Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

Goodness, be wise. She isn't Ok. I know how she feels not having a daughter it's disappointing but she is blessed to have children! There are 100s of parents trying to conceive and one day she will be grateful and accept the hand life has given her. Plus she does have options now with technology

@SpidersAreShitheads So, purely out of curiosity, I have tried one of the meds and it was as though a fog lifted and/or my vision was suddenly clear. I’ve not been formally diagnosed, but I was informally told that I was AuDHD like both my kids by their clinical team who asked whether I’d like to book in for an official diagnosis so I can get assistance at uni (am a PhD student for my sins). At the time, I dismissed it as I’m a bit old, but the effect of the meds was so striking I am actually going to do it now I’ve tried them!!

DD is very uncertain what she wants to do - most of the time I think she wants to study animation/game art but she has a bee in her bonnet about her friends/school peers all being at Russell Group Unis. I think she has low self esteem and pretty much hates herself - and her autistic self - so really needs therapy. But we’ve hit every wall in the NHS with regard getting that. We’re now on a waitlist at the private clinic in the hope that they might be able to reach her. She is crapping her life away (up all night, sleeps all day, down’t eat properly, never goes outside - real depression) and I’ve no idea how to scaffold her into a position where she can try to be happy. We’d be over the moon if she was a game artist or her name appeared on the credits of an indie animation - we couldn’t give a shit what uni, or no uni at all. Don’t care when, just so long as we are moving in that direction.

Am so mad that CAMHS/NHS has offered eff all, referred her to the Tavistick when she was 13 and then just left her to stew without any therapy or input because - obviously - the Tavi would sort it all out wouldn’t they? Even our MP intervened to get her seen after 3 years of waiting for at least an initial assessment, but she’s been seen a few times a year since then. Early intervention and therapy support from the start might have helped. But I’ve been reading about DBT and will see if Oxford ADHD offer that now!

Sorry, @Lwrenn guilty of hijacking your thread!!

@BusyMummy001 - ah gosh, that's all really hard. Such a difficult situation - the bloody internet is a blessing and a curse!!

It's such a tricky age anyway, and that's all just amplified when you chuck neurodivergence into the mix. And of course, your DD will have been right in the throes of all the lockdown/COVID woes - it's all bound to take its toll.

Sorry, sympathy doesn't really help you I know!

I haven't tried ADHD meds yet (but plan to when I get round to it lol!!) - but I understand that lots of them have unwanted side effects. It's just about finding the meds that are the most tolerable.... I know some people don't manage to find one that works for them without unbearable side effects, but others say their life has been transformed by finding the right combination. I really hope that the new ones work for your DD. I was reading something recently that said it can be trickier to find the right meds if you're AuDHD rather than just ADHD because the autism plays a role (they just don't know exactly what yet!) It's really positive she's willing to keep trying different meds, and that you're under a clinic that knows its stuff.

Does your DD have a career goal? Just wondering if she absolutely needs an art diploma to get into the field she wants. Even if she does, could she take a year out to regroup and focus on her mental health?

Could she sell her artwork on Etsy or whatever during the next year as something to focus on? Or do voluntary work in a related field? Just take a step away from academia, albeit temporarily, especially while she's trialling different meds.

I've heard DBT - as opposed to CBT - is supposed to work well for ND folk. Is that something you've looked into - might be helpful alongside trying the meds?

@SpidersAreShitheads yes, we’ve gone privately recently via the Oxford ADHD Centre. Working our way through the drugs (methylphenidate > dexamphetamine (both quite good but there is always soooomething she doesn’t like, usually picked up from the internet) > starting atomoxetine, poss with low dose of the dexy next week); been on quetiapine for a year and frankly that has just stabilised at her in ‘permanent shitty mood’, but we are finally coming off that now too. Keep hoping we’ll find the right one. Hoping the new meds are the magic formula. She is extraordinarily artistically gifted anf got 10 GCSEs, mainly 8s and 9s but has dropped out of 6th form twice and leaning into her autism/depression/‘I’m a retard’ so A levels/art diploma going down the loo along with all my personal savings… 🤦🏽‍♀️

Good update OP, sounds as if your DH doesn't stand any nonsense! Hopefully you can go round there now with your DD and put all this behind you.

