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Original poster

To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

722 replies

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:16

My husband has two older children and we have younger DC together.

Since they have been older (12 & 14) he has got into the habit of leaving them at home at the weekend whilst he goes to work (SE so can definitely choose whether to go or not) often not telling me about this until the night before / day of.

He will say it doesn't matter because they are old enough to look after themselves so makes no difference to me. Fine.

I have taken to thinking well I'll just get on with my day then as normal if he says it makes no difference to me I.e. Still going out with the little ones etc..

He will make comments about this though sometimes like if I'm out over lunch time asking me if DSC have eaten, what they have for lunch, should be making sure they have something. Or even sometimes saying it's mean of me not to take DSC out with me if I end up going somewhere they might light for example I once had a trip to a big aquarium/zoo place planned with my sister and our younger children and he was pissed that I didn't immediately take DSC with me when I found out he had decided to go in work, instead they stayed home alone all day.

I just think he wants his cake and to eat it too. You can't say oh it makes no difference to you because they can look after themselves so I'm going out and then in the same breath moan about me not looking after them? Can they look after themselves or not? If they can then it shouldn't matter that I get on with my day, if they can't then he should be at home or at the very least asking me if it's okay.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 04/04/2024 07:36

It's a sad predicament for those two DSC. Ping pong. They mustn't feel wanted.

Original poster
PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:36

Vod · 04/04/2024 07:34

Not surprising. The 14 year old in particular probably isn't that arsed for going to an aquarium or zoo with a group of preschoolers.

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Well yes exactly 9 times out of 10 they are still in bed when I leave (always wake them to say bye etc..) but they aren't going to get up early morning to go out with me and I'm not waiting around for them to get up either.

OP posts:
Original poster
PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:34

Is there normally a chat or do you just sail out of the door when they're in bed. I'm thinking along the lines of "right kids, your dad is in work and I said I'd meet Tina in the park for a few hours with the little ones, you all good? There's plenty in the fridge for lunch, see you later, text if you need anything"

Yes I always let them know I'm going out, check they are good. Sometimes, depending what I'm doing, I will ask if they want to come but they often say no anyway.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 04/04/2024 07:34

I just can't imagine finding anything remotely attractive about a man like this! I couldn't have any form of intimacy or respect for someone who would treat their children like this.

At least you're both scoring points at their expense I guess.

Vod · 04/04/2024 07:34

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:24

I would feed them if I were there and making lunch obviously. But if I have plans to go to a soft play for example with the little ones I'm not cancelling that so I can stay home to look after DSC who apparently don't need me to look after them (according to DH).

DSC are fine. They usually end up out with friends playing football or gaming. The odd time I've asked if they want to come out with me they've said no thanks anyway.

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Not surprising. The 14 year old in particular probably isn't that arsed for going to an aquarium or zoo with a group of preschoolers.

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 07:32

Josette77 · 04/04/2024 07:29

But why couldn't they have been invited?

How long has he been working on the weekends? Is this a new thing? Was he a good dad before?

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Because the DH doesn’t get to change her plans because it’s convenient for him.

He thought he could force her into acting as childcare, and if she’d have done that then he would absolutely have repeated the same behaviour in future due to it getting him what he wanted.

It wasn’t on her to change her plans ‘for the kids’ (and it’s always women that are expected to, it seens) it was on him, for HIS kids.

Bootskates · 04/04/2024 07:32

I get your point, I really do but it does sound horrible for the kids.

I think you need to have it out with him and come to a resolution, as much as I agree he's in the wrong it's not a nice way to treat them.

Is there normally a chat or do you just sail out of the door when they're in bed. I'm thinking along the lines of "right kids, your dad is in work and I said I'd meet Tina in the park for a few hours with the little ones, you all good? There's plenty in the fridge for lunch, see you later, text if you need anything"

Josette77 · 04/04/2024 07:29

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:27

The aquarium was a day out with my sister and our similarly aged young children (nursery aged so big gap) planned well in advance which DH knew about.

But why couldn't they have been invited?

How long has he been working on the weekends? Is this a new thing? Was he a good dad before?

Josette77 · 04/04/2024 07:27

PsychoHotSauce · 04/04/2024 07:24

Agree, but let's not blame the OP for any of this. What kind of father deliberately books optional work during his contact time?

