Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

Does she refuse to have dealings with anyone who has a daughter? I feel for her kids and dh tbh and I’d tell her to where to go. No help whatsoever if she expects you to pretend your daughter doesn’t exist. She needs a referral for MH support herself. That’s very abnormal behaviour.

What baffles me is that (a) she says this shit out loud, (b) nobody calls her out on it there and then and worse (c) actually delivers her ridiculous message to the intended recipient

no dw, that’s not reasonable, you can’t make such ridiculous demands from anyone to pretend their own child doesn’t exist and NO, I’m not telling her anything about not saying her child’s name or changing her Lock Screen. YOU dw need to manage this and stop being so unspeakably rude to our family members. ESPECIALLY if you’re asking for their help ffs.

I know you want to help your nephew, but in the longer term, they are going to pick up on their mum's disappointment about being a boy, that's a huge thing for them to have to deal with. You'll be helping far more if you point out to her that she has to get some help for this and that her demands are completely unreasonable.

I’d ask BIL if her son’s parents friends were subject to the same rules, if their parents had to pretend their sisters didn’t exist? Are girls from the class allowed to be invited to child’s birthday parties?
if she wants a girl, she goes to Cyprus and has cheap ivf there.

Great response, now take that attitude to sil. ‘I’d love to help but I can’t come around with your rules as I don’t pretend my daughter doesn’t exist for you or anyone else’

she needs to grow the fuck op, get help if she can’t manage it on her own, there’s no shame in needing help. And if she can’t, there are many many other sen experts. She doesn’t get to insist on you.

You are not responsible for how she feels. Your daughter is not responsible for how she feels. She is projecting her sense of loss? entitlement? and those are her issues to deal with.

Demanding that you change your behaviour to make her feel better is unacceptable. You are offering to be a kind and supportive SIL, which again, is not a god given responsibility for you to take on.

She is so lucky to have you offer help and assistance.

Tip-toeing around her won't help anyone in the long-term, someone (BIL?) must encourage her to seek professional help so this attitude of hers can be rectified.

I can't believe not only are you helping but you arr letting your boys be around this deranged type of thinking. Personally I would cut her off and if BIL wants to come over he can, but I wouldn't be pandering to her temper tantrums anymore. It's a shame for the cousins but I would never let one of my children be an outsider.

My SIL has refused to acknowledge the existence of our DD for an even more stupid reason.

She has not asked us to do her any favours and I don't think she would dare to, but if she did I would say, "Why would I help someone who has treated our family like this?"

Nope absolutely not. It’s understandable she might be privately upset but it is totally unreasonable to freeze out your baby in this way.

She definitely needs some therapy, she is kind of hating on an eight month old girl just because of her genitalia. Gender disappointment definitely exists I know I felt it after my eldest was announced as a girl. However like most people you get over it and I loved her from the minute she came out. Then when my son came along it honestly didn't matter what he was.

In regards to the SEN stuff i'd be tempted to give it to her in your professional capacity rather than as a mum with sen children. If she wants the mum version then she needs to be accepting of your family situation. Your daughter is part of the picture in your family and how your family dynamics work with your Sen children. You can't really mention your experiences and leave put a child.

She's unhinged. Not a chance in hell would I pander to that.

I feel sorry for that family. Two lovely little boys who aren't good enough, a husband tiptoeing round her and at the heart of it a deeply unhappy woman. She is to be pitied in my book but I have no idea how it can all move on but for her sake I hope it can.

"Neurospicy"?? When did that word become a thing? How daft. And utterly patronising, like the autism" is a superpower" eejits. Bloody isnt if you have it or are caring for someone with it. How can we hope to accept the differences in each other when this terms are used - it makes people feel special or different when they are not, they are just "them".

Well, I have learned yet another new thing on MN today, along with the poster who said she will reprogram her peacock not to wake her early 😂

Please don’t engage with your SIL. I had to have a termination for medical reasons over 20 years ago. My cousin’s child was born on the same date a few years ago. It’s been very hard at times but there is no way that I would ever not have had a relationship with his child because of what I’d had to do. Please, please, don’t deny your daughter her existence because you have a batshit SIL x

I'm glad you're going to put your foot down and refuse any further accommodations that exclude your daughter.

DIL needs to stop being a complete and utter ass, frankly. Imagine excluding a small child for being a girl ... because she wanted one. She sounds like a stroppy, spoilt toddler!

Absolutely not! How dare she ask you to act as if your daughter doesn't exist. Tell her to fuck off and grow up! Some of us would given anything to be able to have just one child, regardless of sex!

There is no way I'd put up with with her childish demands.
You're daughter is a baby now but will sister in law ignore her permanently? No way would she get my help ,sympathy or time
I'd block and move on and do what right by your daughter

Sil autistic?
Huge reaction out of proportion
I'm autistic too ,
As to what I do
Some one up thread nailed it saying,don't feed crazy

Does she have any siblings of her own who have DD’s and how does she treat them? What about her friends?