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Original poster

Partner doesn’t respect my decisions and boundaries

112 replies

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 20:05

I have an ex who is an absolute narcissistic and my daughter and I fled from him due to DV. Fast forward a few years and we are “amicable” but he does snap and switch when he doesn’t get his own way, and unfortunately the only way to keep him from verbally abusing me is to block him until he has calmed down (usually a day or two) which is the followed by a grovelling apology. We are not together and he sees our daughter 6 days out of a month. I know how to deal with him and I have very strict boundaries that he is forced to respect because I do not take any crap from him. I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a few years now and one one occasion he had to step in to be the middle man as the abuse was too much. Unfortunately, my partner doesn’t know how to set boundaries and is happy to receive messages from ex. I’ve explained to him that the reason my ex contacts him, is because I have blocked him and he knows the only way the abuse will get to me is by contacting my partner. I asked my partner on several occasions to not respond to him and let him shoot himself in the foot but I end up finding out that he still responds to him. The most recent issue I had is when my ex (who is due to have my little one this weekend) started his excuses by planting the seed that he can’t get a train ticket this weekend to pick her up(we have an arrangement which we have been doing for a couple of years now), when I told him I’m sure he can find another way he said he would then the next day asked if I can drop her to him instead because of train delays, at first I said yes to avoid his negative comeback but then I found out there were no train issue and told him this, to be which he responded that he knew but wants me to drop her anyway, I told him I don’t owe him favours and to stop making excuses (his fave football team are playing this weekend). He sent me a barrage of abusive messages accusing me of being angry and abusive and that if I don’t bring her to him, then he’s not coming to pick her up. My partner is aware of this and aware that I had asked my ex to only contact me if it’s to confirm a pick up and drop off and nothing else. Today my partner tells me that my ex messaged him to tell me that he blocked me because I’m abusive and stopping him from seeing our daughter, my partner responds to him saying that “ahhh this shouldn’t really be happening” to which my ex started conversing with him as if they were best friends and even telling my partner that I’m abusive etc and that I should be made to pay for his transport to pick up and drop off our daughter and that he shouldn’t be paying! My ex then responds saying “ahh ok, I’ll let her know, this isn’t right”. AIBU by getting upset with my partner who should have spoken to me first before responding to my ex? I blocked him and my partner is aware of his cycle of anger towards me when he doesn’t get his way but I’m starting to realise that my partner may not understand boundaries! This is a super tough topic for me because I don’t understand why my partner even though I have told him many times not to get involved with him, still feels ok to do so. Any communication with my ex is still his way of being abusive to me because my partner will repeat his negativity to me. I’m sick and tired of this and don’t know why my partner cannot stay out of it!
for clarity, I have full custody of my daughter.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 03/04/2024 23:00

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 22:29

@GingerIsBest thank you and you are absolutely right! I just had a “conversation” with my partner and it did not end well! He firstly admitted that he had responded to my ex without asking me (which I knew nothing about), secondly when I raised my voice because I was crying, he told me to calm down and stop shouting and that he understands why I’m upset but I shouldn’t be getting angry! He also told me that the reason he didn’t tell me he responded to my ex the first time was to protect me, from what exactly? He has now left me to clear up the mess and have to face my ex on the weekend to now meet my ex because he now “is staying out of it”.

Jesus. You've picked another misogynist wanker here @goforit99. He might not be as blatantly abusive as your ex but he's still a misogynist wanker but this one lacks balls so hides it under a facade of wanting to avoid conflict and "protecting" you. And now he's run away and left you to sort the mess he created. Why on earth are you with this dick?!

How dare he tell you to stop shouting and that you "shouldn't be getting angry". He can fuck right off.

Let me introduce you to Hundred's Lessons for a Happy Adult Life: The first time a man (or indeed a woman) TELLS you what to do is also the last time they do that. No compromises. Stick to this boundary and you'll be a lot happier. And the fuckers will learn that you can't be messed with and will move on to other easier targets. (This is how my mother raised me, and how her mother raised her. No-one messes with the women in my family because quite frankly, we will fuck you up. My female cousins actually scare me lol).

