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AIBU?

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Original poster

Too soon to get engaged?

80 replies

SleepyHollowed84 · 02/04/2024 21:15

My younger sister is 28 and got out of a 7 year long relationship in December 2022. She met her new boyfriend (aged 25) on a dating app one year ago. As soon as they met they became exclusive and have just celebrated one year together.

They are talking about getting engaged next year.

We have just had a big argument because I have expressed concern that it is moving too fast and I was asking what's the rush? She argues that when you know it's right, it's right. I worry that they haven't known each other long enough to make that big decision, especially given it was only 3 months between a big break up and a new relationship starting.

AIBU to think knowing someone for 2 years is too quick to commit to marriage?

Or should I keep my nose out of it?

YABU - it's none of your business
YANBU - it seems to be moving quite fast

Grateful for any opinions. I don't want this to come between us but I only want what's best for her.

OP posts:
nats2010 · 02/04/2024 23:02

Createausername1970 · 02/04/2024 21:20

I think you have to respect her decision - unless there is anything you know about the boyfriend that rings alarm bells.

if you genuinely feel it's going to go pear shaped, then the best thing you can do is be around to support your sister when it does, but she isn't going to confide in you if you have upset her at this point.

I agree with this OP. I get that you are probably coming from a place of concern given what she has previously gone through and likely having to be there to help support her through it.
However as others are saying, she is an adult and capable of making her own decisions.
All you can do is be there for her through the good and the bad. The joys of being a sister......you just want what's best for her however she has to live her own life. If things don't turn out the way she would like, well at least she should be able to turn to you for support at that time. It can be difficult to hold your tongue and concerns when you are afraid of things going pear shaped for her.
I hope you are able to take a step away from your heart feelings OP and be able to support her with her choices.
Try to be happy for her if this is something she wants. Hope you are OK.

DramaAlpaca · 02/04/2024 23:01

When you know, you know. DH and I were engaged after just under a year, married after two. It'll be 34 years this summer.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/04/2024 22:53

My parents got engaged at six months. I think it's fifty five years they've been married now. A friend of mine also got engaged at six months and I certainly didn't question that. I'd seen her in several previous relationships and then when I met the one she married it was obvious she'd got it right this time. When you know you know. The insulting her intelligence is a concern though.

TeenLifeMum · 02/04/2024 22:49

When you know you know. I was never going to marry but then, after 4 months dh and I spoke like that was an obvious part of our future. We married after 3 years together but only due to money delaying it.

Alwaystired23 · 02/04/2024 22:46

I got engaged after being with my now dh for one year. We were married within two. We have been married 13 years and have 2 dc. I'm with your daughter on this one. When you know, you know.

meganorks · 02/04/2024 22:35

I can see that the quick time between a major break up to new fiance might be concerning. But it sounds like your real issue is that you don't like him. If you have major concerns, you should maybe speak to your sister about that (eg belittling her and saying she's stupid). But I would speak to her once and then let her get on with it. You can't keep saying the same things or you'll drive her away.

peloton2024 · 02/04/2024 22:34

My parents were engaged after 6 weeks
Married 49 years

GladAllOver · 02/04/2024 22:33

An engagement can mean almost anything these days. It's when they marry is the big decision.
But that's their business, not yours.

elizzza · 02/04/2024 22:32

I got engaged to DH after a year, aged 25. Now been married 13 years. She’s an adult - tell her your actual concerns about him, don’t wrap it “it’s too fast“

Noyesnoyes · 02/04/2024 22:31

SleepyHollowed84 · 02/04/2024 21:24

Thank you for all of your responses so far.

I feel jaded about the whole thing because I really haven't warmed to him. Amongst other things he keeps making jokes about her lack of intelligence, and has made comments before about the value of our house/car/etc (he comes from a very different class background to my family). I think he's immature, quite frankly, and this is his first 'proper' relationship.

So I think this is clouding my view but I appreciate she is old enough to make her own judgement.

