Step-child still has dummy age 4.5?

@bubblesforbreakfast just out of interest what sort of problems does it cause? How does it affect speech? I’d genuinely like to learn.

Snobbery

YANBU to think that 4 is too old for a dummy, ideally it is. But YABU to be so dramatic about it- “it’s killing me”. I couldn’t get that worked up about it, especially as the child only has it at night.

One of mine had a dummy (at nighttime only) until they were 7. Not what I had planned but SN made them very resistant to any change of routine and dummy was very much part of routine and also comfort. While this child doesn’t have SN from what you’ve said, a comforter is a hard habit to break for any child and the dummy is probably just that.

The NHS advice is, as usual, aimed at lowest common denominator. A child who has a dummy for an hour a night while they fall asleep then it falls out, will be perfectly fine, but because some parents will shove a dummy in all day every day and that will harm teeth and speech, the advice has to be to ditch them at 12 months. Like alcohol in pregnancy. There’s no evidence that a small amount is harmful, but because some women would overdo it the official advice has to be none.

You said all children will get teeth and speech problems. Im pointing out that it's not true for all children.finger suckers suffer more teeth problems than dummies.

Speech therapist here. You say the child doesn't have a speech impediment but believe me they will do. It stops people
Dead in their tracks when I say "did you have a dummy when you were younger". Never been wrong.
Aside from that it's an hneccesary sleep crutch.
Child sounds like they have a lovely stable set of homes.
With that said I doubt you'd be thanked for interfering. In your position I may suggest to your partner you get child checked over by a (private) speech therapist (only way you won't wait 3 years...). They will be able to tell child's parents in clear terms the damage it's doing to their jaw and their speech patterns.

If she only has it at night, why do you care? Plenty of children suck their thumb at night until they are much older. It isn’t any different. Why cause the upset for everyone because you are snobby about dummies.

Ah yes, your anecdote about your children definitely counteracts the rigorously tested evidence used by the NHS when giving out public health advice lol.

They're fine for babies, they're actually protective against SIDS. But the NHS advise to wean them off between 6-12m and ditch them complete by 12m. The impact on speech, dental hygiene, teeth alignment, are all well documented.

Not sure what 'current research' you're referring to, but once it's been rigorously tested and peer-reviewed I'm sure the NHS will catch up.

That's funny considering none of my kids have teeth or speech issues, are now all teens and all sucked dummies one if which gives it up at 5. So your comment is not correct.

It’s obviously not necessary, but neither are most aspects of modern, western childhood. It’s not necessary for a child to have a favourite doll/ teddy, it’s not necessary for a child to have a birthday party, it’s not necessary for a child to go and see Santa, its not necessary for a child to watch CBeebies, it’s not necessary for children to have snacks between meals, it’s not necessary for children to have clothes with favourite TV characters on etc. Many children growing up elsewhere in the world don’t have access to these things, they’re not necessary, but they bring children happiness, joy or comfort and so lots of parents choose to give them. Lots of things one parent sees as necessary another would see as unnecessary, but there are no hard and fast rules for how to bring up children or what is and isn’t necessary. As long as a decision isn’t harmful then to an extent you have to live and let live when it comes to how other parents choose to raise their children.

You can help it though.

Just out of interest WHY do people hate dummies so much? current research is showing it doesn’t have such an impact on teeth or speech, especially if only at night, and actually we are all now more aware of how important psychological comfort is to children which we didn’t understand previously. So what’s the terrible issue?

Ooof. I would struggle to watch this and do nothing. That poor child! Regardless of how bright they are, it WILL affect their speech, and their dental health.

Having said that, your partner is a wet lettuce who clearly doesn't actually want to step up and parent when it comes to this issue. It takes 30s to google it and see the current health recommendation which is to stop dummy use by 12m. If he cba to do that and take the dummy and have a chat with his co-parent I'd question his efficacy as a father tbh.

And if my ex and his siblings are anything to go by, followed in a few years with suitably middleclass extensive orthodontic treatment (the only thing that stopped any of them from sucking their fingers/thumbs as the braces made it impossible - even dry socket didn't stop one of them).

I wasn't particularly happy to find MIL removing a perfectly clean dummy and trying to shove a less than clean hand into the mouth of my by-then screaming baby, anyhow. 'My dentist stopped me in the street one day to say how nice it was to see all of my children sucking their thumbs and fingers, so I'm teaching her to do the same', apparently.

Anyhow, whatever your private thoughts on it, it's the decision of both parents and likely to be an important thing for the child during the transitions between houses. So the dummy stays until they or the child decide otherwise.

My toddler uses a dummy also only at night and my dentist says as long as it’s away by the time they start losing baby teeth and getting adult teeth then it’s fine…

What has the child's height got to do with anything?

Also you say you haven't voiced an opinion on it, so have you ever actually had any conversations with the EW about this? Because you seem very sure that she's not put any thought into it and has no plans to wean them off it. For all you know she may have a plan but has just not realised she has to run all her parenting decisions past you.

That's what my son did untill he turned 5 when he stopped himself. Like I said now 16, confident, no teeth problems , no speech problems, he just needed the comfort untill he was ready to stop. If I had taken it off him before he was ready it would have caused upset and disturbed sleep? Why would anyone put their kid through that?

I just can’t get het up about a four year old having a dummy at night. My kids did too, and gave it up soon after with zero tears or angst.

A far better approach, IMO, than the MNers who advocate for getting rid of them before age one or two, with days/weeks of upset. Or the blasted “dummy fairy”.

So why worry so much?

Can't stand a dummy in a kid over one. It's gross. But if the mum thinks it's fine and dad is not going to disagree not much you can do. If the child is in reception though do they have it there? My DD stopped sucking her thumb first day as she was teased.

Just to make yourself feel better - we fought to give our DD a dummy. She spat it out every single time from when she was a baby until she was a toddler. We would turn round to find her sucking her thumb. However she doesn't suck it every single night and for all night.