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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step-child still has dummy age 4.5?

131 replies

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 09:02

AIBU to have an opinion on my step-child still being allowed a dummy at 4.5 years old? (It's killing me).

My partner (child's dad) is happy to be led by his ex (child's mum) on this. She is showing no inclination to wean the child off the dummy yet.

The child is happy, confident, well-adjusted, articulate, very clever, no speech impairments or developmental issues - in fact they are often mistaken for being older. So on that front there's an argument to say "what's the problem with the dummy then?"

But for me to see this child who is so capable of letting go of this attachment (which I'd say is completely unnecessary) being allowed to cling on to it for no apparent reason is bothering me a lot!!

I'm maybe overthinking this but it feels as though the child's mother has an emotional need to keep them babied for as long as possible. There are other older step children (her kids) that she struggles to see growing up (they are secondary school age).

I have mentioned lightly to my partner that the child is far to old to have a dummy and doesn't need it, and encouraged him to bring this up with the child's mother, but he doesn't feel the need to and continues to wait until the child's mother instigates getting rid of it. The child starts school in September.

AIBU to expect the child's parents to be doing something about this?

OP posts:

2mummies1baby · 03/04/2024 10:20

You acknowledge the dummy is not causing any problems. The poor kid isn't even school age and she's already had her parents split up, her dad start a relationship with someone else and she is now living between two homes, with only one of her parents with her at a time. The dummy provides her with comfort and consistency between her two homes.

sunnyatlast · 03/04/2024 10:20

I don't think this is any of your business, step back and keep your nose out.
One day you might have your own child and then it will be your turn to be a parent but until then keep your opinions to yourself and let the parents parent.

Original poster

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:18

WavesAndWildflowers · 03/04/2024 10:09

I think you need to step back and leave it to the parents.

Your partner sounds like a wet lettuce and a bit shit though. I couldn’t be arsed being in a relationship with someone like that, especially about parenting his children.

He's actually wonderful and I wouldn't be without him. Yes, he was conditioned for years to keep quiet and let the child's mother be the boss, but my relationship with him is very different. He might've been a bit of a 'wet lettuce' in his previous life, but I can confirm him and I have a very equal and respectful relationship where we both have opinions and make decisions.

OP posts:

Maxus · 03/04/2024 10:16

How would it be harder to get rid off? My child gave it up himself at 5, other kids I know stopped soon after. Kids do know when they are ready to stop, you don't see teenagers going round sucking dummies.

EIIaM · 03/04/2024 10:16

I think you need to leave then to it, although your DH sounds like he could do with growing a pair.

But yeah 4.5 with a dummy is ridiculous.

Westfacing · 03/04/2024 10:16

In the overall scheme of things it doesn't seem such a big deal considering the dummy is only in use at your house overnight so you don't actually see it that much - it would be 'killing me' more to have three DSC staying half the week!

The child is very young to have divorced parents and the father now living in a different family - maybe there's an underlying need for the comfort of the dummy.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/04/2024 10:14

Meh. A dummy at night really isn’t a big deal. It’s obviously a comfort to a young child who is having to live between two homes, with a step parents and step siblings etc. The child’s life is already full of disruption, let her have her comfort item. It’s not doing any harm or causing offence, lots of children sleep with a comforter of some kind or still suck their thumb for example. If neither of her parents see it as a big deal then it’s none of your business, no doubt there are lots of children at 4 who still sleep with a dummy (I had mine until 6) you just don’t know about it because you wouldn’t normally get to see another persons child overnight like you do as a step parent. Live and let live and if it really offends you that much maybe you aren’t fit to be part of a blended family with a small child who is seeking a bit of a comfort in a harmless way.

Original poster

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:13

TheSnowyOwl · 03/04/2024 10:01

In 4.5 years the child has presumably seen their parents split up, her father get remarried to someone who judges her and his parenting, and have to fit in with another family as well as being separated from her mother for days at a time. That’s just things from her father’s side or things.

And you want to take away her source of comfort? Poor kid.

The child won't remember their parents splitting (before I was on the scene I must add!) and yes they have 2 homes but won't know any different. I've been in their life since they were a baby.

The child is very well adjusted and happy, content, well looked after at both homes. They have multiple sources of comfort besides a plastic teet for goodness sake!!! They have just learned to associate sleep time with having a dummy and my opinion is that this very happy, loved, content child simply doesn't require it any more and the longer they're attached the harder it will be to get rid of?

OP posts:

Maxus · 03/04/2024 10:11

So the trigger for you is how ridiculous it looks. It's not the child's fault she is tall for her age. Get over yourself

WavesAndWildflowers · 03/04/2024 10:09

I think you need to step back and leave it to the parents.

Your partner sounds like a wet lettuce and a bit shit though. I couldn’t be arsed being in a relationship with someone like that, especially about parenting his children.

x2boys · 03/04/2024 10:09

It's none if your business really ,if she's 4.5 is this a fairly new relationship ?
Just trying to understand the timeliness because from the child's point t of view there seems to have been quite a,lot of upheaval in her young life ,maybe a dummy comforts her ?

