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Original poster

How to cope when your life isn’t how you imagined it?

58 replies

Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:31

I’m slipping into a deep depression.

My life isn’t anything like how I thought it would be.
I live 150 miles away from my parents and family. I can’t move to be nearer to them for two reasons 1) financial 2) I live with my DP and our son, he won’t let me take our son to live elsewhere and he doesn’t want to move.

We have very little income and our house is small, old and ugly.

I always envisioned living near to my family and having regular contact and support with my parents once I’d had a child.
We are currently staying with them for Easter and I’ve realised what I’m missing , my DS loves spending time with his grandparents , uncle and auntie. Having the ‘village’ that I’m so desperately missing where I currently live is what I always imagined.

What doesn’t help is that myself and DP are really not getting along at the moment, but he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want (won’t allow me)
to move back with my son to be with my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:42

@5128gap As I said in the previous post, I’d do this in a heartbeat…but I’d either have to leave my son (not something I’m willing to do) or take him with me anyway and then end up being taken to court by DP

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 10:40

5128gap · 03/04/2024 10:39

If I were you and felt so strongly, I'd tell my partner that I was moving and that he could come with me or we would have to separate. You would after all only be asking of him what he is expecting of you - to live somewhere he doesnt want to. In an ideal world, partners agree on these things, but where they can't, it really does boil down to a choice between the relationship and the life you want with the support network you need.

Except that they have a child together and the move is 150 miles, so it’s not as easy as “we’re going, like it or not”.

Original poster
Blackandorange · 03/04/2024 10:40

@Plumedenom

Yes, I’d move in a heartbeat. But he won’t move because where we live is his hometown and his parents live there. So he has support and family and I just have to continue to be unhappy long term.
He said I’m welcome to move, but he won’t allow me to take our son with me. So obviously I can’t do that, I’m not going to cut my own contact with my DS. So I’m really stuck, some days I feel suicidal because of it - I see no way out and no way of being happy again.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 10:39

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re struggling.

I think the previous poster has a really good point in that sometimes things don’t go as you expected and you have to just roll with it. Dwelling on how different your life is from what you thought it would have been is where madness lies, and comparison is the thief of joy.

The reality is that the grass always looks greener but it very rarely actually is, you might find that even if you lived nearer to family you would just have a different list of problems.

5128gap · 03/04/2024 10:39

If I were you and felt so strongly, I'd tell my partner that I was moving and that he could come with me or we would have to separate. You would after all only be asking of him what he is expecting of you - to live somewhere he doesnt want to. In an ideal world, partners agree on these things, but where they can't, it really does boil down to a choice between the relationship and the life you want with the support network you need.

Plumedenom · 03/04/2024 10:38

By the way, I live over a thousand miles away from my family support network so I do understand the feeling when you go back. However I have developed a "village" of friends that fills the gap to a great extent. That took time and effort though, and I was lucky enough to find like minded people.

Plumedenom · 03/04/2024 10:35

It sounds like you are very unhappy in your relationship to me, and being back home reminded you what happiness feels like. What is keeping DP where you are? What is his reasoning for staying somewhere where you are clearly miserable? I assume he has a reason. What I mean is, of you already have financial problems, wouldn't it be better to have financial problems near your family support network?

TheSnowyOwl · 03/04/2024 10:35

I didn’t expect one of my children to die or for two other children to be neurodivergent. It’s not what I envisaged but I suppose we need to keep going.

I live fairly close to my parents but I’m more of a carer for them than the other way round. I do have friends and a happy marriage but I can’t see one of my children will ever be able to leave home and I have plenty of reservations about the vulnerability of another.