I married my first "proper" relationship, as did DH.

37 years married this month!

Noyesnoyes · 02/04/2024 22:29

I'm old and being "exclusive" was immediate!No way would I have wanted either of us to be seeing anyone else simultaneously.

2 year engagement, that's fine!

Hankunamatata · 02/04/2024 22:28

Erm I married my husband after 6 month of dating at age 24 (after I'd been dating ex since I was 17). Fist baby 28. Still together pushing 50.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 02/04/2024 22:26

Sounds very normal. Every engagement/relationship is a risk. People get engaged after many years together which can also go wrong

Starseeking · 02/04/2024 22:25

YABU.

At two years into the relationship with my EX we'd moved in together, got engaged and DC1 was on the way 😳😳😳

FilthyforFirth · 02/04/2024 22:24

What?! I got engaged after 2 years, just celebrated 11 years together and 8 married. Better tell DH it's not working...!

She is 28 and 2 years is a perfectly acceptable, normal amount of time.

Not liking him is a completely separate issue. I'd think you were batshit if you were my DS.

pastelsanddarkles · 02/04/2024 22:23

SleepyHollowed84 · 02/04/2024 21:24

Thank you for all of your responses so far.

I feel jaded about the whole thing because I really haven't warmed to him. Amongst other things he keeps making jokes about her lack of intelligence, and has made comments before about the value of our house/car/etc (he comes from a very different class background to my family). I think he's immature, quite frankly, and this is his first 'proper' relationship.

So I think this is clouding my view but I appreciate she is old enough to make her own judgement.

YABVU for nothing being honest about the reason. If he's like this at the start why do you think it'll be better , say 10 years in?
I married DH after 2 years of dating at a similar age (a few years ago).
But he was - and continues to be a decent chap!

Men like your sister's boyfriend wouldn't even make a second date.

Mumof2NDers · 02/04/2024 22:20

I married DH after a 10 week relationship. We’ve been married nearly 26 years. When you know, you know!

WickWood · 02/04/2024 22:19

I'm 29, I'm pregnant with someone I've been with 2 years and have actually been engagement ring shopping tonight. None of my family or friends have expressed any concerns with our timeline. They do all like my OH though.

RandomUsernameHere · 02/04/2024 22:18

It's only April so next year is not that soon. Then by the time they've actually got engaged and organised the wedding they will probably have been together a fair while.

LlynTegid · 02/04/2024 22:17

It's not the timing it seems to me to be the immature man. Even if they had been together several years and there had been a long period before being single, still seems unsuitable.

Americano75 · 02/04/2024 22:11

isitbananatimealready · 02/04/2024 21:24

DH and I got engaged after just 3 months together. We've managed a quarter of a century of marriage so far.

4 months for us, married 12 years.

Duh · 02/04/2024 21:52

SleepyHollowed84 · 02/04/2024 21:24

Thank you for all of your responses so far.

I feel jaded about the whole thing because I really haven't warmed to him. Amongst other things he keeps making jokes about her lack of intelligence, and has made comments before about the value of our house/car/etc (he comes from a very different class background to my family). I think he's immature, quite frankly, and this is his first 'proper' relationship.

So I think this is clouding my view but I appreciate she is old enough to make her own judgement.

Then your AIBU should be “I don’t like my vulnerable sister’s boyfriend”. It’s nothing to do with the period of time they have been together, you just don’t like him. Perhaps with good reason, perhaps not. However, don’t pretend to your sister that you are against it because it’s “too soon” when that isn’t the truth.

Simonjt · 02/04/2024 21:47

We got married on the anniversary of our second date. You aren’t in a throuple with them, what you think isn’t important as you’re not the one getting married.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 02/04/2024 21:46

I think it’s slow / normal tbh. Are you married OP?

LilianaVikavanovich · 02/04/2024 21:45

We were engaged about 6 weeks after meeting , married 6 months after that

Weve now been married for 30 years , from my experience she’s right , when you know , you know