Fed up of being lonely- anyone else?

I'm seeing an awful lot more lonely people these days. I do wonder if lockdowns and WFH being the norm, have been a factor in all of it.

People don't go out like they used to, the Thursday/Friday night drinks after work don't happen as much so you don't build up friendships like you used to.

I go through phases of being lonely and it can be tough especially when you don't speak to a soul for days. I do wonder what's wrong with me some days. I have some great friends but pinning them down can be tricky.

Ok. I’ll try again…two separate points:

1. Hobby groups and work are good places to meet people and make friends. But, it is not a certainty that any of the people you meet will become very good friends or romantic partners. (Btw, I don’t know of some other magic places that I’m not telling anyone about, where you will definitely meet people with whom you will have a very deep connection. )
2. It is not very nice to realise you are not anyone else’s priority.

Edited to add: I include gym classes, volunteering, using Meetup apps and OLD as places where you can meet people.

Give @MagpiePi a break!

Have you tried gym classes rather than just going to use machines? We get on really well in our Zumba class and do social things.

Do you have time to do any volunteering? I've met lots of friends this way. Helping at local cubs/brownies, or at local park run?

Meet up app? We have a couple of active groups locally (and I'm only in a small town) who meet up for walks but also do social events at weekends.

OP was asking about friends though, and I don’t think it’s really fair or reasonable to expect to be “priority” to anyone other than really your partner or maybe your family.

Friends are brilliant and I have an amazing group of very close friends, but I know I’m not any of their priority and they are not mine, we all have husbands, wives, partners, kids, families, yes our friendship is special to all of us but none of us would ever expect or want to be a priority for each other.

No friendship is ever going to replicate a relationship, so maybe what OP is really looking for is a romantic partner rather than meaningful friendships because even meaningful friendships will not fill that void.

I think a lot of people join clubs hoping to make friends but it takes someone brave enough to make the first move. We have a local women's walking group and nationally there is a group called Love her wild (with local sub groups) worth checking them out if you are at all outdoorsy. Set yourself a goal, say yes to every invite for six months and invite others to do something with you at least once a month! Have a listen to this https://www.youtube.com/live/9tro4_f6oaI?feature=shared

Where do you suggest meeting them? Where do you suggest is foolproof? That's all I'm asking. As all of those who have met someone had to meet them somewhere.

Im not saying you can’t make significant friends or find a partner at work or hobby groups!!!
I’m saying, it is shit when you are not someone’s priority and joining a group isn’t a foolproof solution.

I know what you mean, but I do think in general that no friend, no matter how close or longstanding, is ever going to compare to a romantic partner like a husband/wife.

Simply because the fact that they ARE just a friend it means they are not the person you come home to, they aren’t the person you sleep beside at night, eat breakfast with in the morning, not the person you confide most in and vice versa. The relationship you have with a husband or wife is always going to be vastly different from any relationship you have with even the best of friends.

So out of curiosity where would you suggest meeting long standing friends and a DH if it can't be through work or a hobby?

Im clearly not expressing myself well here.

I don’t think it can be assumed that just because you join lots of groups and have lots of superficial relationships that any of them are definitely going to turn into something deep and meaningful, however hard you try. And, the older you get, the less likely you are to meet someone who has the same desire or need because they already have this very close relationships.

But the point is, it doesn’t matter how many friends you have that you see once a week or know through hobbies, you are not important to them in the same way that you can be important to a very close, longstanding friend or a husband or parent. After a while it feels shit to realise that you aren’t anyone’s priority.

Sorry to hear that. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. I think yep hobbies and clubs is probably the way to go. You could even try volunteering at organisations etc as that’s a good way to meet people. I truly hope that you are able to get out there to meet new people and hopefully find the one. Take care

Why on earth would someone from a hobby group knowing them 12 months matter to me as much as my DH. However if I didn't have a DH I might be currently 6 months in to building a great start with a potential DH. Just like I did 6 months after meeting him.

Yes my walking lead on to odd coffee. She wants see a show at xmas. So thats good as gets me out.

I WFH and live alone and have to make a concerted effort to see people in the evenings or I get very lonely. I've got some nice hobbies and am gradually getting to know people and making friends.
The important thing is to do things you enjoy. One thing will lead on to another, and the friendships will follow.
I know it's hard but I also know it's possible. I'm an introvert and I can do it, and so can you.

It does take time to build friendships.
Is there a local Facebook page, ask if there is anyone who wants to start a book club, walking group, it is easier if it is centred around an activity. See if anyone likes the cinema, theatre etc.

Is there a Parkrun, running club you can join.
Rather than gym, is there a local class you can join.

Is there a Meet up group near by. Also volunteering.
I don't think it is easy but there will be others out there just the same as you.
Any never turn down an invite!

I could see how if there was some sort of group or hobby that you could cope with for 5 years before you made any progress friendship wise then that could be a good option. I've never been convinced by the advice to really force yourself out of your comfort zone or do things you don't like in case it pays off.

Another way of looking at your dilemma OP is to really consider what will best fill the void you're feeling. For some people joining a group and being around people even if only superficial relationships fills a need. For some this does nothing for them and they might be better off using a distraction to cope and keep themselves busy.

I’m not saying that groups and hobbies or work aren’t a way to meet people!

When you are younger you are mixing with people the same age who don’t already have partners/kids so have more time to spend building up close friendships. There are also going to be more potential partners than when you are in your +50s.

Having regular contact with a group and meeting socially isn’t the same as mattering to someone. Who among the people you’ve know from your latest hobby group really matters to you in the same way your husband might? If you didn't initiate contact with any of them how long would it be before they contacted you?

oh it definitely takes time and you might need to put a bit of effort in.....do stuff that pushes your boundaries and comfort zone, make an effort to talk to people, attend the additional social events, accept the party invitation even though you'll hardly know anyone there, be the person who asks if anyone needs a lift home or fancies a coffee / pint after the group......

It definitely takes a long time. I met a few through my daughters sport but we only doing coffees now years later. My friend in a retirement group said the clicks are awful. So not as easy as we think.

You definitely can make friends through clubs / sport / shared interests, but it takes a LONG time, especially if the activity is organised by a third party provider, so you don't need to share phone numbers with the other participants, or set up the meetings

I've made friends through shared activity, but the focus was on the activity and the friendships developed after about 5 years

But don't you realise that these routes are really key ways to meet people initially, to then form these deeper connections. Some of my best friends are people I've met at work, I met my husband at work, I have a social life with multiple groups of people I've met through work places. I have a hobby that I've been at for 12 months and met a load more people who I'm delighted I met and we are in regular contact and have had had social events together. Isn't this how people meet? Not sure what else you could suggest?

Yes good tips here. My walking I knew her from school run we do odd coffee now. As pp said you have be a bit pushy. If Im not I see nobody.

I’m not saying that these are not valid ways to meet people. What I am saying is that meeting people for a couple of hours a week is not the same being in a relationship where you are a priority for someone else.