Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband lost his temper and bruised our child's arm

60 replies

Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:09

It's not the first time. It's the 4-5th times over 4 years. Our child can go very far when he is hungry or misunderstood. He kicked his dad in the bus, spat, said bad words. I advised his dad to try to talk about something my son likes, or change seat, or stand next to him, etc...Instead husband sat like a stone, being kicked and he ended up grabbing him very hard to the point that my son has bruises on his little arms. I can understand grabbing, I can not understand squeezing this hard. I was not there, I just saw the results when they came home.
He loves his son but, this happens. (Me, I am abused mentally, but that's another topic).
Thoughts?

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 02/04/2024 23:19

He probably doesn't think his dad was right to do that to him but it is convenient to say so so he can justify abusing his son.

BobbysSox · 02/04/2024 22:51

Some good advice already but just to add, make sure yours & your sons passport is somewhere safe where he can't find them.

Everywheretwice · 02/04/2024 22:09

My DH went through a biting stage when he was 6, was a terrible biter of friends, teachers, his mum...until after a nasty bite, she bit him back! He never did it again.

Not okay by today's rules but it worked...

However if there's a history of your DH hurting his son that's concerning!

nocoolnamesleft · 02/04/2024 22:09

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/04/2024 21:48

The chid was aggressive, your H ignored it for a while then grabbed him causing a bruise. Not sure that is so bad if a child kicked and spat and swore at me I might grab them and accidentally cause a bruise. It doesn't sound like child abuse to me.

When did it get to the point that adults can be abused by children with no recourse.

Edited

Bollocks. If this happened in the UK, I can absolutely tell you which one the police would be interested in, and it wouldn't the 6 year old having a meltdown. It takes a lot of force to bruise a child just by holding them.

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/04/2024 21:48

The chid was aggressive, your H ignored it for a while then grabbed him causing a bruise. Not sure that is so bad if a child kicked and spat and swore at me I might grab them and accidentally cause a bruise. It doesn't sound like child abuse to me.

When did it get to the point that adults can be abused by children with no recourse.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/04/2024 21:46

Your poor son, im sorry OP got what you are going through but you have a duty of care to your son. No 6yr old behaves like this, and no 6 yr old deserves treatment like this. Get away and stop making excuses about when you can get home etc.

Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:42

existentialpain · 02/04/2024 21:40

It is a common argument that the dc love the abusive parent so the other parent doesn't want to break up the family and hurt them...

Children are hard wired to love their parents for their survival. It doesn't mean they are not damaged by witnessing abuse in the household because they very much are. They would be far happier and healthier being raised by a independent single parent than by two parents in an abusive dynamic.

Failure to see this or take it in is sadly the reason so much abuse gets passed down to new generations.

I can only agree. I believe there has been abuse from his parents too. Mental abuse. Husband also mentioned his dad squeezing his leg so hard he bled (because he was kicking in his car seat when his dad was driving). My husband thinks his dad was right to do that.....

OP posts:
Saymyname28 · 02/04/2024 21:42

Call the police. Show them the bruises.

Your son has anger issues becuase he's being raised by a man with anger issues.

Mummame2222 · 02/04/2024 21:42

Well it’s no great mystery where your son gets his temper from is it? When are you leaving?

chillywaters · 02/04/2024 21:41

I voted YABU only because it sounds like you are tolerating this terrible abuse of your son, and of yourself as well. Agree with other posters that your son is acting this way as a result of the abuse he is receiving and from being in a terrible home environment. It is tough but please try to gather the strength to leave.

Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:40

My idea was to move to my homeland and try to fix things there.

OP posts:
existentialpain · 02/04/2024 21:40

It is a common argument that the dc love the abusive parent so the other parent doesn't want to break up the family and hurt them...

Children are hard wired to love their parents for their survival. It doesn't mean they are not damaged by witnessing abuse in the household because they very much are. They would be far happier and healthier being raised by a independent single parent than by two parents in an abusive dynamic.

Failure to see this or take it in is sadly the reason so much abuse gets passed down to new generations.

Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:38

I don't understand how people change so much. Initially husband wasn't like that. Was it just underlying? He was very sweet with our son. He is still very sweet most of the time.

