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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to go off sick before I am?

62 replies

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 02/04/2024 16:43

I think I'm close to burnout or a bit of a breakdown or something. My anxiety is getting worse and worse, I'm finding myself starting to detach from things, which is usually a sign it's getting really bad. I'm permanently exhausted and easily overwhelmed. My performance at work is suffering.

This has happened before, and I just kept going and going until eventually one morning in work I just couldn't function. I went to see my manager, burst in to tears, and ended up going off sick for 2 months.

I've had a block of therapy with a psychologist, which was really helpful. I've reflected and considered what triggers my anxiety, what I need to stay healthy etc. But it's very hard with young kids and a job (albeit part time) to actually do those things. My anxiety has been up and down a lot since I went off (1.5yrs ago now), and I've tried to keep working on it and putting strategies in place and things. But it's not working now, and I feel like I'm heading for the point of going off again.

I feel like a need a complete break to reset a bit, reflect a bit more on why I keep getting to this point, do some of the things I know will help (organise life, exercise, healthy eating and good routines), and mainly just rest. Rest my mind and body.

How do you get that break? I can't afford to use annual leave coz I need it all for the kids holidays. But I'm not sick, so is sick leave completely unethical?

I know we could all do with a break like this. But I really feel like I'm going to not be able to keep going without ending up sick anyway, and in worse shape mentally.

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Ihaveneedofwaternear · 04/04/2024 07:58

@Starfish78 thanks for your post. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I hope you've got some support in place now.

What you've been through sounds exactly like what I went through a couple of years ago, and what I'm trying to avoid now. This thread has helped me realise that I do need to take some time off or it will just happen again. I don't feel right taking sick leave, so I think I'll take some annual leave at short notice and explain why. Then I can use parental leave for the school hols, as suggested by a PP.

I also need to try and make my day to day less hectic, and recognise that tiredness and overwhelm triggers these anxiety attacks. So when I feel it coming on I need to rest. Long term, I need better strategies to build up resilience against day to day life wearing me out. Or maybe I need medication.

Thanks for everyone's stories and advice, this has been a really useful thread for me

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Starfish78 · 03/04/2024 21:11

Please don’t be like me. I’ve been getting really stressed and anxious over the last 12 months, due to many factors inside and outside of work-management were aware I had had multiple conversations where I said I was struggling-but because I thought it might affect my career (i’m doing a degree through my work) I decided to not take time off. I just thought if I carried on I would cope. It had been gradually getting worse until 2 months ago I completely fell apart. I ended up having a massive panic attack at work, absolutely broke down, my anxiety was through the roof, I completely hit rock bottom. I’m now signed off, i wish I hadn’t waited until I couldn’t function anymore. I should’ve just taken a few weeks off to recharge a long time ago and wouldn’t be in the mess i’m now in. Honestly if you can just take a week or two off to get on top of everything it will do you the world of good, don’t wait until the decision is taken out of your hands

Whatifthehokeycokey · 03/04/2024 11:38

"A stitch in time saves nine." Which is to say, you could take two weeks off now and avoid hitting rock bottom and taking two months.

Ohiwish12 · 03/04/2024 10:10

What's the plan for the summer childcare? Is your partner/child dad taking any time off as well? Or are you being expected to work and have kids completely?

babaisyou · 03/04/2024 10:10

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 03/04/2024 10:06

I appreciate this, but I guess I'm not really. I can get through the day. As @hopsalong points out, it's not the NHS's responsibility to support my long-term anxiety problems that I can't get ahold of.

Being able to 'get through the day' does not mean you are not sick.

And if you are sick (which you are) then that is what the NHS are there for.

You should go to your GP and get signed off.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 03/04/2024 10:06

babaisyou · 03/04/2024 09:55

"But I'm not sick"

You are.

I appreciate this, but I guess I'm not really. I can get through the day. As @hopsalong points out, it's not the NHS's responsibility to support my long-term anxiety problems that I can't get ahold of.

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brocollilover · 03/04/2024 09:56

Potterpot · 02/04/2024 21:58

Why did you have to advance search her? This is why I name change so much.

what are you banging on about? i didn’t AS @Potterpot

babaisyou · 03/04/2024 09:55

"But I'm not sick"

You are.

brocollilover · 03/04/2024 09:55

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 03/04/2024 09:52

Yeah, sorry @brocollilover , I get you. I think I'm being way too oversensitive.

We will struggle financially, to be honest. I'm thinking I should probably just try to power through til September, and the when I have a day with 6.5hrs to myself every week, that will hopefully help a lot

the financial impact may cause you more stress than by waiting until september

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/04/2024 09:54

You sound like me OP. I keeping thinking about going off sick too, but I worry about it harming my future career as I’m also quite ambitious.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 03/04/2024 09:52

Yeah, sorry @brocollilover , I get you. I think I'm being way too oversensitive.

