To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

Context and perspective which can clearly be gained from reading the OPs posts. This issue focuses on a subset of the relationship, not the whole one, and again, please take into account the age gaps.

If a woman with 4 biological children of these ages posted along the lines of "my DH chooses to work on a Saturday when he doesn't need to leaving me with four kids to juggle" I don't think she'd be getting responses of "Well you've got to do something with all of them..."

Given OP says she cooks for the teens 9/10 times then logic should tell you she is with the dc in the evenings, Janiie.

I have a teenager and also toddlers. The teen generally prefers being left to own devices rather then doing toddler activities.
Today the toddlers are in childcare and teen is off school so we have day planned around the teen.
The OP’s DH should stop being so shit and spend a couple hours with them on a Saturday before they decide not to bother coming over anymore. By OP keeping the shared DC occupied it allows the DH to do something with the teens on their level. Teenagers don’t want to hang around preschoolers all the time.

'OPhasn’t told you anything about what she does on a Saturday evening or Sunday because her AIBU has nothing to do with it'

It has everything to do with it! Are the older kids ignored and left to their own devices the whole visit or does their df and his wife actually do something with them at any time. Context and perspective is needed. If they stay home alone whilst their siblings get taken out but then all go out together at some point then that's fine.

She didn’t, and we don’t know whether they did or didn’t. The point is that you’ve decided that they didn’t, and that this one snapshot is their entire life 50% of the time.

One issue of minor disagreement, even if repeated a handful of times, doesn’t make for a miserable environment or home. You’re wildly extrapolating.

Oh I'm sorry, I missed the bit where the op said they go out as a family on the Sat evening and all day Sunday. In which case leaving a couple of visiting teens in bed for a few hours on a Sat may be acceptable afterall.

I'm not 'making up one lie up after another'. The op's resentment with her shit husband is very apparent, the older kids will certainly have picked up on it making for a miserable household all round. Lovely.

Slightly different for me in that we don't have any shared children, and our respective children are all teens

But my DP does this. His view is our home is his children's home too, so he doesn't have to do special things when they are here, they just have a normal life, and he often works a weekend.

Their idea of a normal life is getting up at 2pm, then staring at screens until 2am

If my DP goes out to work I offer lunch/ outings/ seeing my family/ playing sport etc with my DC. If they don't want to I leave them to it. DP wouldn't moan though, he'd leave them if I didn't exist, so it shouldn't make any difference

No way would I be hanging around all day if I had little toddlers, they need to get out, especially if I worked full time

Have you spoken to DH, OP?

You are being completely reasonable, OP. Your DH needs to spend at least half of weekends with his children, even if they're happy to be without him. It doesn't matter that his kids are older. He's still their Dad, and he needs to start attaching some value to their time there.

So now we went from a day out with toddlers(which is never an actual full day out) to the whole weekend.

And you're still insisting some kids you never met must be miserable.

Sounds like he doesn't do much with them either.
Does he ever take his 4 kids out and give you a break @PickledFrog or is it all left to you.
Seems like he's using work as an excuse to not parent.

I've a 12,14 and 16 year old and they're at the age they don't want to come out with us,so I'm assuming the DSC are the same.

And I assume people work because they need to maybe ? I can’t grasp this putting his children aside . If I’m out of the house I expect hubby to take care if the family his, mine and ours , and o do the same . It’s not rocket science . It’s being a family . Just in case your reading comprehension doesn’t understand the meaning of family

Seriously, this snotty comment about comprehension with a blanket statement about ‘faaamily’ is a bit ironic.

The OP has said that:

1. He is choosing to work; he doesn’t have to
2. He decides to work with no discussion and only lets the OP know at the last minute
3. They have separate finances, so there is no benefit to her from him deciding to work
4. She works FT and is paying half of everything - even though she’s got two kids and he’s got 4 (so lecturing her about not doing enough is ridiculous).

