children :)

Working is not an excuse for not fulfilling your responsibilities to your children.

It is when you have a penis, apparently.

Millions of women organise their work around their children. Millions. They don’t just announce ‘I’m working’ and leave everyone else to scramble around picking up the pieces. They work when it’s appropriate for their childcare responsibilities - even if that means they can’t work as much as they’d like to.

He’s self employed; he does get to decide when he works. He’s entirely in control of it.

If his choice of work is incompatible with family life, he needs to change job. Again millions of women do just this.

But he’s a man, so we are all supposed to bend over backwards to accommodate his work choices.

You have tried everything to somehow shame the OP for not being grateful that he’s working and rushing in to do her duty as a woman to be the childcare. It’s ridiculous.

Working is not an excuse for not fulfilling your responsibilities to your childre.

Self employed people need to work then it's there they don't get to pick and choose.

NOT a need. He CHOSE to.

He's working. Not having a fling (well, that we know of).

Self employed people need to work then it's there they don't get to pick and choose.

Saying his kids don't need looking after isn't the same as just ignoring them and leave them to it for the day.

He needs to ask his kids if they actually want to visit anymore. Probably relief all round if they say no thanks.

He's got a cheek hasnt he! Of course they need a parent around, 12 & 14 are not old enough to be regularly left alone all day. But instead he pretends this is not the case, and the gets shitty with you for not doing his job of taking care of them - when he wont even acknowledge it needs to be done, let alone have the common decency to ask you first. Id struggle to have any respect for this man as a partner and a father.

Then he needs to sort out childcare for his older two without dumping it on OP.

Jesus wept. Some people will do anything to justify men’s shit behaviour.