We will struggle financially, to be honest. I'm thinking I should probably just try to power through til September, and the when I have a day with 6.5hrs to myself every week, that will hopefully help a lot

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brocollilover · 03/04/2024 09:50

how will you do for finances if unpaid leave?

brocollilover · 03/04/2024 09:48

but my point of asking was when he goes to school… you will have a day to yourself and that may help but i suspect you’ll see shadows in what i’m saying

brocollilover · 03/04/2024 09:47

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 03/04/2024 09:46

Yes, for his nursery year.

@brocollilover I think you might be trying to point out all the ways my life is easy, and I understand. I also recognise that I shouldn't feel this way, I have nothing to be this anxious about. I know lots of people have way more on their plate than I do. I'm very frustrated with myself for still struggling so much with this level of anxiety.

huh?

i think you’re in the wrong job. I don’t think your life is easy or hard. i don’t know you

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 03/04/2024 09:46

brocollilover · 03/04/2024 09:27

your toddler will be going to school in september?

Yes, for his nursery year.

@brocollilover I think you might be trying to point out all the ways my life is easy, and I understand. I also recognise that I shouldn't feel this way, I have nothing to be this anxious about. I know lots of people have way more on their plate than I do. I'm very frustrated with myself for still struggling so much with this level of anxiety.

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Ihaveneedofwaternear · 03/04/2024 09:43

hopsalong · 03/04/2024 09:25

This is what unpaid leave is for and it wouldn't be unreasonable at all to ask for it.

It would be v v unreasonable to expect the NHS to be paying your full salary while you have time off to work through longstanding problems (childhood trauma) that preceded the job.

Yeah, I get that it's not their fault I can't cope with my life and the choices I made. I'm not sure if they can/will grant an unspecified period of unpaid leave while I get better, but I guess it's a good starting point to ask them

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brocollilover · 03/04/2024 09:27

your toddler will be going to school in september?

hopsalong · 03/04/2024 09:25

This is what unpaid leave is for and it wouldn't be unreasonable at all to ask for it.

It would be v v unreasonable to expect the NHS to be paying your full salary while you have time off to work through longstanding problems (childhood trauma) that preceded the job.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 03/04/2024 07:46

@legalseagull I think that's probably what I need to accept. I've had anxiety in the past, but there were difficult things going on in life and it felt understandable. Now, everything is fine. The anxiety is what's causing the problem, and I just can't work out how to sort that out.

Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone. @williteverstopraining2024 what you describe is often how I feel as well. I hope you manage to find what makes you feel better soon.

@LSTMS30555 I'm sorry your management weren't supportive that must make things so much harder!

@countdowntonap I've not really had any other significant time off since last time. I think I had a day or maybe 2 when we all got a stomach bug. And I left early one afternoon because I had a migraine, but I might have worked those hours back, I can't remember. Would that affect your decision of how to manage this now? I don't want to be seen as a shirker, and I take @Hurukan's point about the impact on patient care as well.

Having palpitations this morning, think I'm thinking about all this too much!

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legalseagull · 03/04/2024 07:20

OP I don't think there's always a 'cause' for anxiety or depression. Sometimes it's just chemical, and an illness like any other. Don't be so hard on yourself - calling yourself pathetic. I've had times when my life has been objectively perfect, but my brain chemicals were out of whack and I was on antidepressants (mainly for anxiety as they treat both). Citalopram absolutely transformed my life at this time. I felt exactly like me, just waking up on a good day every day.

LSTMS30555 · 03/04/2024 01:45

Honestly take the time now before it's too late. Im speaking from experience here going into my 4th month of sickness absence due to anxiety & panic disorder.

I knew it was coming and Im certain management knew it was coming but even when occupational health made suggestions that could have been carried out and would have made no impact on business as usual my line manager did everything in her power to make sure those suggestions & adjustments didn't happen and now here we are!

I'm still not recovered enough to go back as yet and honestly unsure when I will be.

Please look after your mental health it's so important and equally as important as your physical health.

cherish123 · 02/04/2024 23:34

YANBU
You need to allow yourself a rest so that you aren't ill. Adult life is very stressful nowadays. Look after yourself and don't feel guilty.

countdowntonap · 02/04/2024 23:16

How much other time have you had off since the 1.5 years you last went off?

williteverstopraining2024 · 02/04/2024 23:14

Wow I am glad I have come across this thread!!

I am currently off work OP for the exact same reasons felt like I was about to snap so been off for 4 weeks to regroup I haven't been able to face going back (I have had stuff going on with my youngest) but I have never been off with this before but my god have I needed it!

I have been feeling guilty but tbh it was about to start impacting my job.

@Ihaveneedofwaternear I do feel that it's the mental load that sometimes us women take on what with work, children, general life admin sometimes it just gets too much that's how I've felt! I have felt that my head is constantly going and going about the next task!

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 02/04/2024 22:53

Thank you so much for all these thoughtful and considered comments, everyone. I don't know what I'm going to do, I can't think of the solution right now, but I'm going to have more of think about it all

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