With me he is truly awful most of the time except just before and after sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:36

Froggy99 · 02/04/2024 21:20

Do you have the means to do this? There is help available here if you need it such as Women’s Aid.

Show quote history

I have called them twice for my personal mental health. I never mentioned this though. I am too scared that I would start a serious war. As said I said, I am abroad, I am a freelancer with a small irregular income, I am alone here, I don't own our flat (I did invest some savings though)....I feel like I am in a weak position.

I did record a lot, took a lot of pictures

OP posts:
Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:33

AgentJohnson · 02/04/2024 21:20

Me, I am abused mentally, but that's another topic

It isn’t a separate topic, it’s a pattern of behaviour.

Agreed....

OP posts:
Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:31

Username19832756 · 02/04/2024 21:24

Your son will be acting violently as he is being raised by a physically abusive man. He will be lashing out as he will be so bewildered, hurt and angry that he is being so drastically failed and failed by the people who are meant to protect him and love him above all others. Poor, poor boy. For his sake I hope you do something to remove him from this situation.

This is so sad and so well said. My husband claims that all the problems come from me. I believe that he has been very sloppy with boundaries. And obviously constantly telling me how bad I am.

I just want to move to my homeland and treat the problem there

OP posts:
Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:28

Before our son was born I wasn't abused mentally. He was a little dry with comments sometimes but nothing really hurtful. So sometimes I want to keep faith that I don't need to split the family. Obviously my son loves his dad anyways.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:27

HarrietSchulenberg · 02/04/2024 21:22

I think you all need some help. Your son's behaviour is not being managed, and why is he behaving like this. Your husband's response was not appropriate as it has caused your child to be injured.
I think you need to ask for some help. Try through your GP or health visitor, or look up "early help" for your local authority and contact them. If you leave this, someone else is going to step in and refer you for that help, at which point you'll need to think very hard about why you didn't take steps to keep your child safe.

His teachers could ask something. I warned my husband. He said he would be fine with saying what happened. (!)
I am scared because I don't want something terrible to happen like my child to be taken from both of us by authorities. I am a freelancer and I don't earn regular income. (well another reason to belittle me...)

OP posts:
Username19832756 · 02/04/2024 21:24

Your son will be acting violently as he is being raised by a physically abusive man. He will be lashing out as he will be so bewildered, hurt and angry that he is being so drastically failed and failed by the people who are meant to protect him and love him above all others. Poor, poor boy. For his sake I hope you do something to remove him from this situation.

Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:24

Itsmychristmasdress · 02/04/2024 21:21

Have you family at home you could reach out to?

My family knows. But they are in my homeland and they can only support me with the move and encourage me. They can't do much more than that.

OP posts:
Ilovethewild · 02/04/2024 21:22

Op

if a medical professional saw the marks on yr child and asked, what would you say? His Dad did it? And you are accepting this?

have you ever marked your child?
it’s possible to parent a child without marking them!

get out, this is unsafe for you both and if you don’t start putting your child first, then SS will step in and remove the child to ensure they are safe!
do you have a plan to get out? Friends/ family to help?

HarrietSchulenberg · 02/04/2024 21:22

I think you all need some help. Your son's behaviour is not being managed, and why is he behaving like this. Your husband's response was not appropriate as it has caused your child to be injured.
I think you need to ask for some help. Try through your GP or health visitor, or look up "early help" for your local authority and contact them. If you leave this, someone else is going to step in and refer you for that help, at which point you'll need to think very hard about why you didn't take steps to keep your child safe.

Itsmychristmasdress · 02/04/2024 21:21

Have you family at home you could reach out to?

Original poster
Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:20

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 02/04/2024 21:16

How old is your son, why was he kicking and spitting at his dad?
Do you not parent him when he does this and just try and placate him?

Our son just turned 6. He has tantrums because he grew up around his parents'toxic relationship I believe.

OP posts:
Froggy99 · 02/04/2024 21:20

Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:19

We live in his country. We are both from European countries but I don't feel like proceeding here, I'm too scared to get trapped. I want us to move to my country first.

Show quote history

Do you have the means to do this? There is help available here if you need it such as Women’s Aid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread