Fed up of being lonely- anyone else?

Yes Im in a walking group. Gets me out. I have seen alot of threads on here on lack of friends. Its hard. Think Ive been unlucky there 2 or 3 they never commit. Flaky. Its like people dont want hassle of it all now. Crap at times

Oh and the reason I say walking group is because they're so easy to set up, free to attend, and less intimidating for many than an enclosed group. Also the dynamics mean you naturally fall in and out of step with people so get to chat with everyone.

Stand alone or regular fitness classes are a good way to meet people and also see if there's a decent walking group near you. Lots of the ones near us are for older/retired folks but a younger woman recently started a Saturday morning walk and put it on FB and loads of people wanted to join.

I work in this kind of area (social isolation/loneliness) and trust me OP there are so many younger people who feel as you do. If you put it out there people will certainly join you x

Friendship is a numbers game. For every new ten people you meet then in my opinion there is just one that could be a friend, and even then they have to have the time available.

also you have to put in more effort to make friends then see which ones stick. It’s unlikely to happen willynilly.

@WafflingDreamer If it makes you feel better, my most recent attempt at making friends connected some locals into dog walking together.
I don't have a dog! 🤦🏽‍♀️

I just kind of accidentally introduced these people.

Over time, I think societal norms have changed to the point where I might appear too nice or too needy. I genuinely don't know how to deal with this, so just potter along being lonely, because the meeting people exercise has been so shit.

I haven't made a friend since uni at 18 and I'm 41 now. I can talk to people and think I come across ok but I've never been able to get casual meeting to actual friendship. Sometimes I think I try too hard and annoy people and sometimes I don't try hard enough.

I've always been one of those people who seems to stay on the peripheries of people's lives. So I'd say I have lots of acquaintances but I have no friends, I'm married but pretty unhappily and have kids. At one point when I was really desperately lonely I joined a committee for a local group and ended up being chair. Of the group of 6 4 of them ended up really good friends and go on holiday with each other. That kind of thing happens to me a lot

@MagpiePi "I’ve just thought of an analogy- it’s like when I moan about not being able to afford something, my kids say ‘well why don’t you win the lottery?’"

Just to say, all your points have really resonated with me. But that one stuck out is being particularly apt. Thank you so much for your posts.

So much of it is down to luck.

I am trying to tell myself that I was incredibly lucky to have good friends who were practically family for 20+ years and I guess nobody keeps that luck forever.

Joining groups is just the start of a very long journey to meeting people and increasing the odds of developing meaningful connections. It does take years as you get older so just have to start now and be persistent.

That’s just one way alongside o l d and friendship apps. Work. Friends of friends.

If some of those aren’t working then you’ve got to add in the ones that you’re not trying. Yes it’s crap. It’s one of the hardest things to do I think. Try Meetup. Book groups etc. No you won’t matter to people at first it’s just an additional way to start meeting people where there might be potential.

I find even in hobbies and groups it’s isolating.

in my case given that I am 3 years widowed most people in group or hobby settings are married, still have their elderly parents and as I have neither I can’t join in their conversations which dominate the time. Its sucks.

i do go as my craft group are a lovely group of people but on my down days I don’t go which is prob when I need it the most.

Good friendships are very hard to find.
I think it's luck you click with someone and over time you realise its a good friendship both making an effort. One sided dosent tend to work.

Having said that anything can change or turn in an instant so you always have to be careful and tactful.

In my experience on MN it seems pretty common for multiple posters to read about a quarter of the original post and then fire off a reply that ignores something clearly stated in the OP. I’m not being (very) critical, I’m sure a lot of people are busy, juggling multiple tasks, reading on their phone etc. But it can be quite frustrating if you are the OP.

I absolutely agree with you and everyone who says that going to groups etc are a good way of meeting people, but whether the OP has or hasn't tried them is irrelevant.

What I am trying to get across is that even if you spend every possible waking minute at all the groups going, there is no certainty that you will meet people who you can make deep connections with. Obviously, there is always the possibility that you will make some good friends or meet a partner, and you are going to increase your chances the more you do it, but its not a guaranteed outcome.

I really don't know how else to put it...

Edited to add: I’ve just thought of an analogy- it’s like when I moan about not being able to afford something, my kids say ‘well why don’t you win the lottery?’

And, until you get to the point where you have got some deep and meaningful connections it is a crappy feeling to know that you are not someone's No1 priority.

But then you still have to meet people to start a friendship that may lead to a relationship. If not directly, then via a set up blind date or someones barbecue or birthday party that you are invited to.

Theres a limited amount of ways to meet people, but the more people you know, the more people you'll meet, ergo more chance of finding one to love.

I wonder why so many people responded saying have you tried the groups then? Because I think to most it's reads that although it's been said to her she hasn't tried it.

Er, to me it reads that she’s tried and found it doesn’t necessarily work.

@MagpiePi

But the OP doesn't say she's tried those groups and hobbies.