As for the issues with the DN - I think implementing better parenting techniques can only be a good thing. Myself, and every other SEN parent I know, had to jump through hoops first to prove that it wasn't our parenting that was causing the issues. In our county, parenting courses are offered first and then only if the problems persist will you be taken seriously.

It's a bit frustrating when you KNOW it's not your parenting, and it just delays things while you prove that's the case. However, I can see why it's necessary and it does weed out any other potential causes for the behaviour.

In the case of your BIL and SIL, if it turns out that DN does have SEN, they'll be one step ahead because they can demonstrate they've already tried the recommended parenting techniques. So it's a win/win - either he's just bored/frustrated in which case it should resolve, or if it is SEN, then the professionals will be more inclined to take them seriously as they've been proactive about trying to address the difficulties.

Is your DD on meds for ADHD? My understanding is that the right meds can literally be life-changing.

Also, are there are any funds available for private therapists, or were you looking for NHS only?

I was at a SEN meet today and talking to a parent about the difficulties they're experiencing with their 20yr old bright, autistic DS who's also convinced he always knows best 🤦🏻‍♀️ It is very hard once our children reach adulthood. I almost think it's "easier" for our children who have higher needs, as the path is clearer in many ways.

Thanks - am on the surrey/hants border. Camhs were beyond shit and the adult community team are possibly even more useless. I despair, frankly.

Ask the wonderful ladies of Ladders of Life in Liverpool. They really helped me & might be able to signpost you to other organisations.

Wow.

Does your DH know of organisations that might support older AuDHD teens (18)? Very bright, thinks she knows everything, but hitting our head against a wall trying to get support that might actually reach her and help her stop being the self sabotaging herself? Happy to PM?

What do you mean? Is "smearing/chewing shirts/stimming/violent/non verbal/being flagged at school as problematic" how you are determining who is ND and who isn't?

Your nephew isn't at school yet, so school won't have flagged anything, plus a lot of issues don't become apparent until children are in those types of settings because they're being exposed to overwhelming situations and expectations.

And therein lies the reason why so many autistic kids cannot get diagnosed because of long waiting lists.

Picky with food fine but how do you know your young child likes coke? Give me a break. There are red flags right there.

I'd much rather children be assessed and told they are not ND, than have ND children not be assessed because their uncle said they're NT.

Absolutely not , I’d be saying you are here but until she accepts her daughter is there and stops acting like a selfish child and gives you respect you deserve there won’t be a relationship . She sounds batshit .

Conversely have you any idea how many parents genuinely are sloppy and looking for an excuse?

Have you any idea how many parents are told that their ND children are just badly parented? The limited diets, the preference for junk food, the need for screens, the bouncing off the walls, is all dismissed as bad parenting when in fact those things can also be features of many people's ND profile. There are two children in that household, but only one of them is showing "neurospicy" traits. How come the other child doesn't have issues despite being badly parented too?

To be fair, when you're speaking to a person who wants everyone to pretend a baby doesn't exist as it hurts her feelings, you probably need to be quite blunt in your communication style to get yourself across.

There is no reason why he couldn't have listened to their concerns, then told them it will help during the process if they can show the experts that it's not related to his diet or lack of exercise. That they should keep a food diary, and a general diary about his behaviour, minimise screen times etc. This is supportive.

What he shouldn't have done is gone round there and got judgemental, angry, dismissive and authoritarian.

Oh I see, so when someone asks someone else for a favour they get to dictate the full parameters of that help and under no circumstance must the person they have asked for help give any opinion on the matter?

That is not the advice they asked for. They wanted help with the process of getting him assessed. They wanted help with supporting him. They did not ask for DH to come around to judge them and set them a list of activities to complete before he will consider supporting them.

@HollyKnight supporting someone doesn't mean ignoring their mistakes or not raising your concerns though does it? They asked for help from family members with SEN children and that's what they got. If they want a professional diagnosis they can pay for it.

I think it would be a bit rich to ask someone for advice and then start going on about their lack of qualifications simply because you don't like what they have to say.