Original poster

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:07

TotoroElla · 03/04/2024 09:54

Children have sucking needs up to about 7, I think. If the child and parents are happy, I don't see the problem. Isn't it more that you feel other people are judging you for the dummy that is really killing you? (Genuine question)

The dummy is only used at nighttime at our house, and I think at the mother's house too although I did bump into them at the supermarket about 6 months ago and the child had the dummy at lunchtime. So other people outside the home wouldn't associate it with me / my partner. It's definitely my personal opinion that I'm grappling with!

I think the trigger for me is seeing how ridiculous it looks! The child is tall for their age and mature, confident, very chatty and articulate, and then there's this thing in their mouth. I see them in the morning when they wake up and it just feels like such an unnecessary addition. I honestly believe the child is more than ready to give it up developmentally but there's no attempt from the parents to encourage letting go. It comes out once breakfast is ready and they don't have it in the day.

Going through it in this chat is helping me get to grips with it being just my opinion (which I'm entitled to!) but not something I need to get involved with. 😫

OP posts:

TinyYellow · 03/04/2024 10:03

You can have an opinion, but you need to keep it to yourself. I don’t like children having dummies like that either, but not my children, not my business.

TheSnowyOwl · 03/04/2024 10:01

And you want to take away her source of comfort? Poor kid.

LiterallyOnFire · 03/04/2024 09:57

'Staying out of it' disengages me from his kids and I find myself paying less and less interest in them to avoid developing opinions, which also isn't healthy.

There are lot of children in the world and most of them are not yours.

Don't you have nieces, nephews, friends children and so on that you're used to taking a non-parental interest in? You need to practise anyway, if only for grandparenting.

TotoroElla · 03/04/2024 09:54

Maxus · 03/04/2024 09:43

One of mine had a nighttime dummy untill he was 5 when he gave it up by himself. He needed the comfort untill then. He is now a confident 16 year old getting mostly 8s and looking at good GCSE results. No teeth problems. Yes people tried to meddle telling me it was wrong 🙄 I say look at him.bow, no ill effects he just needed the comfort untill HE was ready to stop.

takealettermsjones · 03/04/2024 09:29

I'd stay out of it. I know you're involved in childcare but it is up to mum/dad, and there might be a whole host of reasons that you're not party to. Give dad info on the impact on teeth if you want, as a PP said, but pushing this will not go well.

Mrsjayy · 03/04/2024 09:28

One of mine had theirs at 4 for bedtime it was gone by the time school at 5, it's a process removing comforter. Some kids have teddies or blankies and are still comfort breastfeeding a dummy is just the same, and if her parents don't want to remove it just yet that's up to them,

Original poster

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 09:25

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/04/2024 09:10

A kid of that age doesn’t need a dummy. Especially during that day. But this is a case of not your kid, not your problem. Stay out of it, it’s for the parents to decide.

Yeah I try to adopt that mindset, but it can be hard when we have my partner's kids so often (3 nights per week). 'Staying out of it' disengages me from his kids and I find myself paying less and less interest in them to avoid developing opinions, which also isn't healthy.

I know... I'm the grown-up and I've chosen to enter into a relationship with a man who has children, so I need to suck it up!! Not easy!

OP posts:

HummingbirdChandelier · 03/04/2024 09:25

This is why I would never live with a man with DCs! It’s a hiding to nothing

Original poster

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 09:20

Haydenn · 03/04/2024 09:14

And this is why so many people give men with kids the swerve when it comes to dating. It’s ridiculous the kid has a dummy and that they aren’t even planning to ween them off the dummy.

People will say it’s nothing to do with you, but I bet there are other tasks that you are expected to do when it comes to childcare. 🙄

My partner's 3 kids stay at our house three nights per week. Sometimes this equates to 5 full days (eg 7:00am Tuesday until 6:00pm Wednesday = 1 night but 2 days). So yes, absolutely I am very involved in all aspects of the children's lives! Switching off my opinions on matters such as these is very very difficult!!

I also have 3 of my own, they are older teens and one has left home. I regard myself as an experienced parent... 😆

OP posts:

Haydenn · 03/04/2024 09:14

And this is why so many people give men with kids the swerve when it comes to dating. It’s ridiculous the kid has a dummy and that they aren’t even planning to ween them off the dummy.

People will say it’s nothing to do with you, but I bet there are other tasks that you are expected to do when it comes to childcare. 🙄

Original poster

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 09:10

DuchessNope · 03/04/2024 09:04

Why is their father’s reluctance to get them to give up the dummy not indicate a need to keep the child as a baby?

Maybe the mum is also weirdly passive and waiting for the dad to instigate the change.

Edited

The dynamic between the father and mother is that she was always 'the one in charge' while they were together (18 years). I've seen their interactions and how if the father attempts to instigate anything regarding parental decisions he gets shut down pretty quick. It's not the healthiest dynamic - he's learned to allow her to take the lead even when he disagrees.

My dynamic with him is very different - I like to hear his opinion and enjoy him taking the lead with various things.

OP posts:

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/04/2024 09:10

A kid of that age doesn’t need a dummy. Especially during that day. But this is a case of not your kid, not your problem. Stay out of it, it’s for the parents to decide.

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