Seriously you deserve so much better than this excuse for a man (both of them!). And apologies for my language but I'm angry on your behalf. Sadly, despite it being the 21st bloody century, there are too many men around who think this shit is acceptable.

redastherose · 03/04/2024 22:52

Your DP is the problem here, I'm angry on your behalf. How dare he make it all about him. You need to set a firm boundary with him and tell him that you are not putting up with him undermining you anymore. He's your partner and should have your back and by agreeing with your ex he is doing the opposite. I do think you have to have a serious conversation and tell him this is a hard line for you, he cannot go behind your back ever again otherwise you will have to rethink your relationship. Having a narcissistic ex is unbelievably hard I know full well. You cannot give them any opportunity to turn other people into their flying monkeys and this is precisely what he has done with your DP.

Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 22:42

@GingerIsBest i am going to be forced to be amicable with my ex, despite what happened to and yesterday with the verbal abuse towards me, I’m now going to be forced to face my ex and act like nothing happened! I am so angry because if my partner had not got involved, my ex would have not have had to have his own way yet again, by chopping and changing the dates he will pick up my daughter! I’m also meeting my ex to drop my daughter out of fear because we have a holiday booked and if I “mess up” this weekend, he is the type to call police out of spite to say I am kidnapping my child so we don’t go abroad (he knew about this holiday ages ago btw) I wish I was left to deal with this like I usually do. My partner does not understand the mess he created!

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 03/04/2024 22:39

Just remember to continue to grey rock your ex when you have to deal with him this weekend. The fact that there's been all this trauma with your current partner is irrelevant in this context.

Do the handover, engage ins whatever standard polite chit chat you usually do. Any additional comments/aggressions/accusations from him just ignore then move on.

toomuchfaff · 03/04/2024 22:36

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I'd start by making the comparison that if this were you conversing with his ex; the one he absoluted despised, the one that wound him up and it didnt end well, and that you were being all pals with her, that would be out of order and there is no reason that you would ever or should ever be conversing with his ex... obviously, so why does he converse with yours? That stops now. You and only you have to maintain contact with your ex.

I'd be asking him to change his number and not supply your ex with the new number. Any and all contact goes through you and you alone.

If he says no; I'd be asking him why he needs to maintain a relationship with your ex? You're not the damsel to be rescued. This isn't up for debate.

Get his number changed, he blocks the ex on all social media etc. No further contact. Unless they wanna be mates and you will just fk off and leave them to egt on with it.

bellezarara · 03/04/2024 22:36

He has now left me to clear up the mess and have to face my ex on the weekend to now meet my ex because he now “is staying out of it”.

Tell him to stay the fuck out of it for good or he’s dumped. Wanker.

GingerIsBest · 03/04/2024 22:35

Any minute now he's going to start saying things like, "well, there are always two sides to any story."

GingerIsBest · 03/04/2024 22:34

he told me to calm down and stop shouting and that he understands why I’m upset but I shouldn’t be getting angry!

Sorry, he's a bit of a wanker, isn't he? You're allowed to be upset but only in a soft, gentle, forgiving and ladylike kind of way?

I think your ex has got into his head. Probably talked about how "hysterical" you can be. Perhaps "manipulative". "toxic" is another word they like to throw around. Plus, of course, the blatant lies, you were abusive, you attack him for no reason, you are obstructive, you caused the breakup....

Saintmariesleuth · 03/04/2024 22:34

Sorry OP, that's rubbish. I'd take a break from your partner for the time being.
I suspect he is acting all huffy because he knows he was out of order- he's now puuting the blame on you. Not an attractive trait.

I'd take this break to give serious thought to the relationship

Amba1998 · 03/04/2024 22:33

You fled your ex due to DV, your current partner knows this but won’t block him because it’s immature

ba bye 👋

Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 22:30

@GingerIsBest sorry I meant there was another time today before the time I found out that he responded.

OP posts:
Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 22:29

@GingerIsBest thank you and you are absolutely right! I just had a “conversation” with my partner and it did not end well! He firstly admitted that he had responded to my ex without asking me (which I knew nothing about), secondly when I raised my voice because I was crying, he told me to calm down and stop shouting and that he understands why I’m upset but I shouldn’t be getting angry! He also told me that the reason he didn’t tell me he responded to my ex the first time was to protect me, from what exactly? He has now left me to clear up the mess and have to face my ex on the weekend to now meet my ex because he now “is staying out of it”.

OP posts:
Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 22:24

@WhistPie you are right!

OP posts:
Autienotnaughtie · 03/04/2024 21:55

Hes colluding with your ex. This isn't acceptable.

