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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children treated differently in a blended family dynamic

40 replies

HollieTalbut1997 · 02/04/2024 21:32

AIBU? I’m interested in others opinions and points of view here. I believe that in a blended family dynamic all the children involved should be treated equally, no matter the circumstances with the child’s other parent.

For context - my parents divorced when I was young and neither went on to have any more children, however my dad remarried and his new wife had a daughter from a previous relationship who does not see her dad, so my dad has raised her and she views him as her dad, which is totally fine. I have a good relationship with my step-sister.
The issue is that I feel we’re both treated very differently, it irritated me as a child/teen but has recently started to annoy me again.

When we were younger and on days out etc my step-sister would get bought things like clothes etc that she wanted but I wouldn’t ever get anything. As we got older it was things like them taking her on weekends away and little holidays but not taking me anywhere. I did raise this with my dad years ago - he denied we were treated differently at first, but then said that I was lucky as my mum did a lot of me whereas my step-sisters other parent wasn’t in her life so they were all she had. Eg he said my mum took me on nice holidays, bought me stuff I wanted etc. I don’t think this is relevant to the family my dad/stepmum have created as my mum is nothing to do with it and I’m her only child. It definitely left me feeling like the lesser favoured child.

It wasn’t something that bothered me so much as we became adults but recently there have been a few situations which have annoyed me again. My step-sisters car broke down and wasn’t worth fixing so she needed a new car, she’s currently on mat leave so she couldn’t afford a new one. My dad has gifted her his car (which is a nice and not particularly old car) for free. They also paid for her baby shower last year and when my step-sister bought her house, they gifted her all the white goods for the kitchen. I got a small housewarming gift worth less than £50 when I bought my flat.
I don’t want this to sound entitled as I don’t expect my parents to fund anything - I have purchased my car, flat etc on my own with no help however it does annoy me that it feels so unequal.

Is it unreasonable to think we should both be treated the same? I believe when you blend a family all the children involved should be treated the same as much as possible and I feel that if we were biological siblings they would treat us the same? Maybe I’m wrong as I don’t actually have biological siblings so don’t have that experience.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/04/2024 22:12

As children you admit you both had sane amount of material type stuff as your mum brought you things

As adults do you earn more than your step sibling?

It seems strange your dad and step mum would pay for all white goods in step siblings house and give her a car. Yet have given you nothing

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 02/04/2024 22:10

TheMixedGirl · 02/04/2024 22:06

Gosh reading all these stories about how some of you feel left out is really sad.

In what way?

OP posts:
Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 02/04/2024 22:07

.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 02/04/2024 22:07

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 22:02

You absolutely should have been treated equally. I had the same experience. Never taken on the ‘family’ holiday. Lower value Christmas and birthday presents than my half-siblings.

I was once asked by a family friend why I didn’t go to his wedding and I laughed and said you didn’t invite me. The invitation was addressed to “Dad, SM and family”. They went with my half-siblings. They obviously didn’t consider me family 🤷‍♀️

This sounds very similar to my situation!

OP posts:
TheMixedGirl · 02/04/2024 22:06

Gosh reading all these stories about how some of you feel left out is really sad.

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 02/04/2024 22:03

notnowmarmaduke · 02/04/2024 22:01

I suspect your father is treating you the same. And the difference is that her mother is adding to the giving to her own child.

I agree there is an element of this - but my dad gifted his car. That was totally his choice.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 22:02

You absolutely should have been treated equally. I had the same experience. Never taken on the ‘family’ holiday. Lower value Christmas and birthday presents than my half-siblings.

I was once asked by a family friend why I didn’t go to his wedding and I laughed and said you didn’t invite me. The invitation was addressed to “Dad, SM and family”. They went with my half-siblings. They obviously didn’t consider me family 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 02/04/2024 22:02

mightydolphin · 02/04/2024 21:56

I think your dad should have taken you on some holidays. I don't think you would be so upset about missing out on some if you had been on a few as you did get to go away with your mum.

It is obviously unfair and cruel to have such a big disparity in treatment now. Do they see your DSS a lot more? It just seems odd on your dad's part.

Yeah I agree - they do see her more but equally feel they make more effort with her!

OP posts:
notnowmarmaduke · 02/04/2024 22:01

I suspect your father is treating you the same. And the difference is that her mother is adding to the giving to her own child.

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 02/04/2024 22:01

No she’s 2.5 years older than me. I think it probably did make a different that they all lived together and I didn’t live there all the time

OP posts:
TheMixedGirl · 02/04/2024 21:58

Is you SSis younger than you? I just wonder if it made a difference bec they all lived in the same house and you were with your mum. However your dad should make sure you have the same as your Ssis. So yes you bought your own car but he should gift you something of equal importance or funacial equivalence to the car. Sometimes finances change and I get that but he certainly should be doing stuff for you.

mightydolphin · 02/04/2024 21:56

I think your dad should have taken you on some holidays. I don't think you would be so upset about missing out on some if you had been on a few as you did get to go away with your mum.

It is obviously unfair and cruel to have such a big disparity in treatment now. Do they see your DSS a lot more? It just seems odd on your dad's part.

socks1107 · 02/04/2024 21:52

I do think your situation does in parts sound unfair. I'm sorry you've had this as a child and now an adult.
Navigating blended families is hard and most try their best to get it right for all but what we think we've got right maybe perceived as very different to those around us. I assume they didn't want your ss to feel left out as you had your mum but in doing that it deflected onto you.

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 02/04/2024 21:46

Thanks for your perspective it’s interesting to hear others perceptions. I certainly didn’t expect them to sit around and do nothing when I wasn’t with them but I do feel that for big things like holidays I should be included unless there was a good reason for me not to be eg I already have a holiday with mum - however this was never the case.

OP posts:
socks1107 · 02/04/2024 21:41

I would say you're confusing equal with fair.
For example your dad and wife were therefore never supposed to go away unless you were around, but you could've been away with your mum. Were they all meant to sit at home? I think it's fair that your sd got holidays too.

You are right though that things aren't equal and on occasions not fair either and I would be upset. But no doubt raising it makes you look petty or jealous.
My own daughters are upset because they got a text to wish them happy Easter whilst their dad is with his new family on an Easter cruise, that's not equal or fair.
In the past it maybe does seem fair as your ss had no other involved parent so was included in everything. I think it's very difficult to get any blended family right, I know we haven't