If your ‘hubby’ just buggers off at the last minute with no consultation and expects you to pick up the slack at home, that’s not ‘being a family’ - it’s him being shit and expecting you to be a doormat.

Unless you think the meaning of being a family is that women do all the drudge work and should just be grateful they have a husband who works?

Are you reading a different thread?

The one doing the criticising is the parent with the other kids, and applying a double standard.

I don't understand the point of someone dating or being in a relationship with someone who has kids if all they do is complain about the kids or the other parent, and constantly undermine and criticize them.

Where has she said they are left on devices for the “whole weekend”?

Why are you just making up one lie after another?

'You've clearly got an awesome to grind with stepmothers. Stop taking it out on op though'

No axe to grind with the wives of fathers who have other kids. Like many I have plenty of experience of mixed families.

My point, once again, is the df is shit yes but so is leaving the 2 young teens to their on devices for the whole weekend. Just because the df cba doesn't mean it's ok for the op to opt out too. She needs to talk to her dh rather than strangers on mumsnet. I don't know, perhaps say right they can stay cooped up all day but when he comes in he takes them out for tea or similar, give them something vaguely entertaining to look forward to on their miserable visits.

Even if there were no sdc at all, his going to work on the weekend would definitely have an impact on her if he were a good dad since they have dc together. Their dc are solely her problem, he has zero responsibility for them and doesn’t have to even think before saying he isn’t going to be home on the weekend. He’s a shit dad.

OP has said he didn’t do this when they were younger.

So even if she considers it useless (she doesn’t appear to, she seems to be with the large cohort of parents that includes him and his ex who think t(w)eens can flourish with some down time away from adult supervision at the weekends) she wouldn’t necessarily have known it before she had kids with him.

Posted the same upthread but no response. This total catch of a man definitely deserves more children to ignore. Money on him having 6 by next decade. 😞

The kids have different needs. The step kids are t(w)eens, not toddlers. They don’t need (or want) taking out every Saturday. The younger children need adult supervision and some engagement, so OP is doing that.

She may or may not be bothered about him going to work and leaving her with their joint kids too. She’s been asked but hasn’t addressed that question at all, but then it isn’t relevant to her AIBU. His double standards on the step-kids would still exist/not exist whether or not he was also being unreasonable about the younger ones.

Again why is your question not why can't their father not make them lunch before he leaves? Why is the step mum more responsible for them than their actual parent?

Why do either of them have to make a 12 and 14 year olds lunch for them?

shes already stated he doesn't need to work weekends, don't comment if you haven't read her replies.

Ah, see now you've made the age old mistake of taking your experience and your belief of what a family is and a family isn't, and applied it to a situation as if its the rule, when its not

Is he useless with all the kids ? If so then that’s her issue . My issue is you treat every kid the same . She doesn’t seem bothered he abandoned their kids to go to work only the step kids . If this was a post about hubby always leaving the wife with every kid to go to work then my reply would be very different.

Again another poster who cannot read. She clearly states if she is in she will make them lunch. But if she's not in and he asks her what they've had for lunch is going against what he's told her

@Anonymous2025 If I’m out of the house I expect hubby to take care if the family his, mine and ours , and o do the same . It’s not rocket science . It’s being a family . Just in case your reading comprehension doesn’t understand the meaning of family

So if she's out, which she is in the cases where she doesn't make them lunch, shouldn't she expect DH to make them lunch? May be before he goes out? And if he isn't going to do that but still expects someone to make lunch for his kids, shouldn't he be honest with her that his going to work does have an impact on others as he expects her to do it?

OP's AIBU is about her DH having this double standard - Do you think it's right that he tell her his going to work (which, no, he doesn't have to do - he didn't work on weekends the kids were there when they were younger and the extra money he now earns on this extra day of work goes into his pocket, not the family pot) has no impact on her but to still expect her to cancel her plans or do extra work that he can't be bothered doing?