AlexaPlaySomeHappyHardcore · 03/04/2024 21:47

You’re so right that your ex is using your current partner as a way to continue his abuse and controlling behaviour. The fact that your partner has been told this by you and still continues to maintain contact with him is quite a red flag. You say he doesn’t like conflict but if that was the case he’d not be having any contact with your ex and refuse to get involved. I think he either does enjoy the drama of it all (which is pathetic and gross of him) or he’s a piece of shit too.

Throckmorton · 03/04/2024 21:41

He is NOT a good man. He is putting his own desire for comfort, ie not having to block your ex, over your wellbeing. it's more important to him that he is comfortable, even if that means you still are subject to abuse from your ex. At the very best he is a weak man who will never have your back.

Isthisit22 · 03/04/2024 21:39

Sorry but your new partner is utterly spineless. He’d rather placate your ex than properly support you.
Time for a final ultimatum and if he contacts or replies to your ex once more dump him (and mean it)

GingerIsBest · 03/04/2024 21:35

@WhistPie I don't disagree with you but I do understand why OP finds this hard.

At the end of the day, a lot of narcissistic abusive men are also deeply misogynist. and unfortunately, this subtle, endless misogyny is often present in even our "nice guys". There is an instinct for many men to default to the "calm down dear" mindset, to believe other men and not believe women.

BIL, on the surface, total feminist ally. supporter of women's rights blah blah blah. But even having watched the abuse his sister suffered and agreeing it was not okay, he STILL regularly engages with exBIL and believes that SIL should be a bit more understanding of his issues.

OP, I honestly think that you have to accept he's not going to "get it". So it's ultimatum time - "I cannot have you engaging with exDH and I have worked too hard to get where I am so I will not be undermined, no matter how good your intentions are. I appreciate you want to help, but this is NOT helping me. I need you to respect this boundary and if you can't, then we will have to reconsider this relationship."

The really sad thing of course is that you've probably told him all about th eabuse and he made all the right noises, and now you're realising that he probably never really fully believed you or was thinking, "I'm sure she's overplaying it/exagerating etc"

WoodBurningStov · 03/04/2024 21:33

It's up to your partner to decide who he wants to upset. You or your ex.

WhistPie · 03/04/2024 21:30

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:21

@WhistPie he is not like my ex, my partner is a respectful man, a very kind and loving man, not like I have ever seen before, the issue is he is too too kind and doesn’t do conflicts but unfortunately In this situation, it proves difficult to accept this as it’s clearly upsetting me but he is a good human being!

Two men who trample all over your boundaries?

One might be kind, but he's still ignoring your boundaries.

Two peas but from different pods then.

Think about it.

Bookworm1111 · 03/04/2024 21:30

goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:21

@WhistPie he is not like my ex, my partner is a respectful man, a very kind and loving man, not like I have ever seen before, the issue is he is too too kind and doesn’t do conflicts but unfortunately In this situation, it proves difficult to accept this as it’s clearly upsetting me but he is a good human being!

But a respectful man, a kind and loving man, someone who is too kind and a good human being would be falling over himself not to upset his new partner. He'd listen to her concerns and would do whatever it took to make her feel safe. He would agree with her wishes not to facilitate contact himself with her ex.

Your partner is doing none of those things. He's totally disregarding you. That makes him the opposite of everything you think he is.

Saintmariesleuth · 03/04/2024 21:27

You are right to be angry- he has ignored your wishes and is poking his beak where it doesn't belong. He likely didn't intend to act unkindly, but he is not a nice person if he carries on doing this now you have explained it to him. You deserve a partner who IS kind

Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:23

@Saintmariesleuth i hope so too. I hate how upset I became with him but I was so angry as to how this is still being allowed to happen to me. I have control over my ex’s behaviour towards me, but when other people get involved it doesn’t go well.

OP posts:
Original poster
goforit99 · 03/04/2024 21:21

@WhistPie he is not like my ex, my partner is a respectful man, a very kind and loving man, not like I have ever seen before, the issue is he is too too kind and doesn’t do conflicts but unfortunately In this situation, it proves difficult to accept this as it’s clearly upsetting me but he is a good human being!

OP posts:
Saintmariesleuth · 03/04/2024 21:21

@goforit99 in that case, I would have one more clear discussion about this with your partner- be absolutely clear he is not to say anything more than-' please speak to goforit99' to your ex and is no longer to act as a point of contact between. Any failure to deviate from this, then he is cut loose. I'm sorry to say, I doubt your DP will manage this but I truly hope this shocks him in to reality