Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being called self centred because I'm not going to the wedding

209 replies

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 14:44

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 02/04/2024 17:14

'Changed your position'? It's a wedding, not a debate about the merits of Marmite.

I can only think of one reason to go, which I am sure you would not go and do. To object to the wedding on the grounds of how little they think of children.

Timeturnerplease · 02/04/2024 17:13

ExpressCheckout · 02/04/2024 16:52

@ButterCrackersEnjoy the time as a family and do something nice rather than go to this stressful wedding.

^This. I wonder what percentage of people genuinely enjoy a wedding these days. I'd put it in the low 50s, if that. The expectations and entitlement of the build up e.g. save the date cards🙄, the expense and politics of attending, and the inevitable postmortem when everything wasn't 'perfect' on the day.

Edited
Show quote history

I must admit that I hate weddings. I hate any kind of forced social gathering, but weddings are the absolute worst. I always just thought I was a grumpy not-old-yet woman, but maybe there are others out there like me.

Timeturnerplease · 02/04/2024 17:10

People get insane over weddings. Just leave it as is, then if Bride and GroomZilla have their own kids they’ll realise that they’ve gone a bit batshit.

Allfur · 02/04/2024 17:06

NotMyDayJob · 02/04/2024 16:54

Are you mad? You can't just take a baby to a wedding that isn't invited. Particularly an eight month old who might be mobile and needs feeding and is probably enjoying a bit of vocal expression. Newborns are relatively easy in comparison.

It would not be a normal thing to just take a child to a wedding, a bride would notice. Why are you insisting it is?

Show quote history

Because it happened at my wedding and I was too busy enjoying the day to care

pootlin · 02/04/2024 17:00

NotMyDayJob · 02/04/2024 16:54

Are you mad? You can't just take a baby to a wedding that isn't invited. Particularly an eight month old who might be mobile and needs feeding and is probably enjoying a bit of vocal expression. Newborns are relatively easy in comparison.

It would not be a normal thing to just take a child to a wedding, a bride would notice. Why are you insisting it is?

Show quote history

She’s not insisting anything, she’s sharing her opinion on AIBU as requested. No need to insult her, she has been respectful but you not so much.

CreativeNameChange · 02/04/2024 17:00

I had something similar. A couple of years ago, a friend who lives a long haul flight away didn't understand why I wasn't up for leaving my 6 month old for a week so that I could fly 10 hours away and attend their wedding. I had a lot of guilt tripping and "can't you just leave the baby with your parents for week?" type messages.

I just stood firm and said that they were making me uncomfortable, as my parenting choices were personal and not up for debate.

We're still friends, and I think now that this friend has their own baby, they must realise how ridiculous their expectations were.

In your case, it's bizarre that your friends are acting like this when they have DC (I presume their kids are a lot older so they have forgotten what it's like to be dealing with a baby?)

travelallthetime · 02/04/2024 16:59

Hi, sorry, due to your unreasonable and entitled behaviour surrounding this neither of us will be takIng the time to come to your wedding. Have a great day

bellezarara · 02/04/2024 16:58

meganorks · 02/04/2024 16:15

Their response would put me off altogether, so I wouldn't be going regardless.

But did you try and figure out a way to go? Ie maybe taking baby and someone who can babysit with you? So you aren't 2 hours away from baby at all. Obviously no chance now, but it would have been nice if you could have tried.

Why should OP do all that?! It’s unreasonable to expect her to bear the expense of a hotel room to hide in so DH can go to the wedding.

Or to expect her to pay for two hotel rooms so the in laws can hide in one whilst OP and her DH go to the wedding.

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 16:57

I wonder what percentage of people genuinely enjoy a wedding these days. I'd put it in the low 50s, if that

On mumsnet the percentage will be lower than that. In my version of real life it is much higher, but the weddings I have been to have been informal and relaxed, with no-one getting theri knickers in a twist about wanting everything to be perfect.

SecondHandFurniture · 02/04/2024 16:57

ExpressCheckout · 02/04/2024 16:52

@ButterCrackersEnjoy the time as a family and do something nice rather than go to this stressful wedding.

^This. I wonder what percentage of people genuinely enjoy a wedding these days. I'd put it in the low 50s, if that. The expectations and entitlement of the build up e.g. save the date cards🙄, the expense and politics of attending, and the inevitable postmortem when everything wasn't 'perfect' on the day.

Edited
Show quote history

I agree. I think I don't enjoy them because they always seem to be events where I am either a fringe guest (e.g. DH's cousin, parents' goddaughter) or I'm the Maid of Honour and basically working all day for free!

HaPPy8 · 02/04/2024 16:55

I think it depends a little bit how close a friend they are and your relationship in general. I know I’ll get my head bitten off now though!

NotMyDayJob · 02/04/2024 16:54

Allfur · 02/04/2024 16:52

Surely the bride will be busy enjoying her day

Show quote history

Are you mad? You can't just take a baby to a wedding that isn't invited. Particularly an eight month old who might be mobile and needs feeding and is probably enjoying a bit of vocal expression. Newborns are relatively easy in comparison.

It would not be a normal thing to just take a child to a wedding, a bride would notice. Why are you insisting it is?

SecondHandFurniture · 02/04/2024 16:54

YANBU. I was quite happy to let grandparents babysit an 8 month old for a meal out or cinema trip but I wouldn't have ever asked a non-family member for a 4 hour round trip plus the wedding itself.

I'd also never have leaned on one person (all that would fit in the car with us and baby) to come with us and hover near the venue for hours on end!

BirthdayRainbow · 02/04/2024 16:53

Will you give a gift whether one or neither of you go? That could be their real concern..

ExpressCheckout · 02/04/2024 16:52

ButterCrackers · 02/04/2024 16:39

It’s an invitation not a contractual obligation. Tell them that you both now can’t accept the invite. That you both wish them well. Enjoy the time as a family and do something nice rather than go to this stressful wedding.

@ButterCrackersEnjoy the time as a family and do something nice rather than go to this stressful wedding.

^This. I wonder what percentage of people genuinely enjoy a wedding these days. I'd put it in the low 50s, if that. The expectations and entitlement of the build up e.g. save the date cards🙄, the expense and politics of attending, and the inevitable postmortem when everything wasn't 'perfect' on the day.

Allfur · 02/04/2024 16:52

ErrolTheDragon · 02/04/2024 16:51

Do you seriously think that won't cause an even bigger strop from the bride
.

Show quote history

Surely the bride will be busy enjoying her day

ErrolTheDragon · 02/04/2024 16:51

Allfur · 02/04/2024 16:30

Why not get childcare and go, you will probably have a lovely time, or just take the baby, they're hardly going to chuck you out

Do you seriously think that won't cause an even bigger strop from the bride
.

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 16:50

I should add that baby HAS been baby sat, for an hour or two where we aren't far away. All day at a wedding with 4 hours travel involved is quite different. So it's not that I won't leave them at all. Just can't for this occasion. It is a shame but
from my perspective it is what it is.

OP posts:
Sartre · 02/04/2024 16:50

Of course YANBU at all, they’re really odd and I hope neither of you are going now.

Mountainpika · 02/04/2024 16:50

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 15:46

Oh I forgot to say in my OP. They have 3 kids!

I don't think either of us should go but DH is on the fence, so he can go if he really wants to. I'm not. I get plenty of me time so this wouldn't be him getting a day off and me not, IYSWIM.

Presumably the three kids won't be there either.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/04/2024 16:49

To be honest the fact they’re not even having their own kids there would put me off them as people. They don’t sound like my kind of friends.

Sorry, I thought for some reason they weren’t taking their kids. If they are I don’t see how it can be a child free wedding.

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 16:49

If they are as rude as this to everyone who can't go they will find their circle of friends diminishing.

RandomButtons · 02/04/2024 16:48

Wow.

TruthorDie · 02/04/2024 16:47

Chatonette · 02/04/2024 15:25

People were unable to attend my wedding for various reasons. None of these people were belittled with phrases like, ‘selfish’, ‘entitled’, or ‘bad friends’.

Err this. It was just one of those thing when people couldn’t come to my wedding. I rightly understand people are busy and have their own lives. It’s not all about me or my wedding. Still friends with this these people and no bad mouthing

Allfur · 02/04/2024 16:46

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 16:34

The OP has already explained why she can't get childcare.
And taking a baby when it isn't wanted is the height of rudeness.

Show quote history

'The height of rudeness'? No - a bit cheeky - yes