To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

They're staying with their father. That he booked to work and tried to dump them on OP doesn’t mean they became her responsibility.

If she provides a level of care for her own children, she should be providing that level of care of her step children while they are there too.

They're kids, excluding them from stuff or letting them go without is mean, even if her DH shouldn't work on his contact weekends because he should be spending quality time with his children.

But it is literally the step mum the current unwanted dc are staying with, so my comparison stands

OK, so she's said that she already asks them if they want to come out with her on the day but they're in bed. So scenario here.

OP's DH: I'll be working tomorrow love (Saturday)
OP: Ok, have you asked stepkids if they want to come out with me and other DC to X place? If not, then you should really do something with them for the day.
OP's DH: I did ask them but they weren't sure if they wanted to come, can you check with them tomorrow?

OP: Ok, I'll ask them tomorrow morning but if they're not up by 10am we really need to be out because as you know the other DC are active and get bored.

Tomorrow morning comes - OP asks her stepkids if they'd like to come out and they either say no or they're not up by 10am to go out. It is now too late to ask her DH to come home to take them out as he's at work, in theory if he finishes work say at lunchtime he could take them out for the afternoon, but it's up to him how he organises his day if SE.

I cant beleive people are getting their knickers in a twist over you not taking a 12 & 14 year old to an aquarium. Its my teen's idea of hell, they would much rather stay at home, not be pesterred and do their own thing. By the sounds of itOP if you were taking the little ones to a theme park them older DSC would be invited.
The issue is your husbands comments nd you are right, he can decide they are old enough to fend for themselves and go to work and not expect you to plan your day around them, or, he can decide that they shouldnt be left alone and not work weekends. Its his choice. Absolutely not yours, especially when actuall,y should you work around the DSC all of the time then the toddlers would miss out.
Im taking my youngest to a trampoline place tomorrow, over lunch time, leaving the eldest at home. Didnt even ask him if he wants to come because I know the answer. He will be left to fend for himself becuase dad is at work. This is no different to your situation and the eldest will be fine and dad wont moan that I havent stayed at home to make him lunch and made the youngest miss out!

Then its perfectly clear he's asked for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child support. Not because he's remotely interested in raising his own kids.

Apparently it's totally fine for HIM to neglect his kids (they are old enough to manage without him) but unacceptable for OP to take the same attitude (according to him)
Yes, he's a hypocrite and a bad parent.

My sons unfortunately were treated the same. The youngest still shows up at his dad’s hoping he might get shown some attention. The eldest at 17 has just stopped going and he completely sees his father and his stepmother for who they are. It’s a tremendously sad thing for a teenager to learn.

My eldest has a polite, yet very distant relationship with his father. He expects nothing from his stepmother and it’s clear she’s happy with this.

My mum and stepdad worked together to raise me and whilst my family have problems, that is one thing that they did right.

yes but here the dad isn't doing anything. He is voluntarily working when his own children are there. This isn't a lovely blended family where stepmum and dad are raising lovely kids. This is a man who has opted out and whinging that his ersatz nanny isn't changing her plans, short notice, to include his own offspring. Not many kids that age that i have known like the same thing as tiny kids.

So no. The sad thing here is that yet another twat dad is getting a free pass and so many people are putting all the focus on how mean the stepmum is. OP, you're fine. Keep on keeping on. Maybe next time the step kids come over you could leave your DH, suddenly, in charge of all his kids and have a day out on your own?

So DH leaves the DSC at home, their Mum regularly leaves them to go out also but somehow it’s the OP to be held accountable for parenting her own DC and going on planned days out with them….Riiiight 🙄

What stands out is how DH doesn’t spend quality time with any of his children.
Sad really.

She presumably does care for them on a day to day basis, feeding them, ensuring they wash, there's food in the house. But she shouldn't have to take them out or feed them when she's out (teens should be more than capable of making food for themselves). Unless she's expected to be a paid maid and cook?

Exactly as she is doing seems fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not for me to dictate how anyone else ‘should’ be running their family. My permission and/or understanding is no required than yours is.

If a parent wants a partner that will step into the parental role with their children then it’s on them to make that clear, and not begin a relationship with someone that isn’t open to that.

So, you have a point re your DH’s attitude - but neglecting and ignoring your poor DSC in order to score points is pretty despicable.

If you’ve arranged a day out with your kids on a weekend your DSC are staying, WTF wouldn’t you either invite them and/or make it clear to DH that he needs to spend time with them if they have chosen not to join you?

And WTF would you go out for the day, knowing your 12-14yo DSCs will be home alone and NOT make sure they have lunch and snacks in place?

