Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

This must surely be a wind up
I hope you told her where to get off, OP

Good. Family meets ups where your DD is excluded / not allowed to attend are absolutely unacceptable.

your DH and you need to be a united front and make it clear to SIL and the entire family that you won’t accept it. It’s either all the children or none of them!

good luck!

Sad sad circs but when I read that she has banned your bil from being around your daughter, I went over to the don't feed crazy side....next thing is she will be hiding her own child away. I think if you agree, then you will be supporting her attitude in a way that will benefit nobody, not her and not the child. Yes she needs gentle handling but I don't think you should go along with it....not just for the sake of you and your child, although that's important of course but for the sake of her and her child too.

@NaiceUser we can use Scottish words if we like, you don’t get to tell anyone their language is cringe go speak the queens English if that’s what you like but we’ll keep calling our autistic kids our wee spicy kiddos thanks.

I’d not be giving her any help at all, and that’s as both a SEN mum and an autistic person. Sorry but she doesn’t get to just make your daughter disappear and act like she isn’t a person in existence, and nor does she get to ban your daughter’s uncle from being in her life. What a vile woman, you owe her nothing.

I could never go along with pretending any of my children exist, it would make me feel awful, guilty and would be tempting fate.

Your SILs desire to ignore the existence of your daughter is bigger than her desire to help her son, or she wouldn’t be putting all of these restrictions around it.

That’s how much she wants your child to have not been born.

That's a completely unreasonable expectation. No, don't help her out under those ridiculous conditions.

Jeez….not ok OP. Protect your own DC from this damaging woman. She can get SEN support elsewhere. Her poor youngest boy will feel not good enough too. This has got future family trauma written all over it.

She’s completely nuts. What a madam she is! I think she needs a jolly good talking to by her husband! She hasn’t lost a child so there is no need for her dh to be pussyfooting around this utter self indulgent nonsense. I know it’s harder for you as you have her Sen child to consider as well as your own baby so I think her dh needs to deal with her ridiculous behaviour.

Wee is a perfectly viable word in the Scots language. Yes it's an actual language, not a dialect or accent.

For anyone interested - Check out MissPunnypennie on Instagram for more Scots words! She's ace!

Absolutely do NOT do this OP. What are you even thinking !!! You'll be as batshit and awful as her if you do,towards you own child for goodness sake.

Whilst you can be understanding if her disappointment you lot need to stop feeding and pandering to it because it's only making it more deep seated and allowing her to think its OK to continue like this. What happens at Xmas or birthdays or family events- your dd is never to be acknowledged by anyone or her presence celebrated. There's enough people in this world who talk negatively of females or a female child being born to a family instead of a boy ( I appreciate this isn't what's happening here ) but the sentiment is the same, do you want dd to feel 'less than' when growing up, just because this women is present in your lives. Fix up and give you head a wobble for even thinking of doing this- put your daughter first and then everyone else needs comes after. Deleting her picture not mentioning her like how could you contemplate it as her mum!

I think you shouldn't deal with her. Give your BIL the info, but as everyone has said, you have to stop pandering to her. It's really not healthy for anyone.

Another one to say hard conversation now is difficult but better than leaving it, as it sounds baked in & what demands will be next.

You are lovely to help her op, and she’s obviously mentally unwell if she can’t cope with the disappointment of not having a girl which is obviously very accute for her. There’s probably something else going on with her - potential asd herself maybe, or depression, or something else that has made her latch on to this difficulty, while ignoring her blessings.

But you shouldn’t help her to the extent that you effectively obliterate your own daughter. That’s not helping. That’s enabling!

A sign of good mental health is an ability to be flexible and bend with the wind rather than be rigid and be broken by it. I bet my bottom dollar she has another undiagnosed condition underlying this specific issue.

It’s not your job to persuade her over to your pov op. You stick to your perfectly reasonable boundaries. It’s very sad that you may lose a friendship but your first loyalty is to your dd.

Your SIL needs help badly. I wonder if you giving her help this way could maybe open the door to discussions over her needing therapy over her issues with gender disappointment?

I feel some sympathy for her. My only daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks. I have four lovely sons, but I find being around baby girls very difficult. Even 17 years later, it hurts and I don't think any amount of therapy will ever take that away for me.

That said, the SIL is way out of line. Her sons must be picking up on this and getting the idea that they aren't good enough for her.

She wants you to change your phone wallpaper if it’s your daughter?!

Tell her to get fucked! The audacity of it!!

You are such a nice person to think you would be flamed. This is a hard hard no, how dare she, who does she think she is. She had two lovely boys and thinks you can not speak of your daughter. She needs help badly.

This woman needs to get over herself. She’s an adult, not 5 years old, and her ridiculous ‘gender disappointment’ matters only to her, and frankly she needs to grow the fuck up and stop being so pathetic. Awhhh poor baby didn’t get the exact toy she wanted. Pfft.

And you need to never, ever deny your daughter. Not to her, not to anyone. You’re a proud mother. If she wants to ignore your child, she should be ignored in return.

Help your brother in law with what he needs and then he can teach his wife but you do not concede to her demands. She is an absolutely awful human being to take offence at the existence of a baby.

She needs therapy.

You need to disengage from her until she cops on. This includes your husband.

You come across as a really lovely person op.

Your DH needs to talk to his brother because her disappointment has turned into extreme grief and that will cause lasting damage across the family. She's stuck in the grieving stage of denial, which is after anger. She needs for everyone to stop pandering to this and to even seek therapy, if she can't move on.

The irony of being told to regulate your speech on a thread about being told to regulate what you say to SIL

Sounds like she herself might be neurodiverse & without any help or support is just festering in it- I think your brother in law needs to step up & accept his family & niece though wayyyyy before you agree to help them again

This pisses me off so much. I’m struggling to conceive my first child. I have wanted to be a mum for my entire life and the fact that it’s not happening is killing me. She has two healthy children and conceived straight away. She can get in the bin.
My friend has a 5 month old and my other friend is pregnant. Is it painful for me sometimes? Yes. Do I let them know how painful? Absolutely not. How dare she.