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I agree but I'm also not going to let someone who has known those kids since they were young off the hook for deliberately leaving them out of fun outings.

I can't imagine being ok with watching kids I love being neglected.

I would be pissed at my DH, but I would never punish the kids for that.

Original poster
PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:27

The aquarium was a day out with my sister and our similarly aged young children (nursery aged so big gap) planned well in advance which DH knew about.

OP posts:
PoisonMaple · 04/04/2024 07:27

You're both at fault.

Him for being a shit and lazy Dad.

You for not caring enough to include them every now and then. Although I do understand your position. But how crap for those children.

I have a 12 and 10 year old. They'd feel hurt and like they don't matter.

He needs to make better decisions in relation to his children. If I were you, I'd be thinking about if I want to be with someone as selfish as him. One day, you may split up, one day that May be your precious children left alone all the time.

Friend2023 · 04/04/2024 07:27

The kids are the pawns in this argument sadly :(
You're trying to make a point but neither of you are thinking of them.
It must be rubbish for them sitting at home all day by themselves when it's not their actual home .
You won't have many more years where they will want to do stuff with either of you , enjoy them whilst you can.

DustyLee123 · 04/04/2024 07:24

Just remember that he’d treat your kids the same if you split up. He’s not a good dad.

Original poster
PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:24

Anameisaname · 04/04/2024 07:21

YANBU because he should be taking more of an interest in what his kids are doing.
But also it sounds like you are not a family and you don't treat your DSC as family. So I can't imagine how you wouldn't even offer to feed them or invite them to places. These are not brand new DSC but presumably kids you've known for years and have relationships with and who are siblings of your DC. So why wouldn't you include them on some stuff at least? Don't need to specifically factor them in but it sounds more like you are deliberately excluding them to make a point for your DH. Maybe explore why that is and talking to him about it

Edited

I would feed them if I were there and making lunch obviously. But if I have plans to go to a soft play for example with the little ones I'm not cancelling that so I can stay home to look after DSC who apparently don't need me to look after them (according to DH).

DSC are fine. They usually end up out with friends playing football or gaming. The odd time I've asked if they want to come out with me they've said no thanks anyway.

OP posts:
PsychoHotSauce · 04/04/2024 07:24

LegalAlienWooHoo · 04/04/2024 07:21

Poor kids

Agree, but let's not blame the OP for any of this. What kind of father deliberately books optional work during his contact time?

PuttingDownRoots · 04/04/2024 07:24

Are they there every weekend? It does seema bit strange to organise big trips like zoos when they are there but not take them (or offer to take them).

But he shouldn't be leaving it all to you

DisforDarkChocolate · 04/04/2024 07:23

Poor kids but you're right, left to himself he sees you as a default parent and not him.

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 04/04/2024 07:23

I think it would have been nice for you to ask if they wanted to go to the zoo/lunch, you're technically excluding them. Maybe that's what he means. He's also working not out on the piss.

Josette77 · 04/04/2024 07:22

I think this is depressing ASF for the kids.

Your husband is an awful Dad.

How is he with the younger kids?

His older kids are being treated like crap by him.

Frankly though I can't imagine leaving them at home all day though while you go to the aquarium. What sort of relationship do you have with them?

Does their mom know this is how they are treated at your place? I'd be livid.

If my kids were being left alone all day while their Dad went to work and stepmom had fun out with their younger siblings I would lose my shit.

That's awful. Very negligent.

Tontostitis · 04/04/2024 07:22

Well you're not wrong he needs to parent his children and if you think this strategy will force him to step up keep it up. Does he treat your joint children any better than his first family? Quite frankly he sounds pretty awful and if there's another strategy that puts the children first I'd be trying that.

Anameisaname · 04/04/2024 07:21

YANBU because he should be taking more of an interest in what his kids are doing.
But also it sounds like you are not a family and you don't treat your DSC as family. So I can't imagine how you wouldn't even offer to feed them or invite them to places. These are not brand new DSC but presumably kids you've known for years and have relationships with and who are siblings of your DC. So why wouldn't you include them on some stuff at least? Don't need to specifically factor them in but it sounds more like you are deliberately excluding them to make a point for your DH. Maybe explore why that is and talking to him about it

LegalAlienWooHoo · 04/04/2024 07:21

Poor kids