Yeah, DH is being a selfish twat, but you are being mean, cruel and equally selfish. Those poor DSC deserve better than you and your DH behaving like complete and utter arses.

He doesn't seem to concerned though does he? He's either happy they're at home or expects his wife to take them out and entertain them, even if they don't want to go out with him?

This is the reason why my friend who's living with a divorced dad (their flat is too small to have the teenage boys over to stay, they live full time with their mother) on Saturdays he sees his sons, even evenings if they want to and he can stay with the mother at the family home (no funny business just overnight) and they do whatever the boys like, though now they're teenagers they less interested in spending time with dad and more time with their friends/girlfriends.

Surely you just agree with your H that every weekend he has his kids he can only work until lunchtime.

That way he can be home shortly after his teens get up and he can make them lunch, regardless of whether the OP is home or not.

That way, he gets to see his kids (which is what he should be doing on his contact time) and OP can make full or half day plans.

Also, OP can have the afternoon child free if she likes knowing her H will be home (just as the H has had his morning child free- yes, he may be looking after four kids but they're HIS four kids) and if he decides not to come home and make them lunch, then that's his decision. He has chosen not to care for his own children.

Personally, I think that the H sounds like a shit husband and father and I can see why his first wife got shot of him, but if the OP is going to stay with him, at least the lunchtime line in the sand let's everyone know where they stand.

Let's say OP decided to end the relationship because of his behaviour. Bearing in mind that both parents do this regularly and their dad only seems to identify a problem when it's OP who does it, the outcome of this is likely to be the 12 year old left at home more.

There's a limit to what someone who isn't the child's parent can actually do, especially if they don't take responsibility for the DC.

How do you think she should be treating them day-to-day then?

Given these are the children of her husband, and living in her house. They are 12 and 14 - and she's known them since they were a lot younger given she has two of her own with the same dad.

I find it extraordinary that anyone would get into a relationship with someone with young children (and they must have been very young hone they got together), and then be annoyed at having to participate in the care of those children.

If you don't want stepchildren, don't marry a man with kids.

It's a bit rude not to ask them to certain places where they might like to go, but equally you shouldn't be waiting for them to get up so you can go out places. I can get that it gets tiring if you always ask them if they want to come out with you and 9/10 they say no.

I agree with you OP though, it's tricky when there are huge age gaps with children trying to work out what to do. When my youngest half sister was young, (she's about 11 years younger than me), the earliest time I could take her out with her two much older half siblings (9 and 7 years younger than me) was when she was about 8, and the same when she travelled by train (from Harrow to SE London) to see me with her siblings. When she was younger there wasn't much she could do/enjoyed. It was a bit easier if I met my siblings with their step-mum as she could bring the youngest most places (unless my dad or other relatives was looking after her).

The mum does the same thing with her children as the dad, yet OP is being held to a higher standard.

Yes, she married a man with children. And? That doesn’t make her responsible for his children. You can think it does and repeat that as much as you like, it doesn’t make it true. She’s not responsible for childcare, and has no parental responsibility at all. That’s still entirely his.

He married someone that wasn’t the mother of his children, that wasn’t going to act as if she was. As the parent you’d think that, if he wanted that, he’d have made it very clear before the relationship ever progressed. That he didn’t isn’t her fault either.

I bet if OP didn’t have toddlers and just got on with her day doing whatever she wants to do, nobody would be batting an eyelid about a 12 and 14 year old making their own lunch and being on their own for most of the day 🤦🏼‍♀️.

Saying that though, she’s a stepmum. So isn’t really allowed to make her own decisions so I might be wrong.

Is the only response to the competitive parenting shit that gets trotted out here sometimes.

OP, can you go congratulate the ‘roast chicken for a week’ people, please 😂

Sadly, prince though he is, it doesn't seem to be working, does it?

Does his ex know he leaves his kids on their own and isn't bothering with them?

Haha, she 'changed the dynamic' by marrying someone who already had two children.

While her DH should not leave her to care for his children alone regularly, she should also behave like an adult and is 'in loco parentis' as a result of marrying their father.

@MississippiAF very sad for the step children to not be invited to activities by their stepmother. The OP doesn't say the children didn't want to come to the aquarium, just that she didn't ask so they stayed home alone all day.

She has said on other occasions she has asked them if they want to be involved in stuff and they have said no. She should always ask - excluding them because she doesn't want them to join seems mean. She could arrange to visit the aquarium (or whatever. else) on the weekends they are at their mums, if she really doesn't want them there.

Why are you putting up with this arse of a man?

Er, no I wouldn't. But OK.

If they don't WANT to go, that's different. Could have done with that information in the original OP.