I'm 33, we're told to make new friends via clubs and hobbies, however it's just not always easy to gel with people or to build deeper connections

It actually sounds like she hasn't tried that at all because it sounds more like she's saying we are told to make friends that way however she doesn't believe it works, therefore has she even tried? That's how this message reads.

@EIIaM I’m not deliberately avoiding answering your questions.
You keep asking ‘where else can you go to meet people apart from clubs and hobby groups then? I met my husband and lots of good friends at groups’ I keep answering ‘I agree, clubs and hobby groups are great and obvious places to meet people BUT it doesn’t necessarily follow that you will meet your future spouse or make deep connections at one’

My original 🙄 response was to a comment in the OP’s first post where she said
I'm 33, we're told to make new friends via clubs and hobbies, however it's just not always easy to gel with people or to build deeper connections.
….and all of the subsequent replies said ‘why don’t you join a group or take up a new hobby’ as though that was the thing she hadn’t tried.

It definitely takes a lot of effort. I have lived in 5 countries and have had to start from scratch each time so I have kind of perfected forming friendships.

What I do is that I say yes to everything, even if it's something I'm not crazy about doing or if I'm feeling tired/not in the mood. With my last move I joined a friendship app and met a whole bunch of women through there. Out of maybe 15 meets 3 are now close friends and their friends have also become my friends so I now have friendship groups. I also dated men (OLD) and a couple of those that it didn't work out with romantically are now friends.

Lastly, I joined a small pilates group and have made two friends from there too. It's taken a couple of years to get to this stage but now I feel like my social life is at a level that I am comfortable with and I don't have time to squeeze much more in and I absolutely feel like I matter to people.

The my little family thing definitely existed before the lockdowns but they really accelerated it. I remember going to meetup back when it was a new thing and you could tell a lot of them were mums on their once a month night out. I didn't see any point in trying to get to know them if they could only spare a night a month.

You’re far from being the only single 33 year old without kids. Prioritise meeting and spending time with people in a similar boat, they’ll have more emotional energy to give you. OLD is potentially a lot less painful if you have a wingwoman who is doing the same thing and you can laugh and moan about bad dates together. I know OLD can be a grind but I do think you should be on it, with temperate expectations but not cynicism, if you want to meet someone. From experience the more active you are on it the more likely are to get matches, so don’t just sit there passively waiting for someone to contact you. Set a target e.g. you’ll flick through 50 profiles a day (choose the highest number you find bearable), and stick with it. Try a few different apps to see which ones work best for you. Make your peace with the fact that flicking through profiles isn’t romantic, it isn’t, but if you persevere I think at your age your chances are good of meeting someone good, and that will be romantic.

@MagpiePi ""After a while it feels shit to realise that you aren’t anyone’s priority"
I totally understand this. I am in this position. I have found that in lockdown people just disappeared into their families and close circles and it turns out I'm not important to any of them.

I won't get started on the "meeting people" exercise.

OP You are much younger than I am so I'm sure there is hope for you. There might even be hope for me! It feels like a long time since I have been anyone's priority, and that's really really hard.

I'm sorry to read your message, but it really resonated with me and want you to know your not alone in feeling like this.
I lost my parents when I was young, i have a son who is 11, he is autistic so can go ong periods without talking. Hes really wonderful, but at times it feel.so.isolating as he is happoest at home just us. I have a younger sister and since she met her partner and had children she makes very little time for me and my son. I have good friends, but they are so busy with their partners/children/jobs/parents etc I see them infrequently. I was with my sister a few weeks ago and her partner called to see if she would grab some milk on the way home and they had a quick discussion about what they were having for tea. It made me feel so lonely. I go days without talking to another adult. I try online dating occasionally, but it's so hard to find anyone I have a good connection with
I'm so happy with almost all other parts of my life, but I so wish I had that 1 special person could share it with, share the mundane. I'm trying to make decisions about some building work and it's so lonely having nobody to discuss it with.

Yes groups can be good we have a chat on the walks. I agree with pp find it hard to pin friends to dates. One friend kids do loads sports so she really busy. So months do pass

I honestly think WFH has a lot to answer for in that respect. Without a doubt it’s a positive option for people and it can be a really good thing, but it does mean that people who used to see maybe 10-15 people a day, 5 days a week, in the office now see nobody. It’s not so bad if you live with your family/partner/friends but I can easily see where if you live alone and wfh you could spend weeks on end never actually interacting with another human beyond a “hi” in the supermarket!

On my work from home days I am literally like a duracell bunny when my husband gets home because I feel like I have a full day of chat to make up for!

Whatever. My points were valid, magpie was avoiding answering questions but ok to pull apart my points. So as they were ignoring my questions but just repeating the same points I just tried to narrow down the question to be specific. And magpie still hasn't really got what I mean so I'll leave it there. Magpie is ok saying they feel 😳 at people saying join groups, but there's nothing wrong with joining groups or meeting people in the workplace because one day that person you meet you might discover it is your soul mate. I did. Plenty do.