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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner doesn’t respect my decisions and boundaries

112 replies

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 20:05

I have an ex who is an absolute narcissistic and my daughter and I fled from him due to DV. Fast forward a few years and we are “amicable” but he does snap and switch when he doesn’t get his own way, and unfortunately the only way to keep him from verbally abusing me is to block him until he has calmed down (usually a day or two) which is the followed by a grovelling apology. We are not together and he sees our daughter 6 days out of a month. I know how to deal with him and I have very strict boundaries that he is forced to respect because I do not take any crap from him. I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a few years now and one one occasion he had to step in to be the middle man as the abuse was too much. Unfortunately, my partner doesn’t know how to set boundaries and is happy to receive messages from ex. I’ve explained to him that the reason my ex contacts him, is because I have blocked him and he knows the only way the abuse will get to me is by contacting my partner. I asked my partner on several occasions to not respond to him and let him shoot himself in the foot but I end up finding out that he still responds to him. The most recent issue I had is when my ex (who is due to have my little one this weekend) started his excuses by planting the seed that he can’t get a train ticket this weekend to pick her up(we have an arrangement which we have been doing for a couple of years now), when I told him I’m sure he can find another way he said he would then the next day asked if I can drop her to him instead because of train delays, at first I said yes to avoid his negative comeback but then I found out there were no train issue and told him this, to be which he responded that he knew but wants me to drop her anyway, I told him I don’t owe him favours and to stop making excuses (his fave football team are playing this weekend). He sent me a barrage of abusive messages accusing me of being angry and abusive and that if I don’t bring her to him, then he’s not coming to pick her up. My partner is aware of this and aware that I had asked my ex to only contact me if it’s to confirm a pick up and drop off and nothing else. Today my partner tells me that my ex messaged him to tell me that he blocked me because I’m abusive and stopping him from seeing our daughter, my partner responds to him saying that “ahhh this shouldn’t really be happening” to which my ex started conversing with him as if they were best friends and even telling my partner that I’m abusive etc and that I should be made to pay for his transport to pick up and drop off our daughter and that he shouldn’t be paying! My ex then responds saying “ahh ok, I’ll let her know, this isn’t right”. AIBU by getting upset with my partner who should have spoken to me first before responding to my ex? I blocked him and my partner is aware of his cycle of anger towards me when he doesn’t get his way but I’m starting to realise that my partner may not understand boundaries! This is a super tough topic for me because I don’t understand why my partner even though I have told him many times not to get involved with him, still feels ok to do so. Any communication with my ex is still his way of being abusive to me because my partner will repeat his negativity to me. I’m sick and tired of this and don’t know why my partner cannot stay out of it!
for clarity, I have full custody of my daughter.

OP posts:
WhistPie · 03/04/2024 21:17

OP, you seem to go for the same type of men. Ask yourself why?

And walk away from this "partner".

He's not your partner, he doesn't respect your decisions and overrides them.

If you stay with him, this will get worse.

Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:13

@Saintmariesleuth no, I don’t

OP posts:
Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:12

@NotbloodyGivingupYet completely and it’s infuriating.

OP posts:
ATerrorofLeftovers · 03/04/2024 21:06

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 20:22

@Kingoftheroad my partner doesn’t block people, he says it’s immature lol… but yet makes time for my ex! I’m not sure if he thinks he’s being my knight in shining armour but it’s so friggin infuriating, it’s as if he’s doing it deliberately to tick me off.. he thinks by being nice it’s avoiding conflict but that’s not the point, I still have to her my ex’s abuse towards me even though I’ve blocked him.

He doesn’t like conflict? Fine. Make it clear to him he’ll have hugely more conflict with you than he does your ex, unless he stops all responses immediately.

Comtesse · 03/04/2024 21:06

Your DP is out of order.

ScabbyHorse · 03/04/2024 21:05

@goforit99 I totally understand that and I know it's hard. It's his responsibility however, and she will learn that you are reliable and he is less reliable in time.

Saintmariesleuth · 03/04/2024 21:05

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 20:58

@Testina one two occasions I have been firm that he should not speak with him if he is contacted! I have made it very clear(clearly not) that I do not want him to ever get involved again…

I doubt it's a lack of clarity if you have discussed it twice OP, it is more likely that your partner is ignoring your request here

Do you live with your current partner?

Prydddan · 03/04/2024 21:03

WandaWonder · 03/04/2024 20:56

Maybe he is sick of having to live through the drama's and trying to get through it as best he can, but of course he is a man so nothing he do will be right

He has a very easy 'out' of the drama. Just do what the OP has asked of him. But of course he's a man and won't.

GingerIsBest · 03/04/2024 21:03

WandaWonder · 03/04/2024 20:56

Maybe he is sick of having to live through the drama's and trying to get through it as best he can, but of course he is a man so nothing he do will be right

The drama? I love the assumption that it's the OP's fault there's "drama". My god, you really don't get it do you? The ex is the one creating drama and the current partner is just feeding the troll by engaging with him.

Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:02

@ScabbyHorse i want my little one to have consistency with seeing her dad, I don’t ever want to stop her from seeing him, he makes excuses every so often when he has something “better” to do but starts an argument so he can tell me he’s not going to pick her up because km “abusive” 😂

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 03/04/2024 21:02

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 20:58

@Testina one two occasions I have been firm that he should not speak with him if he is contacted! I have made it very clear(clearly not) that I do not want him to ever get involved again…

Not firm enough it seems.

I'm not usually a fan of ultimatums but in this scenario, he either stops the contact and blocks your ex immediately, or you need to bin him. No negotiation.

Bookworm1111 · 03/04/2024 21:02

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:00

@WandaWonder what drama? The same way he vents about things that make him upset, so do I, it’s what happens in relationships so not sure what your point is? It’s the boundary issue that is up for discussion here.. if he told me to stop telling him things I would respect that, but if I keep quiet, he will ask me why I didn’t tell him..

Ignore that poster. It's a man trying to tell us ladies that we should be nicer to our abusers.

ScabbyHorse · 03/04/2024 21:01

That's so shocking. He sounds like he's not on your side, I'm sorry. Also, with the whole picking up your child thing, I wouldn't have offered to do it, just because it seems better to leave it in his court.

Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:00

@WandaWonder what drama? The same way he vents about things that make him upset, so do I, it’s what happens in relationships so not sure what your point is? It’s the boundary issue that is up for discussion here.. if he told me to stop telling him things I would respect that, but if I keep quiet, he will ask me why I didn’t tell him..

OP posts:
Bookworm1111 · 03/04/2024 20:59

I see another man's come along to tell a victim of domestic violence that dealing with her abusive ex must be causing dramas for her current partner. What would we do without chaps putting us in our places eh? 🙄

Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 20:58

@Testina one two occasions I have been firm that he should not speak with him if he is contacted! I have made it very clear(clearly not) that I do not want him to ever get involved again…

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 03/04/2024 20:56

Maybe he is sick of having to live through the drama's and trying to get through it as best he can, but of course he is a man so nothing he do will be right

Prydddan · 03/04/2024 20:56

Deathbyfluffy · 03/04/2024 20:41

It really doesn't, but whatever fits the narrative I guess!

Show quote history

It really does, actually

GingerIsBest · 03/04/2024 20:55

My ex then responds saying “ahh ok, I’ll let her know, this isn’t right”.

I'm a bit confused here - is this your ex saying this because your partner has been agreeing with him? Or actually, did your partner agree with your ex.

You are 100% right to realise this is pretty classic narcissistic behaviour. He's trying to alienate you from people in your life by appearing to be oh so reasonable to them so that you look crazy and irrational. The problem is that he wasn't there for the narcissistic abuse so he doesn't understand (the narcissist's most powerful tool is that their behaviour is so completely batshit, most normal people simply don't believe it).

If he cannot and will not respect your boundaries, you will actually have to end it with him because otherwise he will find himself accidentally supporting your ex vs you and that will be damaging to your dd.

Prydddan · 03/04/2024 20:53

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 20:35

True to a narcissists behaviour, my ex just messaged my partner to say “for the sake of my daughter, he will now pick her up as scheduled because he doesn’t want me to ruin their relationship”… speechless

So he is making arrangements with your DP, not you.

He is creating an us-against-her bond with your partner, poisoning your relationship with your parner in the process, and your partner is too dense to see it.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 03/04/2024 20:52

Your partner thinks he's being the big man and protecting you but in fact he's weak. Your ex has discovered that he's the way "in" and he's manipulating him. Also he's possibly affecting the way your partner sees the situation and you.
On top of that, your partner sees you as needing to be managed. He very much does not see you as an equal partner.
In normal circumstances these traits would not be that much of a problem. But with the narcissist ex pulling his strings, it is a huge problem. Huge. You'll never have any peace, nor will your daughter.
If he won't stop this contact you need to finish it with him.

Farmwifefarmlife · 03/04/2024 20:51

I personally wouldn’t have my partner as the go between me and my ex. I’d set up a separate email or separate phone number. Sounds like a recipe for disaster from the start tbh.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2024 20:51

Your partner isn't on your team, he's on your ex's side
He'd rather keep the peace with an abuser than stand up for you

dimllaishebiaith · 03/04/2024 20:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2024 20:43

The narrative of women being human beings. How very dare we?

I mean now a man has turned up to tell you you are wrong I hope you have learnt your lesson @MrsTerryPratchett ! How very dare we indeed 🙄

Prydddan · 03/04/2024 20:48

Createausername1970 · 03/04/2024 20:29

Message your ex and your partner at the same time. Make it clear that you will only communicate with ex directly and not via partner and any conversations they have are of no interest to you and nothing to do with you or your daughter, and no arrangements will be agreed to unless you have arranged them yourself. If those two want to waste their time having pointless conversations, that's up to them but you are not interested and will not engage.

Separately, tell your partner that this is the very last time you will have this conversation with him and if he continues to try to mediate unnecessarily then you will have to question whose side he is on and where your relationship is going.

Edited

I wouldn't do this. It will encourage the ex by showung him how much this upsets you, and he will use it to drive a wedge between you.

But read your partner the riotvact, as others have urged.